Whether you're in a budding romance or a long-term partnership, understanding where you stand sexually with your partner is crucial for a healthy relationship. Being desired sexually keeps the spark in a relationship alive, while also reassuring you that you’re with the right person. Intimacy, especially sexual intimacy has long been raved about because of its direct relevance to the quality of the connection between two partners, and that’s far from an exaggeration.
Sometimes, because of day-to-day stresses, changes in preferences, health issues, and unresolved conflicts, one partner may lose sexual attraction towards another. If you feel something’s between you and your partner getting intimate, but can’t point to anything in particular, there may be a chance your partner currently doesn’t desire you sexually.
So, how do you know for sure? Here are 18 subtle signs he doesn’t want you sexually. 18 signs He Doesn’t Want You Sexually If you resonate with some or many following signs, it’s time to reevaluate your intimate life with your partner. It’s nothing personal, but it may show you areas where you may need to rework.
18 Signs He Doesn’t Want You Sexually
1. He Has Limited Physical Contact
Physical touch is a fundamental aspect of intimacy. If your partner is avoiding physical contact, such as pulling away when you try to hug them or avoiding holding hands, it could indicate a lack of desire for intimacy. For example, if you lean in for a kiss and your partner turns their head away frequently and on many occasions irrespective of the mood they’re in, it could be a sign that they're not interested in being intimate with you.
2. He Doesn’t Want to Make Eye Contact
Eye contact is a powerful form of non-verbal communication, especially during intimate moments. If your partner avoids making eye contact during intimate conversations or when you're engaging in foreplay, or initiating an intimate session, it could indicate a lack of emotional connection or sexual interest in you.
3. Decreased Frequency of Intimacy
Every relationship has its own natural rhythm when it comes to intimacy. However, if you notice a significant decrease in the frequency of sexual intimacy, it could be a sign that your partner is losing interest. For example, if you used to be intimate multiple times a week and now it's only happening once a month, it could be a red flag. If you both agree on doing it on a particular day, say the weekend, but you find your partner reneging on his word time after time, there’s a sign husband doesn't want you sexually.
4. He Puts in Minimal Effort in His Appearance
When someone is sexually attracted to you, they often make an effort to look their best. If your partner has stopped caring about their appearance, such as not showering regularly, not grooming, or not dressing up for special occasions you hold important to yourself and your relationship, it could be one of the signs your man is not sexually attracted to you, or puts in effort to earn your admiration.
5. Avoidance of Quality Time With Each Other
Quality time together is essential for maintaining a strong connection with each other. If your partner is constantly avoiding spending alone time with you, such as always inviting friends along on your dates or preferring to spend time alone rather than with you, it could indicate a lack of desire for intimacy. If he tries to justify bringing someone along even after you’ve reminded him about your private date, he knows you’ll want more after the date and that’s why he wants to avoid the uncomfortable moment at all costs.
6. He’s Beginning to Maintain an Emotional Distance
Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are closely linked. Suppose your partner seems emotionally distant, such as not sharing their thoughts and feelings with you or not being interested in your life, it could be affecting your sexual relationship as well. Having a trustworthy, loving, and safe partner who feels like home and an adventure at the same time is what kindles intimacy of all kinds, including sexual intimacy. If he doesn’t open up to you and is cold when you do, you’re looking at a bigger problem.
7. It’s Been Long Since He Flirted With You
Flirting is a fun and playful way to show sexual interest. If your partner has stopped flirting with you, such as not complimenting you when you look hot or making suggestive comments, it could be a sign that he doesn’t desire you as he did before. If the playful banter between you two is long gone, the spark is turning cold and you need to do something about it.
8. He Refuses to Discuss Sexual Topics
Communication is key in any relationship, especially when it comes to sex. If your partner refuses to discuss your sexual needs and desires or his own, new things he wants to explore in bed or reminisce about some of your amazing intimate moments, it could mean underlying issues that need to be addressed. There’s likely some unresolved anger, or apathy, towards you.
9. His Routine Has Changed Considerably
Sudden changes in your partner's routine, such as spending more time at work or with friends, could be a sign that they're avoiding intimacy. For example, if your partner suddenly starts working late every night or makes plans with friends every weekend, it could be a way of avoiding spending time alone with you and waiting for you to get tired, so you won’t ask for sex, and later be disappointed when he turns you down.
10. He’s Developed a Sudden, New Hobby
If your partner is constantly prioritizing other activities over spending time with you, even after both of you agreed to spend quality time with each other, such as always choosing to hang out with friends or pursuing hobbies that don't include you, it could indicate a lack of interest in being intimate with you.
11. He Criticizes You a Lot More Now
Criticism and negativity can be detrimental to a sexual relationship, as it takes away the safety and bonding element that’s vital to a healthy romance. If your partner is constantly criticizing you, such as criticizing your appearance or performance in bed, it could be one of the painful signs he doesn’t want you sexually as much as he did at the beginning of the relationship and is not interested in being intimate with you.
12. No More Affectionate Gestures
Loving gestures, such as cuddling or holding hands, caressing your hair when you lay in bed next to them, or giving you a massage are all important for maintaining a strong emotional and sexual connection, as they fuel the admiration you have for one another. If your partner is avoiding these gestures, or flinches when you initiate these living gestures, such as pulling away when you try to hug them or not reaching out to hold your hand, it could be a red flag.
13. He’s Unwilling to Compromise
Compromise is essential in any relationship, especially when it comes to sexual preferences. If your partner is unwilling to compromise, such as always insisting on his own way in the bedroom or not being open to trying new things, it could indicate a lack of interest in meeting your needs. This could also happen because the things you want to try in bed may cause him pain, or strain, or remind him of a painful past moment. So, not every disagreement in bed is a red flag, but if he was open to new things before, and is intentionally unwilling to compromise, that’s a problem.
14. He’s Constantly Comparing You to His Ex, or Other Girls
If he’s constantly comparing you to others, whether in terms of appearance or performance, can be a sign that he’s just not into you, and has started looking outside. For example, if your partner constantly talks about how attractive other people are or compares your performance in bed to that of others, it could be one of the signs he's not attracted to you. This is a big sign, and when this happens frequently, you need to have the talk and figure out what’s ailing your relationship. If left uncared for, this trait can lead to infidelity or divorce.
15. He’s Turning Down Your Sexual Advances Often
If your partner consistently avoids physical intimacy, such as turning you down when you initiate sex or making excuses to avoid being intimate with you, it could be a sign that they're not interested in a sexual relationship. This will hurt you every time it does. So, save yourself some pain and see if you can get him to open up to you about what he’s facing.
16. You Don’t Communicate At All
If your partner has become less communicative, such as not sharing their thoughts and feelings with you or not being interested in discussing your relationship, it could indicate underlying issues that need to be addressed. Giving and receiving love by sharing words of affirmation, saying ‘I love you’ at least a few times a day, showing each other’s vulnerability, telling each other how your day went, asking questions about personal initiatives you have undertaken individually and so on, is how you stay relevant to each other, and create a safe space for each other, where sexual intimacy stems from. If you have stopped taking an interest and communicating, there’s a bigger problem.
17. He’s Constantly Irritated By You
Irritability and moodiness can hurt both of you. Especially you, since you are on the outside looking in, and angry behavior can put you both further apart. In these instances, remind yourself that he’s angry or irritated near you, and not exactly at you. If your partner is constantly picking fights over small things or being easily annoyed with you, he’s not content with physical or emotional intimacy, it might crop up as increased irritability. Realize that he’s hurting too. It’d be difficult to know you're not sexually attracted to your partner, the one you wanted to spend your lifetime with.
18. He Doesn’t Plan His Future With You Like He Used To
Planning for the future together shows you’re committed and deeply invested in the relationship. If your partner doesn’t talk enthusiastically about the future like he used to, or isn’t making plans with you, it could be a sign that they're not interested in being intimate with you, and certainly not want to visualize a future with you at the moment.
These signs are not definitive proof of a lack of sexual interest, as there could be other factors at play. However, if you notice several of these signs in your relationship, it's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your concerns.
5 Steps to Take if He Doesn’t Want You Sexually
1. Communicate Openly
The first step in addressing any intimacy issue is to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. Express your feelings and concerns in a non-confrontational manner, and encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings as well. Avoid blaming or accusing language, and instead focus on finding a solution together.
2. Explore the Root Cause
Have an open conversation, and try to understand the underlying reasons behind your partner's lack of sexual interest. It could be related to stress, health issues, relationship dynamics, or other factors. By understanding the root cause, you can work together to address the issue more effectively.
3. Focus on Emotional Connection
While sexual intimacy is important, emotional connection is equally crucial in a relationship. Focus on building emotional intimacy with your partner through meaningful conversations, shared experiences, and acts of kindness and appreciation.
4. Do Non-Sexual Intimate Activities You Did When You Fell in Love
Intimacy is not just about sex. Explore other forms of intimacy with your partner, such as cuddling, holding hands, and spending quality time together. These gestures can help strengthen your bond and increase feelings of closeness. Go on an adventurous trip together to a place both of you love, and engage in quality activities together like trekking, taking a long walk, going fishing, singing your heart out in a karaoke bar, etc. Do the things you did when you fell in love with each other. It might be painful to initiate these activities given the level of resistance you’re going to face especially when he’s not that into you, but if it’ll get him to open up, it’s worth it.
5. Seek Professional Help
If the lack of sexual interest persists despite your efforts, consider seeking professional help. A therapist or counselor can help you explore the issue in a safe and supportive environment, and guide how to improve intimacy in your relationship. We’ll explore more about that in a minute.
How Do You Tell If a Guy Wants You to Leave Him Alone?
1. Lack of Engagement
One of the most obvious signs he's not into you is a lack of engagement in conversation or interaction. If he consistently responds with short answers or doesn't initiate conversation, it could be a sign that he's not interested in engaging with you.
2. Closed Body Language
Body language can be a powerful indicator of someone's feelings. If a guy crosses his arms, avoids eye contact, or turns his body away from you, it could indicate that he's not interested in interacting with you.
3. Polite but Distant Behavior
Some people may be polite but distant when they want to be left alone. If a guy is polite in his interactions with you but doesn't seem interested in continuing the conversation or spending time with you, it could be one of the signs he's not into you.
4. Unresponsiveness
If you reach out to a guy via text, phone call, or social media and he consistently fails to respond or takes a long time to respond, it could be a sign that he's trying to create distance.
5. Expresses Discomfort
Pay attention to any verbal or non-verbal cues that indicate discomfort. If a guy seems uneasy or tense in your presence, it's a clear sign that he's not comfortable and would prefer to be left alone.
6. Direct Communication
In some cases, a guy may directly tell you that he wants you to leave him alone. While this may be difficult to hear, it's important to respect his wishes and give him the space he needs.
How Now&Me Can Help
If you’ve tried all that you can to bring the relationship back to normal, but can’t find any success, you’re not alone and you can still bring the flame back to the relationship with professional help. Now&Me’s relationship counselors are seasoned professionals who have handled several couples over the years and can help you figure out what’s ailing the relationship and how to address underlying issues, whilst processing the hurt that comes when you have the realization that your partner doesn’t desire you, and the guilt your partner feels.
You can also join our community of people like you who share what’s on their minds, help each other, and lift each other. Start couples counseling today at just INR 30/- per session. Download the Now&Me app now!