I’ve been feeling alot of things lately. I don’t know where to start from, on some days i feel very confident but on somedays all of it just becomes very unbearable. Recently my college started offline classes and now after a year of online classes i made 2 friends, but one of them is very different in real. I’ve heard of her doing plannings and plottings, she and i had one common male friend, she bullied him of me saying”she friend zoned you and even though everyone knew that I’m in a very happy and healthy LDR, still she continued bullying him in the name of fun, and when i got to know about it I confronted her once and twice and told her to stop, but she just kept justifying her actions as it’s their bond and they don’t fee anything, the boy started having feelings for me after the peer pressure and constant push and one day when i was sick and slept on his bed after medications, (I wasn’t conscious) he touched my boobs tried kissing me, i pushed him back still in the state of half-consciousness, he suddenly stood up and started saying sorry so that i don’t create a scene, i was too blank atm, I decided to leave but he didn’t let me. Because the main doors were closed from outside, i sat down on the chair and left in the morning as soon as the door opened. And then he started spreading false rumours and talks about the night, so i went to confront him infront of all of our friends then he was caught in his his own false stories twice and everyone chose to ignore that, even my girl-friend didn’t say a word and then later she comes to me and says “I’m w you, ik he’s lying” but still she didn’t stand by me. I was all alone in the battle, I didn’t come out of my hostel room for days didn’t eat, cried for so many days and then one day her boyfriend calls me and says to have a normal life or else whole hostel will get to know what happened and then they won’t let you live, he even said that my fault was to take medicines and sleep on his bed. ( i trusted him as a friend) I didn’t know what was coming. I was numb for days. And now till date she behaves weird w me. No one talks to me properly. I’m left w just one friend who’s also my roommate. And now I haven’t been able to concentrate on my studies, I’ve constant mood swings, i feel sick most of the times, I’ve no friends i can trust.I’m not able to put my faith on anyone.
I have very good and trustworthy partner, he’s w me, he believes in me, and he knows how I’m fighting w my own thoughts so to keep me calm he has been over protective these days, he over do everything, be it care, concern, love everything, and o get irritated these days, i broke up w him today stating these facts. I hate to be weak, i hate what I’m becoming.
These days i feel very very very low. I cry daily, everyday. It’s very hard to survive like this.
Even on somedays, when a person starts behaving soemthing out of blue which he/she doesn’t used to makes me go paranoid, and think what did i do now.
It feels without even committing any wrong, I’m the one facing the hardships. And it’s very difficult. + with all the financial issue going at home and my mother’s health is also not being bery good makes me worry so much. I’m having a very hard time keeping my faith on things and people and maybe even on god. I’ve tried being good but if this is what comes in return What’s the use of staying and doing good? I’m just too heartbroken.
in life, there will always be those bad apples, and people who will wear a wolf’s skin, while pretending to be your companions.
i feel terrible that you had to go through so many things - what that guy did to you was outright horrendous, and i really hope you’ve completely cut ties with him. sexual assault is no joke, and you can technically even press charges if you want to.
your ‘friend’ sounds extremely toxic and i recommend you also leave her behind. as a person, it is your duty to assess and determine whether or not you should continue to keep contact with someone - and it sounds like she caused you a lot of stress and negatively affected your mental health; something that i’m really sorry that you had to go through. that situation sounds like a nightmare; i hope you pushed past it.
what you need to do is breathe. absorb your emotion, and let it out. sometimes it’s okay to cry it out and i’m glad that you’re not just bottling it up. life is oftentimes, like a boulder; with its crushing weight constantly pressing against your shoulderblades as you hold it up, desparetly trying not to drop it. but the weight doesn’t get lighter; we just get stronger.
i advise you review your current relationships and bonds with others. cut out and leave behind those who are toxic, and move forward - because that’s the only thing you can do. time can either heal all wounds, or make them worse.
you’re not alone in this. i may not exactly understand how you feel, but just remember that there will always be kind people around you - whether they exist only within your heart, or simply watching over you, unnoticed.
overbearing partners are a huge issue - if he was making you extremely uncomfortable, then it was right of you to go forward. you mentioned that you have a roommate, right? perhaps try and bond and go out with her more often. i personally don’t have a lot of close acquantices - in fact, i only have one trusted close companion, but i find that one close friend is better than dozens of different, distant acquantices.
go out for a walk. get some fresh air - if you’re feeling unwell or stressed, i recommend perhaps doing some exercise to work it off? it’s good for your mental health and personally, it helps get my mind off the more dark aspects of my life. go out and meet some people (safetly, of course). join some clubs, reach out to colleagues, and once you feel ready, refocus your vision and get back on track.
if you’re having trouble with studies, i recommend khan academy - their lessons and videos have saved my butt multiple times and they’re super resourceful! <3 i hope that your mother feels better, and that you solve your financial issues - i recommend creating a budget to help yourself manage your finances ^-^
and in response to your question, honestly, i’m not sure. life is a fickle and cruel thing, that does what it wants. but what i can assure of, is that all good things come back to those who do them. one day, you’ll meet people who will treat you just as kind as you treat them. but at the same time, create boundaries. reinforce your kindness and only give it to those who deserve it - because as much as i think being generous is a good thing, there are terrible people out there who will take advantage of your kindness.
just take your time and let it out. you got this, warrior <3
