Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Birthdays don’t have to be painful.
Last year I complained about the superficiality of these celebrations and the things I have to endure in order to keep the fake happiness of it, and I still hold it true this year. But something about this one feels hurtful to experience. I lose my composture just thinking about it even though I know it’s not as bad as I portray it, I acknowledge the baggage in my body it’s because of past experiences in this date and how this doesn’t have to reflect it to this present.
My heart screams begging for the abstinence of any fake congratulation, of any member of my distant family to suddenly appear for me when I don’t reciprocate the way they do. When I’m scared to do so for my lack of contact in any way. I don’t want any present that I will feel obligated to compensate later because I learned that these come with a price, literally and metaphorically. I want to repel any expenses on me that will cut something I need of my daily life since we will lack money. Greetings from friends and mates that I treated badly, I abandoned, I keep only for surviving sake and for the fear of truly being alone. A big congratulation for someone, me, I feel it doesn’t deserve what it receives. Because all, all of this, will make a twist for the worst my mind tells me; family will have a conflict, my feeling of low self-worth will mockingly and proudly say “I told you so” when I have to reduce myself and accept people I hate and I’m indifferent come to greet me, when I feel obligated to do something for the other person even though I hate doing things for birthdays since it never comes from a place of sincerity and love. I know myself enough to know I don’t want to receive anything I don’t want to give later, or something that will build up the expectation of the other person when it comes to myself giving anything to them. But so as I believe these affirmations in feelings, I acknowledge aswell much of this is irrationality coming from a place of pure fear of hurting, getting hurt and vulnerability. And ironically, this is why I want to be grateful for this birthday; made me stab the knife on the ground and accept that even though I didn’t have a negative perception of myself neither I punished me in horrible or depressive ways, this lack of conscious attention of my being made me swallow the influence of bad judgements of myself deep into my unconsciousness and here I stand, worrying about something that can be so trivial yet I scarr myself in these types of ways.

People care, that’s something I can’t control. Whether they care to make me know that they were there for me in a “special” day for love or for gain, it’s still caring about it anyways. I can’t control what happens to me outside in the world full of these concepts and obligations, or the people who follow it from whatever reason they believe. I can’t judge that, I can only know what they show and I can take it or leave it. If it feels fake, feel grateful for the try and let it go. If it feels real, embrace it and do what you are; you can’t help but be what and who you are, that has to be the point of a day that essentially focus on yourself. Gifts don’t have to be repaid as the word means, and although I hate to say such a phrase I do feel sorry for myself in this aspect that the only way I learned, deep in my heart, to receive, is that I have to repay or consequences will come. If people give that’s on them and for that I appreciate the trouble. I shouldn’t be obligated to meet expectations neither give for pure pression, I hope no one feels this way with me. It’s ok to celebrate I was born, I can occupy space in this Earth that gave birth to me and it’s telling me to live. And if distant family comes back to me to congratulate me even though I’m absent to them… it’s never too late. It should be as simple as starting somewhere and knowing they will understand; late would be when they or I are dead. For last, family conflicts it’s something I also can’t control but I can manage. I always know a way somehow and I’m grateful for that also.

It’s been overwhelming, I couldn’t blame myself to feel this way when I’m in contact with people physically after two years in isolation. It’s difficult to pass the challenges one puts for oneself. I know mine is surrending, accepting and ending in embracing myself with the ugly and the mud that comes within it all. I will still hate the superficiality of the day though, since a mentality or, more so, a belief system doesn’t change with just pure reflection; action is needed and for that I have years of experience to polish. Now I will just try to take it easy after letting it alllll go. Remembering to see with other eyes makes it easier, yet in the moment can be quite the challenge as I said earlier. I’m happy with these after tears were shredded and knowing I will come back, I will see my growing. Because like I repeat, birthdays don’t have to be painful; my self doesn’t have to be painful to enjoy even through it all, I can bother the thought of living and being in the chaotic order and I will so.