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Now&Me @nowandme

This Women’s Day, we’re all about celebrating women and opening up a conversation on the less talked about topics of women, sex and pleasure. We have on board @drmarthalee, a clinical sexologist to answer all your questions. 🤔💭

About Dr Martha Tara Lee (She/Her) 👩‍⚕️

A born and bred Singaporean Chinese, Dr Martha is a Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She has a doctorate in human sexuality, and a master’s in counselling and two other degrees. In practice for 13 years, Dr Lee is also the appointed Resident Sexologist for sexual wellness boutique (Pink Lifestyle) and Clinical Sexologist of Singapore Cancer Society.

She is the author of Love, Sex and Everything In-Between (2013), Orgasmic Yoga: Masturbation, Meditation and Everything In-Between (2015), From Princess to Queen: Heartbreaks, Heartgasms and Everything In-Between (2017), and {Un}Inhihibited (2019).

Feel free to ask her any and all questions aligning with the theme without a smidge of hesitation before 8th March (Tuesday) 💐

Asking questions shows strength, not weakness.
🧡 Ask away and stay informed! 🧡

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Profile picture for Now&Me member @dlsr
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76 replies
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Anonymous

Can we text them in person or do we have to talk in the comments?

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Now&Me @nowandme

Please add your questions in the comments and she will answer here 🤗🧡

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Anonymous

How to get rid of UTI infection? And what does it mean when we have a very thick white discharge like not the usual one but more thicker

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Anonymous

Sorry, I didn’t get you? I’m a (female)

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Dr. @drmarthalee

Please go to a medical doctor for a proper check-up, diagnosis, and treatment. If itching is present, thick white discharge may indicate a yeast infection. This is common and has nothing to do with being sexually active.

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Anonymous

Is there any home remedies for it?

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Dr. @drmarthalee

Please do not count on home remedies. They do not go away by themselves.

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Anonymous

I mastrubate a lot, is it bad?

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Dr. @drmarthalee

There is nothing bad about masturbation or masturbating a lot. There is no limit to pleasure - we stop ourselves because of all that fear around addiction and “overdoing”. The only time you should stop is when there is pain involved. More sex ed content/ videos around masturbation is here https://www.youtube.com/c/MarthaTaraLee/search?query=masturbation

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Anonymous

I don’t feel the the need Or urge to have sex, is it normal? I just don’t like the idea of it

Profile picture for Now&Me member @toxichousehold2

🧸🎀 @toxichousehold2

You might be asexual

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Anonymous

I was in love, but never have done it

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Dr. @drmarthalee

It depends on whether this has been long-time, situational, or temporary. As we go through different phases of our lives e.g. illness, death in the family, job crisis etc, we might have time when we have low or no sex drive. If your “don’t like the idea of sex” is related to your attitude around sex and sexuality, then you can take steps to develop a better relationship with sex and sexuality such as through sex-positive and educational content around it. I have 800+ free videos on YouTube is a start https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCojF8JauXT3Xvd2bWgS3QVQ

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Anonymous

1)Is it true that if you’re a virgin your chances of getting fibrodenoma in the breasts are higher?
2)how do I know I have a low sex drive if I’ve never even had sex before?? Because;
3)the closest to being sexual with a partner was intense making out, and using fingers down there. Is it even healthy?if fingers sometimes hurt what more an actual penis?lol…how do you know your vagina is capable of handling such penetrations?
4)is it true the older you get the less sex appeals to you?

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Dr. @drmarthalee

1) Fibroadenoma is a growth in breast which comes from hormonal imbalance. usually it is not affected by sex.
2) Low sex drive simply means that it is lower than your partner. This is common and one can take steps to navigate this. Rather than worry about a problem that doesn’t exist, I suggest just focus on having a positive sex attitude for a start.
3) There is nothing unhealthy with being sexual in whatever way you want by yourself or with a partner. Yes fingers can hurt in the vagina (also known as digital penetration) for virgins and non-virgins. Being aroused, slow, and progressive helps. Our vagina is capable to have vaginal births but it is common for our vagina to feel sore/ sensitive when we are new to these touch/ stimulation/ sensations.
4) The idea of “been there, done that” can come in. The point is to take ownership of how you’re feeling and do things you need to make sex news, fresh, exciting, as opposed of being bitter and jaded. This applies to life as well - not just sex.

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Dr. @drmarthalee

Disagree about putting it all on being turned on - you’re just citing popular literature. The vagina and body feels different on different days including before and during ovulation and period. Putting it down to the vagina is meant for baby/ penis doesn’t erase the fact that there is actual sensitivity in the vagina because it is full of nerve endings.

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Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

There is nothing bad about masturbation or masturbating a lot. There is no limit to pleasure - we stop ourselves because of all that fear around addiction and “overdoing”. The only time you should stop is when there is pain involved. More sex ed content/ videos around masturbation is here https://www.youtube.com/c/MarthaTaraLee/search?query=masturbation

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🧸🎀 @toxichousehold2

How do you stimulate the clitoris?

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Dr. @drmarthalee

Can stimulate in many ways but the common ways are: side-to-side; up and down; round and round as per this sex ed video I did https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q19OoYZetMs&t=130s

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Anonymous

How to have sexual relation with your partner while being in long distance?

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

Can use erotic talk; webcam sex; and remote sex through the use of sex toys e.g. Lovense sexual toys are bluetooth AND internet compatible - your partner can log in and control the toy.

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Anonymous

What are the pleasure points coz it feel clitoris is the only one.
Is it ok to feel the urge sometimes?

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Dr. @drmarthalee

Our clitoris gives us pleasure because it is full of nerve endings. Can watch this sex ed video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q19OoYZetMs&t=130s but our whole body is a sexual organ capable of pleasure. You can explore your body in different ways in combination with clit e.g. breasts, nipples, back of neck, your thighs etc. Yes it is ok to feel horny/ urge - it is part of being alive and a healthy adult.

Anonymous

First of all, great initiative by @Now&Me team for this opportunity.

Hello Dr. Lee
I am a 24 yr old woman. I have a history of sexual assault when I was young. I didnt seek help for it in the past and now I am suffering from depression and anxiety (assault not being the only reason).
I have always had issues with physical intimacy when it comes to relationship. I bond with people on an emotional level and sometimes its not enough when it comes to romantic relationships. I am not sexually active but the thought of being involved in one causes a sense of panic.
All in all, I donot feel 100% free and secure in any relationship which leads to its failure. Involving in any sort of physical intimacy just brings a lot of guilt and sometimes disgust for my own self. Do you have any suggestions for me how to proceed in such cases? I mean is it that I am afraid of intimacy or afraid of being violated? I cant figure it out.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

Thank you for sharing. It is important to do the inner work to heal yourself of the past and take steps to reclaim your sexuality, including being sexual by yourself for a start.

There are many accounts by survivors of sexual abuse on how they healed themselves. I suggested these episodes from my Eros Evolution podcast
Healing from Child Sex Abuse
http://omtimes.com/iom/2017/08/healing-child-sexual-abuse-brooke-woon-bpsych-pgcouns-pgpsych/
http://omtimes.com/iom/2016/06/gods-callgirl-healing-abuse/

Post on overcoming sexual anxiety https://www.eroscoaching.com/2018/07/book-extract-overcoming-sexual-anxiety/

It is useful to seek a therapist you are comfortable with in the city you’re in. Our work is confidential and rapport is important for you to open up to this person. So do have an initial consultation and see if you feel comfortable to continue to work with them.

Anonymous

Thanks a lot for your advice.

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Dr. @drmarthalee

Welcome. I wish you all the best. Slow and steady steps towards healing and sexual reclamation.

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Anonymous

Earlier I used to feel like getting aroused while being with my partner not used to have any pain but then we didn’t do any sexual activity for almost 6 months and after then we were doing it got me pain even while doing the finger thing and while penetration as well it was paining and still it does so we don’t do anything expect oral for him

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

The way we feel, and the way our vagina feels can change day-by-day depending on what is happening - stress, lubricated, not had sexual intimacy, period coming for a while.

Don’t over-analyse. Go slow with your partner when you haven’t had sex for a while. Incorporate sexual lubricant (do look out for organic ones). And stop when in pain. More foreplay and fingering before penile penetration can help.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

You do not need to apply anything on his penis to give oral sex, but you can if you like. I caution about putting coconut oil into your vagina (transfer from his penis to your vagina during penetration oil) as it has anti bacterial properties and can mess up the delicate PH balance IN the vagina (external is fine). Some people choose flavored lubricants (I suggest also look at and find out more about how safe the ingredients are, as again, it might end up in your vagina).

You can get my Festive Fellatio recording here on oral sex techniques https://www.eroscoaching.com/2021/12/bedroom-confidence/

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

If you’re asking about anal play/ sex, there is one article:
https://www.eroscoaching.com/2021/03/anal-sex-the-necessary-hygiene-and-safety/
+ video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Il8ydvkD_9g

Profile picture for Now&Me member @dlsr
@dlsr

How can we remove the taboo around female sexuality and uplift women to be in equity with the rest of society?
How can we do our parts to create the society a safe space for women and normalise important and sensitive topics like menstruation?

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

Start by being positive about your own sex and sexuality. You cannot make others be something or somebody when they are not ready. We lack healthy role models in society, and we can each start to make a difference by being healthy and sex-positive ourselves. Rather than push messages of positive sexuality and sexual empowerment onto others, it is important that we also use the “pull” method of first being “it”.

Many people put out sex positive content and share their voices and stories through social media - Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Blog etc. Rather than just be another wannabe who doesn’t have all the facts, it is important to take your time to be authentically you and come from that space. Take sexual health education courses in your city if it is available, or online. There are lots of certification programs if you just look.

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Anonymous

I masturbate on almost alternate days. So is it bad for my body and clitoris? How much should I limit it to?

This thought has been deleted by the thought author
Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

There is nothing bad about masturbation or masturbating a lot. There is no limit to pleasure - we stop ourselves because of all that fear around addiction and “overdoing”. The only time you should stop is when there is pain involved. More sex ed content/ videos around masturbation is here https://www.youtube.com/c/MarthaTaraLee/search?query=masturbation

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

Watching porn during masturbation is a common sexual behaviour. How you watch to express your sexuality is between you and you. There is nothing wrong with it. However watching porn during masturbation ALL the time (I emphasize all the time) doesn’t necessarily teach you to be mindful, creative or confident when having sex with a partner. Hence this is where clients seek my sexuality counseling/ coaching sessions to be better and more confident lovers (I emphasize there is no touch or nudity in my work - I am not a sex worker). Can watch these videos on my thoughts on porn https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=porn+martha+eros+coaching

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Anonymous

How to ask my new partner to get STI tested first?

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

Yes you can. Ask “When was the last time you had a full STI test?” Depending on their answer, you can say, “I will feel more comfortable if both of us get tested before we start being sexual.” It has nothing to do with trust/ not trust. It has everything to do how much you love and take care of yourself.

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Anonymous

Thank you for that help. I fear that I will just get a no or a bad reaction.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

You need to love yourself more than the fear of losing this person. You’re the one who needs to live with your decisions and the consequences. Anybody who doesn’t care about your thoughts, feelings, and fear doesn’t deserve you.

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Anonymous

I am in my mid 20’s and I have never masturbated. I dont feel the urge. I am not asexual though. Is that normal?

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

There is a term called “Sexual Awakening”. Just because not yet doesn’t mean never. I know of people who doesn’t feel sexual until they started to try with a partner. You don’t have to wait until you have a partner. Just because you don’t feel like it doesn’t mean you can’t explore your own body and sexuality - and see if you like it (like putting toe into water first). There is no need to overthink things as well.

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Anonymous

I dont know, but I find it gross idk why. I know its normal and everybody does it but I really cant

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Anonymous

I’m having a Ichyness in my butt hole and it pains while pooping and few days back something yellow string came out from my butt… And it’s still Ichyting and paining? What would it be? I’m so scared and yeah I was hospitalized and was on saline and injection in the last week due to severe gastric infection… Help me out please

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

This is a medical issue and requires medical attention. I am definitely not the right person to talk about this as I am not a medical doctor.

Adarsh saurav @unicorn_45

Can you please help me regarding how to move on I had been through a very bad breakup it’s been 5 month since we seperated but I am unable to forget all that memories I am still stuck can you please suggest something.

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Anonymous

Is it normal to feel the want to have sex with just that ONE person. So, lately I have been masturbating a lot but I am still not urged to have sex. I am probably ready to wait until I find that one guy I connect to and take things slow. Is it normal to feel that way?
Also, there are times I do feel guilty for masturbating. I know I shouldn’t be though. Is there any resources that could help me with, the same? Also, does masturbating affect us in any ways mentally?

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

For all the questions around normal, we need to give ourselves permission to be who we are without apologies. If you wait to wait until you find the one right person for you and take things at your own pace, there is nothing wrong with it. You have to live with yourself and your decisions and so the worst thing you can do is do what doesn’t feel good for you.

There is nothing bad about masturbation or masturbating a lot. There is no limit to pleasure - we stop ourselves because of all that fear around addiction and “overdoing”. The only time you should stop is when there is pain involved. More sex ed content/ videos around masturbation is here https://www.youtube.com/c/MarthaTaraLee/search?query=masturbation

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Anonymous

Is there any home remedy to lighten the vaginal area… Like it’s a bit dark down there although my skin is fair… How can make it fair

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

Not that I have to recommend. I suggest self acceptance and self love around our genitals. It is natural and normal for it to be a bit darker in colour.

A @anobody

How do you initiate sex? It makes me so nervous and I just can’t.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @drmarthalee

Dr. @drmarthalee

You don’t have to if you don’t want to. But if you want to, you can first let your partner know it is difficult for you and to establish certain code words, or visual cues e.g. pat them 3 times… and as you get more comfortable with initiating explore different ways e.g. express you like sex verbally, “Would you like to have sex?”.

HarshGhodke @harshghodke

Hi I have a question about my 🍌

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