Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Sorry that this is going to be so rambly but I’ve never spoken to anyone about how I feel before so I just want to get it all out. I just wanted to post this somewhere

I feel like I’ve wasted my childhood. I’ve always had issues with social anxiety and have never been able to initiate friendships. I had friends at school but I was never the one to start them. I went to uni but never really made too many friends and don’t speak to anyone from there anymore. I only really know 2 people who still live in my hometown and I see them every few months.

I’ve gone well over a week without speaking to anyone in a social setting. I’ve only spoken to my family and people from work.

I’m 24 and I’ve never had a real girlfriend. I never really had any female friends at school because I just didn’t know how to start conversations with people. There were definitely girls I wanted to be friends with but I just never knew what to say. I never really considered it at the time but my first two experiences with girls were really negative that I think it has left scars that I never realised. When I was in primary school, on two separate occasions, my friends told my crushes that I liked them against my wishes and both times they laughed and said they would never go out with me. I’ve only recently started to think that these experiences are probably one of the reasons why I hate my appearance so much and my first thought it that every girl I meet could never like me.

I also don’t drink so when it got to the age where everyone was beginning to have house parties and eventually go on nights out, no-one would ever invite me because they knew it wasn’t really my scene. The ones I did go to, I ended up not really enjoying because I was the only one sober and usually ended up by myself. Now, I really wish, I tried harder to push myself into being more sociable back then because now I’m 24 and don’t know anyone who I could go for a night out with so I just don’t know to meet anyone.

I’m also really worried about it I do meet someone now because I’m so inexperienced with anything relationships-wise that I think it will just be embarrassing to admit to them. I’m 24 and a virgin. I’ve never even had my first kiss. I just wish I could have done this when I was younger because it’s something that just gets more embarrassing as you get older and now it’s something that if I do meet someone, I think it will just make things weird l.

I still find it difficult to initiate conversations with anyone and it leads to me feeling depressed when I attend social events. I recently went to my cousin’s wedding and had one of the worst nights of my life. At the night party, everyone seemed to be having a great time, people were dancing together while I just sat with my 10 year old nephew for the whole night. There were people there my age who I wanted to go and have fun with but I just couldn’t.

I also love going to concerts but have to go alone because I don’t know anyone who would go with me. I love watching live music but always feel so out of place at concerts. Every one seems to having fun with their friends and I’m just there by myself not speaking to anyone else for the whole night. A few months ago, I saw the Instagram story of the girl I’ve had the biggest crush on since high school that she went to a concert the night before I was going to see the same singer. For the first time in my life, I used this as an opportunity to DM to her and ask about it but I just didn’t know how to continue a conversation after that.

I just feel incredibly alone. I’ve never been one of those people who hates social media but I’ve recently started to see that it probably is making my mental health worse and I just feel worse when I see people I used to be friends with at school going on holiday and nights out together. I just want to meet people and be able to meet people but I just don’t know how to do it.

I kinda want to move and start new somewhere else. I have a decent job and could probably afford to rent somewhere shitty but I couldn’t do that to my mum at the moment. She doesn’t have a great job and would not be able to afford the house at all if I didn’t help pay for all the bills. I love her to death but I feel so trapped here. I have a good relationship with both my parents and that’s something I would never complain about. I met my dad to play tennis today and we l go on a few trips to watch football together but I wish I knew anybody else I could do things like this with other than my dad.

I’ve always had periods where my lack of a social life has brought me down but it’s really start to hit me this year how shit I feel. It’s gotten to a point where there’s always a couple of nights each week where I stay awake all night thinking about how I might always feel this alone. I used to think that it would just happen one day and I’ll meet a girl and I’d come out of my shell but I’m realising that nothing will happen unless I change but I just don’t know what to do.