She is strong, but not in the ways most people think. She loves more than she’ll ever get back and she knows it. And yet, she loves anyway

Love

The dynamics between me and the person i considered my best friend have changed so much it hurts like hell and I can't help myself from breaking into tears. It's like we are becoming strangers more and more every passing day, I most certainly overestimated my place in her heart. I felt a connection with her, while she didn't (at least I felt she did in the beginning). I thought our friendship was special, but i guess i was massively wrong. It sucks not being able to talk about my day with her and asking about hers and talk about random stuff like we did when things were going well. She started making me feel lonely and said some things that deeply hurt me. I've tried everything possible to save this relationship but i guess its just wasn't meant to me. This relationship meant much more to me than it meant to her. It doesn't feel right but I'll have to distance myself now, i know it's gonna hurt bad as i loved and adored her, but i really have no other choice. I can't wait for her to come around anymore. The worst part is that I'll have to see her in class everyday knowing after so much has changed.

Friends


#15..........I gave my first semester exams and went home for diwali. Though I had to return back after 4 days so it wasn't much like a vacation. I was feeling homesick and alone. I very thought of coming back to college in the crowd of unknown people or fair weather friends was sickening me. I missed my home for the first time since the first time. My flight landed and I took a cab to my college. On my way back just out of curiosity I did something that i have never done before. I downloaded Tinder. After swiping left on few guy I found someone who looked decent and without thinking much swiped right on him. The very next moment we got matched. I started talking to him over text. I reached college but all the while I kept chatting with him over text. Soon we exchanged numbers and after a week of just talking we decided to meet up..........(to be continued) 





3am Thoughts

Hey family so I fell in love with this guy I didn’t know how I fell for him but I did and I’m sure he didn’t notice I was in love with him we have an age gap of 13 years.When I realized I was in love with him I knew this was a recipe for disaster because I was willing to do anything for him if he had asked.So I decided to beat him at the game I blocked and deleted him and told him we can’t keep on talking and I have no means on contacting this guy .lts been 6 months he’s been on my mind and for the first time in my life l felt love and I don’t know if I’ll ever find love like that . 
So that’s my story 

Gratitude

I really want to kill myself.

Let me preface, I never would. But I wish I could. The only thing really stopping me is my religion, but I know that if it wasn’t forbidden in Islam I would have killed myself long ago. I just find it really hard to keep going. Things are so hard, which is so selfish of me to say because there are so many people who would kill for my life. It’s weak, I know it is. Looking for an easy way out just because of discontent. There’s no real set reason why I don’t want to be here anymore, it’s more because of small, little reasons building up. 

I find it hard to be a girl when I look this way; it is as if I have no value because I am not feminine. I hate to put so much emphasis on my looks but my personality is boring and weird too. My brain is rotten and my heart is so heavy, everyday feels like I’m being weighed down by my own existence. It would be better if I could make up for my disgusting looks with brains but even then I am average at best. I have nothing special about me. No defining trait; everything about me is excruciatingly average. I wouldn’t feel this way if I was insanely smart, because then I would at least have that to keep going for. Being ugly and stupid and coming from a broken home and feeling so invisible and insignificant all the time is just too much for me to bear. When I think about having to keep living like this for the rest of my life, it pains me. It would be so much easier if I could be dead, and the world could move on without me - even though it already does.

I know people who have killed themselves. Two people. And to say I knew them is a bit of an overstatement. But they killed themselves and I bet they are happier now. I know I would be at peace. It would take a while but I know that everyone would get over it, because that’s how insignificant my life is to everyone. I have been in the background my entire life and I’m just so tired of it.

Why, in my own life, have I always been in the shadows?

I know how selfish this is, because I truly am grateful for everything in my life. My family, my friends, my religion. There isn’t anything wrong with everything else in my life, it’s just me. All me. 

You can’t get anywhere in life if you are ugly or stupid, especially not as a girl. I will never be anyone’s favourite person, I will never be truly loved unconditionally. I will never be happy for as long as I live. I don’t want to keep bringing everyone around me down by how depressing I am but I am so tired of keeping it bottled in. 

I don’t want to hurt the people I love, but I really do think they’d be much happier if I was gone. And even if the aren’t, at least I would be.

Sometimes we just miss someone... a friend, who has just become a memory... he/she is alive but has gone so far that you can only touch those beautiful memories- which make you smile and cry at the same time. When we miss those moments filled with joy to realise how alone we are and those happy memories become both wounds and ointments. Sometimes we don't miss that person but that memory and we want to live them again..but that person has left leaving a vacuum in your soul. 
When we ask ourselves if that person also misses us, to get no answer. When we see rains and miss those "rain songs" we used to sing. When we skip that playlist which was our favourite, in order to skip those tears which it will bring. When we see the stars at night to remember how we used to count those constellations. 
 When we see our phone and remember talking for hours to that person who is too far now to be texted by any smartphone. When we are afraid of opening up gallery or "this day 3 years ago" on our phone because we know that we don't have the courage to look at them.

When we miss that "hand in hand" walking, only to realise our empty hand right now. I had a whole sea once, now just some sand in my hands. Our promises and story ended halfway, dear A and dear T, I don't know why. I miss you two. But you two have gone so far that I can just write this anonymously as a tribute to our friendship. Maybe I wasn't good enough, but just wish you two get all the happiness of the world. The worst goodbyes are those which are never explained. 
Maybe we meet again in a crowded metro- as strangers and walk away giving a side-eye. Or never. Some stories are open-ended and too painful to remember.

Life

Madness
I'm a keen reader and I love to read novel and history and there is one thing that common in every era or in every century that create so much chaos and mess in whole world and that is the deeds which we did in the name of love many kings engaged in needless wars just because they claimed that they love someone and now they wanted to possession so they start needless wars created mess did deeds that never justify and that is what actually happened in our history love death destruction and that always effect whole society because due to those deeds always society blame that love is dangerous or whatever but we always know that deep down there is no love it all things that happens in history happened due to their desires and there uncontrollable lust which caused so many deaths destruction and still even in these days we did or every act we did on the name of love is just our desire our lust or our ambitions i don't know what is others defination of love but mine is simple it is just giving everything to that perso and  it is freedom of that person and never expect to that person to love us back or anything it is simple but maybe there is another definition that in the name of love do every deed that satisfy yourself like sex money or anything just say that you love them or just realised them that thing then ask them anything in the name of love and that is simple way because if you ask these things straight you know what happens so we use name of love and than we make fool other person and use them simple that happens in all history and am sure it will happen in future and yup it is happening in present offcourse what is your views guys ??

RM keep appearing in my dreams🤦. TBH Sometimes it's feel real so I don't want to wake up.😂

Happy

I have to stay at home the whole day for self study. Since two months I have not stepped out for one or two reasons. Finally I decided that once a week I will visit cafes . But still wasn't able to because of some reasons. Yesterday I was feeling low and I shared my sad mood to my friend. She suggested me to step out and go to places once a week at least. Now her advice is same as what I decided for myself. I told her that I thought the same but wasn't able to go for some reasons. If tomorrow I go to a cafe and click pictures, won't she say it to herself that it was her idea. If only I had visited the cafe before. I was too excited for my idea and was waiting to go to cafes. But now even if I go tomorrow, the credit will go to her. My excitement is replaced with annoyment.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts