I've dated good people. But somehow there comes a point where they find themselves either in love with someone else or not in love with me anymore. Im starting to feel like there's something terribly wrong with me. 

It's not always your fault if the other person falls out of love with you. Sometimes with time, people realise they are not meant for each other or find someone they feel more compatible. 

I think I'm still not included in those "good people"...🌻💖

Breakup

Ever feel tired of running a race you don't want to... Ever feel like vanishing from the life you are compelled to continue living coz the people around u need you.. 


3am Thoughts

It's alright, this too shall pass. You'll be okay ~hugs

Failure

I don’t know but I feel so lost now. Feels like whats the purpose of this life , why are we even here 
So Until 2020 I was doing okay. Everything was fine. I was always a topper until school and I wrote this entrance exam for CS(company secretary) too in 2020 and cleared the entrance . Actually When I was in school always used to think CA hi karna hai. Ca hi banna hai 
But 12th mei I was in a relationship pata nhi kya hua , I changed as a person , my thoughts , Perspectives and opinions changed 
Sab change hogaya. Uske sath rehke yeh CA ke plans drop kardiye Maine. 12th Khatam hua Sab theek tha but lockdown aagaya Bas jhand hogayi hai tabse life. 2020 se sab badal Gaya . Breakup hogaya , career ka kuch pata nhi. College mei bhi I got myself enrolled into a wrong Course
I regret all the decisions 
These past 2 years , I feel like I’ve only made wrong decisions . I chose CS cause honestly I felt left out , sab CA karrahe the and CA is so tough mujhse hota Nahi toh chalo CS karlete 
2021 mei I had to give my inter exam CS ka
But I wasted one year , honestly I was so lost 
All those breakdowns and so many other things
Nahi hua padhna , books ko touch bhj nhi kiya kabhi. Honestly I don’t even think I wanna do this Course. Shayad Sab karrahe hai isliye mann mei aaya karleti hu. But now I feel like bas hai Ek college ki degree I just want a job now cause honestly parents Ke paiso se jeena is getting too embarrassing , I feel the guilt everyday 
Life mei na Maine aaj tak kuch Nahi Kiya , na kabhi koi sport khela hai , na mujhmei koi talent hai na hi paisa kamaya Na kabhi workout kiya ya tried to stay healthy , Na kabhi relations maintain kiye dhang se
I feel like such a waste 
Kyu hi jee rahi hu mai. I don’t deserve anything cause now all I do is waste my time doing nothing all day and stilk not studying. All the career option that I explore mujhe Bas lagta hai kitna tough hai sab. Ek degree leke job karlu Aur apne expenses uthalu Aur parents ke liye kuch karu bas I think Wahi Mera life ka ultimate goal hogaya hai ab. I honestly don’t even know if I wanna do this degree. Wasted a lot of time , wasted 2 years of my life. Parents ko shayad iss lifetime mei kabhi proud Feel nhi karwa paungi.
Mujhse kuch nhi horaha hai life mei ab. Na padhai hoti and mujhse ab relations bhi maintain nhi horahi , if someone is leaving from my life , I find myself not giving a fuck, I’ve become so mean. I don’t even feel the attachment towards people anymore I feel like I’m just being fake to fit in everywhere. I don’t deserve anything , I don’t even deserve to it. Mere koi dreams ya aspirations nhi h. Just exisitING at the end of each day is feeling like a task. Life mei kuch theek nhi horhaa 2020 Ke baad. I miss my childhood so much. Life was perfect Back then life has no meaning now 
I feel this way everyday and I just cannot deal with this anymore I’m so done with life , people and just everything 
Nothing can heal me 
Life is tough 
Nahi horahi padhai bilkul na kuch horaha hai 
I just want to start earning that’s it. 
I just have so many regrets , and everyday Woh guilt feeling and also that I’ve wasted a lot of my time.  I’m so unproductive . Mere jitna kharab Insaan Aur koi nhi hoga shayad iss duniya mei ab. 
I don’t deserve to live.  I have no idea what To do 
Where to start and is it okay if I’m earning less also with one degree? 
Cause this pressure ke sab karrahe hai kuch na kuch Aur bas mai hi life mei aajtak kuch nhi kiya 
I don’t know what to do. 
Mental health state is very bad rn. 

Frustration

Main apna kaam acche se toh uss Varun jisne mujhe damki di thi ussne mujhe call Kiya tha kuch dar pehle ....    
Hume bola ki " hume aapse baat nahi karni hai " kuch baatana tha " 
But jab hume yeh bola ki " Or yeh kyu bola tha Ki ager tum x boyfriend ke depression se Nahi nikalli toh usse 3 din sex karunga Aur Aisa karunga Jisse tum kabhi nahi bhool paayenge 
He said " Tumne glt suna tha aur tumhare kaan baj rahe hai  aur tum bhut acchi ladki ho" 
Mere se juth bol rehe hain 
Aub voh varun mujhe puch reha hai ki "voice sex kese karte hai " Hume bol diya hai ki " hum kaam kar rahe hain"  
he said " Voh bola kab tak free hogi
Humne bol Diya "jab hum puri tarah se Free hoge tab " 
Voh bola "main wait karunga " 
Aubhi message Kiya mujhe ki " ok waiting " 
Hume bol diya ki sone ja rahe hain
He said " Me pgl hu jo wait kr rha hu "
 "Ab baat Mt Krna please"
"Jab apko jarurat thi me th na" 
Toh aubhi mujhe call Kiya tha
he said "main tumhara wait kar Raha hu " 
hume kai baar bola ki  "hum sone ja rahe hain"  
unhone bola "main kuch de raha hoon dekho " 
Toh issne mujhe 2 sex video di ,
or bola " call cut mat karna aaj puri raat tumhare saath call par rhunga " 
Humne call cut kar diya 
Aub bola "sorry "
Matlab sach me had hai main pereshan hogyi hoon inn logo se matlab ek taraf bol rehe ho sex karunga or usske baad tum bol rehe ho "sorry" ya "mene Aisa kuchh bhi ni bola hai . "


Anxiety

Ask me questions?

झिंगलाला हुहु 

so this is a long story hope u bear to read.
so i never had relationship before cos i took my education seriously and my parents are little strict about dating scene 
so after i completed my engineering i met this girl and fell into love with each other. she was a working person and i just left a job cos i wanted to get a govt job. But i kept it a secret cos of my parents. 
initially everything was going good we met .i used to go to her home she used to come to my home. then after the covid she started going to office after wfh ended . then she told me she will be in relationship if u promise to marry so i hold her hand promised her that. No matter i will put in all my efforts but i will never leave this hand. 

then it felt like she didnt get time to that much to meet and all. she also had a long list of male frnds(3 i knew of)  who used to like her and even proposed her  and i had an issue with that so i used to tell her that i dont feel that good about you being around them. we used to have arguments regarding this cos i everyday learnt about someone new. And i had to almost needed to beg for her time. We didnt even get to meet once in a month. And our conversation was also getting limited. But i didnt give up on her for that promise.
So fast forward her parents started looking for a groom and she said to me to talk to her parents. But i was preparing for a govt job so i said please understand even i talk to her my parents wont agree as i dont have a job and once get a job they they will agree but please support me.And give me sometime. But eventually marriage was called off and i was happy that i got the time i needed. 
But on the day she brokeup saying “ you cant about me in your home i cant tell me about u in my home” but i convinced her for some time . 
So one day i asked her how was ur day she aent me pic of her saying “we had room party” i said okkay although i was sad coz she didnt made time for me when i requested her . 
But as i got serious about the relationship i started giving hints to my parents and told them that i am seeing this girl. 
Few day later i saw her whatsapp status celebrating some other frnd bday.  Again i was hurt. 
Later she told me she is going for a office trip so i motivated her to go on but stay aware of the drunk guys. 
So before one week before the teip i texted her” please meet me before leaving , as i would like to meet you before leaving and say good bye to you”  but she didnt meet although she crossed my home twice in a day.  So on the 3 day of the reip i called her and said “the way u are making me feel is not good,u will fave ur karma one day”  and i apologised to her next thinking i overeacted. And then didnt talk for whole week. Even after she returned she was not texting me, so i asked her little sister and she told she is talking to some guy cnamed nitesh who went on trip with her. 
I felt bad and went to to talk to her but she turned her face around and dint meet. So i texted her. But she brokeup again for the final time. And i even made my sister talk to her to convince her but she left .
After 2 months i tried to contact her asking that now have hot a job in SBI PO would you like to marry me hopping that she would be little sad about the breakup. But she was so emotionless she told me i am dating nitesh. And i went into depression cos of it thinking she forgot about me so quick. And all struggles i went through for her. 
She told me that she has told about nitesh in her home and she will marry him.  
So i called her mom and told my story . Aunty said “no this cant happen wshe is a naive person and i would never let her marry him who i dont know “ 
So she called me and said what do you want to do, cant you she others happy ?  I replied what about my happiness when me and my sister was trying to convince you that  dont break somones life time promise for ur temporary pleasure, and you decided in 20 days that u will marry him just like u did to me” 
U broke my trust .. i motivated you for that trip trusting in you but what did i get in return. ? 

Why do my parents always act like I'm going to do something illegal whenever I go out. I mean I am but, where tf is the trust at. 😭💀

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