it seems like there’s a lot to unpack here, and i think screaming into the void (?) sounds like a great way to start lmao.
march 2019 i gave my boards, i think like all pcm students, or hell, a lot of 12th graders this implies peak stress levels, peak pressure & continuous crying. i am the sort of person who bases a lot of her self worth on the amount of marks she gets, or how well she does in an internship, so this was pretty basic hell for me.
so naturally, there was a lot of second guessing, a lot of pressure i inflicted on myself, a lot of terrible pain i put myself through. all this along with a lot of pain that someone else put me through as well, only because he couldn’t make up his own damn mind. i genuinely believe i reached rock bottom in a lot of ways during 12th grade, and march, every year, is a whole lot of anxiety for me simply because the weather is similar to that in march 2019 & subsequent months.
i think a lot of the trauma i faced then i didn’t actually unpack till the boards were over, and at present i cannot begin to express just how terrible it was, but yeah, fuck it. everyone around me broke my heart & i was left to pick up the pieces in the middle of what seemed like the most important exams in my life, and words cannot express just how alone i felt after boards were over & i was left to unpack all of this.
but the story doesn’t even end there.
march & april 2021, the time wherein everything went to shit, and possibly a real rock bottom to me. something that i cannot unpack right now, no matter how much i try.
i think your brain tends to forget a lot of the traumatic shit that happened to it, so naturally there is a lot i don’t seem to remember, or seem to want to remember. but there is way too much i do remember, and i cannot shake the feeling that something bad is out there.
anyway yeah, these are gonna be a weird couple months, and even right now i’m positively so scared of the future, i am trying to think of all the good things in my life to feel better, but somehow my brain can only think about how they can all be taken away from me.
what even is this?
