Thought

@lookingforinfinite

In all my 17 years, I have just recently found this site, and I need to get all of my feelings out somewhere, as I’m sure you all are thinking as well or you probably wouldn’t be here. I do have depression, but I don’t have the type of background that this would be expected of. I’ve never endured traumatic scenarios, I haven’t lost close loved ones, and I have a good support system. There is no reason for me to be like this, but that doesn’t stop me from the feeling of persistent numbness that occurs at random times. I can be doing something as simple as making a meal or walking down a hallway in school and it will hit me like a ton of bricks. It usually lasts a while as well - the feeling of nothing. It’s hard to understand what that is like unless you experience it yourself, so I thought this would be a good platform to discuss it. I’ve been unhappy with who I am. There is an ideal version of me out there that I just keep trying to strive for and it’s seemingly more distant the more I try to get there. I have wanted to die. I think to myself “what is the point of living if this is what it feels like?”. I’ve gone as far as attempting it. I have wanted so badly to just give it all up.
However, there is a feeling that keeps showing up right when I need it to. It is indescribable, there is no word for it that seems to fit, but I will try my best to explain. It’s like when you’re in a car, by yourself or with your favorite people, in the middle of the night driving through a city that is busy and chaotic during the day, but tranquil and abandoned at night. You are listening to music that actually makes you feel something, and you are able to forget about all that worries you and you can live simply in that moment. It seems to provoke a feeling of longing for all that was and all that has yet to be, but in a good way. You stop caring about all that has wronged you in the past, and you live for all the good that has been right infront of you the entire time. 
And if for nothing else, staying alive for this feeling alone is worth it, I can promise you that. 
If any of you even understand what I am talking about please respond and tell me about what provokes this feeling within you!

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1 reply
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Anonymous

Hey youuu. “I do have depression, but I don’t have the type of background that this would be expected of.” I think this is so relatable. Because there are so many of us who feel this way and tell our peers and family and they say that “it’s just a phase” or “what do you have to worry about, you have everything” or they say “other people have it so much worse” BUT just because someone else has it worse, doesn’t mean that my problems are small? If something is bothering me, then it is bothering me. How can someone else give magnitude to my feelings or problems. It’s so absurd. I completely understand what you are trying to say.
 
Sometimes, I listen to this particular song and the beats or the lyrics just make me feel or invoke this feeling within me that everything will be okay. That I will get through everything and that everything is calm and nice and beautiful and that the world is all sunshine and rainbows. This feeling also comes when I am driving ALONE at night in good weather with the windows rolled down and good music in the car. That feels like THERAPY!!! It’s one of the best feelings I get. I think spending time alone is very important - I love going for coffee and breakfast alone, or going for movies alone. It makes me feel liberated, confident and strong. You get me?

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