Thought

Profile picture for Now&Me member @galexia

Galexia @galexia

Idc how awful this sounds but I want to give up so bad. I feel so numb, I don’t even feel like I’m living? It’s so strange, I’m seeing a view that doesn’t feel like mine’s. I see in the mirror and I feel so lost there. My head hurts, I feel tired no matter how much I sleep. School is ending, and it’s always the same cycle: it ends, I have no other purpose on life but stay indoors and spend all my vacation in my room. 
I hate how I want to do things for my own but I have to be dependant bc I can’t do it on my own, I’m still young and dumb. I hate how I can’t cry anymore, I feel just sad and so empty. I hate that everyday is the same, I have to pretend everything is ok and how I’m not totally hunted by my destructive thoughts at all!
I want to grow up and get out of here, be independant and have a fucking life, but the world seems so depressing. It’s a bad world we’re living right now, just makes me feel hopeless. 
I’m disgusted by everything, I can’t ignore my situation now. I don’t want to progress, I don’t want to lay down on my bed and the only way I can be out of this home is by going to school. I hate that I only feel ok when I’m with friends, but I also feel so bad bc I feel stupid being around them. I can’t recognize myself, I can’t think clearly and that’s so fucking scary. I feel like I’m converting into pieces and just leaving a black hole in me.
And after all… I don’t really hate myself. I’m just tired of me, I’m tired of how dull my life is turning to be
Of course, I’m not doing anything really… I just feel and think and that’s the most productive thing I’ve done in my entire life. Probably this will just pass but yeah rn I feel like shit and giving up Being. I have this headache that reminds me the pressure of life and I needed to vent a bit.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @galexia
2 replies

Prem @prem

Hi dear
I would like to know are you having problem living with your parents? There are some guys like you and me who did not have that good childhood due to over strict or always negative talking parents.
I can understand from your post that you are loving  your school life and get depressed when school gets over and you got nothing to do.
That is something you should be proud of because your education is going to help you get independent.
I can understand how depressed and voilted you  feel in this cruel world.
Can you do below things for me:
-write down your overwhelming thoughts in your personal diary,if you have the fear of someone reading it,you can use any password protected diary app in your phone.
-since these are your vacation days,go out to nearest park or garden or beach.You won’t be having anyone to talk to you but you can just plug your headphones and listen to your favourite playlist (if you don’t have any songs of your choice I can help you with that).
You will feel little scared on day 1 but as the time passes you will feel free and better.
Our depressed thoughts go away and we feel light as we breath in open air of parks.
Observe how other people are enjoying with kids,how some people are jogging or doing exercises.
Our brain functions in such a way that when we include ourselves in particular crowd we tend to behave like them.So you may also want to get into jogging/exercising.
Even next few days you will have to push yourself to go out,but once you step out you will feel better and confident.
-When you are at home,you can choose to read any novel of your choice (I read love stories and murder mysteries) or watch your favourite childhood cartoon on youtube.
What your post suggests is nothing more than boredom,so take it easy and don’t worry.
-Lastly I want you to practice meditation.Meditation will help you realise what you feel is all in your head.All the useless and depressing thoughts will go away with depression and you will be able to concentrate on what matters.
I am giving you below link that explains about mindfulness
http://icallhelpline.org/4-self-help-techniques-for-when-you-are-stressed/

Profile picture for Now&Me member @galexia

Galexia @galexia

Wow… this was actually very helpful. Honestly I’m glad someone read all that, I didn’t think anyone was going to answer haha
Thank you for this. I tried going to the park today to clear my thoughts, and I felt in peace being there for a sec. I really like going there, even though my country is not that safe to be out, being around other kids it made me feel safe. I might keep doing this.
Also I didn’t like the idea of having a diary before, even as a kid I found it useless but I’m probably going to try it for the first time. Sometimes is good to write and let go all these thoughts and feelings
I love reading! I do it when I’m bored. Watching my fav or new shows, playing games and learning things distracts and entertains me too, so this is what always takes me out of that state of mind!
Meditation is kinda taboo to me, but it will be interesting to try it and who knows, maybe it will help me
Really, thank you for this. I might get little by little better over time.

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