Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I grew up without a father who I thought hated me at the time and completely abandoned me. this left me with just my mom who is incredibly manipulative and very emotionally abusive. eventually down the line she wound up marring a guy who was even worse. He was all three forms of an abuser: emotional, physical, and mental. I took all the heat from both of them even for stuff that I hadn’t done because I didn’t want either of my two sisters to get hurt. I still struggle with the pstsd from afterwards and I’ve only told two people ab the situation as a whole. I have nightmares weekly where I wake up fully expecting to get hit. when i was finally 18 I got out of the house because my sister did too, and I couldn’t physically take the abuse anymore. I was raised by not only these parents but by an abusive church, which I also detached myself from. I was never allowed to be in a relationship, so I also did that first thing. this girl who I poured everything into didn’t give a single ounce of effort back and wound up becoming extremely manipulative and decided to cheat on me. during the time we were together she made me push away all of my friends so I would spend time with her and only her. I realized the situation and pulled myself out, but now I have nobody anymore. I was able to reconnect with my father recently and restore a relationship with him because apparently, he wanted one all along. and Hes done a lot to try and prove that to me. but now I am broke, broken, and all alone without anyone to go to with my issues that I’m facing that I can trust. and even when I did, I just pushed it down because I was either too scared of what my stepdad would do or what people would think if I was weak or an idiot. I just don’t know what to do or where to go or who to trust anymore. My depression is off the rails and my anxiety and pstsd is at an all-time high. I wish I could tell or show my mom and stepdad that I’m not the failure that they always told me I was but that’s exactly what I’ve turned into. I don’t even have money to play for therapy or else i would. so, I just sit in my bed and replay over and over again. I just needed to let some of this out.