I cant tell if my dad loves me or hates me - it all looks the same. I hate having any meal of the day with my family (when my dads there) because that means I’m the center of discussion. I have to constantly hear from my own father that I am stupid, dumb, an idiot, ugly and am never going to amount to anything. He doesn’t see the harm in saying all these things and even though I don’t react to them at all, afterwards I go cry in my room. It’s the worst feeling having to hear your father name all the flaws you have and if that wasn’t enough he has no acknowledgment that these things would get to me emotionally. He never takes me seriously and what ever conversation I try to have with him, he takes it upon himself everytime to remind me that I am stupid and ugly and what I am saying is wrong.
He keeps on calling me ‘mean’ because I don’t like talking to him or put any effort in doing so. When he comes to my room to talk to me about my day - the conversations are short, uncomfortable and done half-heartedly. He thinks im mean for not wanting to talk to him but he doesn’t realise its because he has never made me feel like he’s someone I can talk to easily. He is a difficult person. He always makes jokes about the way I look or about the decisions i make. He thinks im plain stupid and still a child. A few days ago, I woke up and went to the kitchen to get some breakfast and he made some unnecessary unkind joke to me - not exactly the first thing I want to hear. I released a big sign and that day I shut myself in the room and didn’t eat breakfast. Then he knocked on my door telling me to eat but i was crying and did not want to face him at all. After that day I have been distant and cold-hearted towards him. Shutting his conversations with one word replies and he even said to me that I know you just don’t want to talk to me thats why you are not responding to my questions/talk properly. I said nothing and he left. I don’t know what to do.
My inner self wants to tell him WHY im like this, how I feel discouraged by him all the time but I’m scared he’s going to laugh at me, not take me seriously or lash out like he has in the past. It’s never been easy…I want to gather the courage and be in the right state of mind to first talk about my dad’s behaviour towards me to my mother first - because I think she will understand…I don’t know how tho…I hate being vulnerable or crying in front of my parents.
Hi… there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in front of your parents. I know it is hard and that it takes a lot of courage to do so but in the long run, this will help you. Once you tell your father about what is bothering you, at least you won’t feel “what if I had told him” even if he doesn’t respond properly. Talk to him, tell him for your own sake. To make yourself feel better and content that you did everything you could do and you tried to explain them what is bothering you. Maybe they have no idea that these jokes hurt you a lot. But, please try to explain them in a calm manner without getting angry, You’ll be able to explain in a better manner then. I also do this, I discuss with my mother first and then my father because I feel she will understand better. BUT sometimes my dad surprises me by being more understanding than my mother. He understands better. SO, do give them a chance to understand what you’re feeling. good luck!