Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

For years I have dealt with demons in my head. Time and time again I have fought back just to have them come back stronger than before. I have tried getting help and have reached out to others and the response I always get is “it’s gonna be alright,” but I don’t want just alright anymore. I constantly try to drown the voices in my head with music, drugs, or just sleeping but they still find a way to seep through. I’ve tried self-care and the find a hobby but even then I am still left alone with my thoughts.

A couple of years ago I decided I would live instead just to spite the demons in my head but now I am just tired. Every day I force myself to get up and put a smile on my face to make everything seem okay even when I know it’s not.

When the thoughts become too much sometimes I explode and everything pours out I’ll be on the phone with a friend just for them to say “it’s okay” and change conversations or talking to my dad to have him tell me these are cowardly feelings. I’ve reached a point where I feel satisfied with where I am at I have done the things I have wanted to do and now I feel like it is my time to go.

But… fucking but, what about those people that disregard my feelings I have no resentment towards them, I understand why they handle it the way they do, I mean what else can you do besides saying “it’s gonna be alright.” I can’t bear the thought of living anymore but I also can’t bear the thought of them possibly blaming themselves.

What do I do instead? The answer is simple I self-destruct until the universe takes me itself. Let me drive 120 down I-95 with bald tires at 2 am when no one else is around, let me drink and drive to feel something besides this nothingness I feel, let me take that extra dose I know I shouldn’t take, let me be shitty at work so I lose my job and have even more reason to end my life. I’m getting tired everything is hurting I just want it to go away.