Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Everything was great. We were practically in a relationship but without the title. But something in his head is holding him back from me. He was just out of reach from being fully mine. And whatever it is that is holding him back from me has finally taken over and he told me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I’m mad, I’m sad, I miss him so much, I feel pathetic, I have cried every day so far because my heart just hurts. I wish he didn’t give up so easily. He wants to be friends, but I need time. He tried to act as nothing has happened, and this is the first guy that I have opened up to and started liking before. I’ve hooked up with guys before, but never have I felt like this with a guy before. Yes, we kissed and messed around a little but we never had sex, and that in my eyes meant so much to me. That it wasn’t just about the physical attraction. And he wants to act as nothing happened more than friendship. It makes me question how much he actually liked me more than a friend. At first, I said okay and that I was fine, but then I got mad and after two days of living through the hurt I got mad. I sent him a long paragraph calling him out on his bullshit and how I didn’t expect him to be at 100% in his life and how I was perfectly fine with the way he was and I didn’t expect anything more out of him and how I questioned how much he actually liked me because one day before he told me this he was telling me how he missed me and liked me etc. and a bunch of other stuff. I didn’t send that to him to make him feel upset but I needed him to know that I was hurt and what he did was not okay and I can’t just pretend to be pals the next day. I wish I could go back a week ago to when everything was good between us and he was happy. I miss him soo much but I don’t know where his head is at. He has yet responded to my text, he says he’s trying to think about how to respond so I am not upset with the lack of response because at least he is thinking about it all. But I am still trying to fill the gap in my heart that he just created. It was only 2 months but it was the best 2 months of my life. I felt terrified yet alive.