People often use the term “insecure” when it comes to relationships. They mostly use the word insecure to describe a person who is doubtful, sceptical, doesn’t trust themselves or their partner in a relationship, lacks confidence, and has inner conflicts with themselves and their relationship.
However, there is a deeper meaning to these insecurities. They always stem from some kind of attachment style , behavioural pattern, or learned behaviour.
But why do they come between our relationships? Let’s talk in-depth about insecurity in a relationship.
Why do we feel Insecure in a Relationship?
Relationships are like a mirror; they are a reflection of our personalities and give us deep insights into our flaws and insecurities. Feeling insecure in a relationship is very common, and this doesn’t happen only in romantic relationships but might also come between your friendships and other personal relationships.
However, this insecurity mostly occurs in romantic relationships, and the reason mostly comes from your childhood conflicts, abandonment issues, feeling of neglection, feeling you are not good enough, and having had toxic or unhealthy relationships in the past.
All these causes can lead to major insecurity in a relationship. Here are some signs of how insecurity looks in a relationship.
10 Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship
Feeling insecure in a relationship is very common. However, it is important to look into it rather than avoid or run away from it. If you seriously wish to tackle your insecurities or help your partner out with theirs, here are some signs to look out for:
Fear of losing your partner
One of the most common insecurities a lot of couples face is the fear of losing their partner. A person with this insecurity is always looking for signs where they doubt their relationship or question if the other person even loves them, is attracted to them, enjoys their company, or just wants to leave them. People with this insecurity often tend to avoid any kind of fight or conflict with their partner because of the fear that they will leave them.
If you see this in yourself or your partner, it is better to talk about it and understand the root cause of this issue before it turns into something major. You can even try relationship counseling to understand this trigger properly.
Constantly seeking reassurance
One of the other common signs of insecurity is constantly seeking reassurance from your partner. When a person is not secure and always doubts their partner's love for them, they often think about things like, “Did I make them mad?”, “Do they love me?”, or “Will they leave me for saying anything?”.
Constantly looking for compliments, approval, validation, or affection is a sign to talk to your partner and help them through this struggle.
When you do not feel secure in your relationship, it might affect the foundation of your relationship as well. Having trust issues wherein you feel that your partner might leave you for somebody else, chronic jealousy, checking their whereabouts, and constantly doubting their intentions might hinder your relationship.
It is better to talk about this with your partner so that you can understand your projection mechanism and work on it properly with them.
People who do not feel secure in their relationships will showcase controlling behaviour in their relationships and even in their personal lives as they feel better and more secure knowing what is about to happen.
Controlling behaviour can take the form of disrespecting your partner’s boundaries, constantly asking about their whereabouts, guilt-tripping them into something, and telling them what to do and what not to do.
It is better to tell your partner about these insecurities before they hinder your relationship, or even seek relationship counseling to understand the root cause of this issue.
Taking things personally
When a person feels insecure in relationship, they might take things too personally, even though they do not mean anything. Insecure people often misinterpret their partner’s comments or opinions and take them upon themselves. For example: If they cancel dinner on you, you might start thinking they do not want to prioritize you when, in reality, they might have an important work deadline to meet.
It is important to talk this out with your partner and be radically honest with them before this insecurity takes over your relationship.
Doubting your partner’s loyalty
When a person feels insecure in relationship, even though their partner has given them no signs of feeling that way, it might be coming from a previous relationship. So if you or your partner do doubt you, they might show that by constantly asking you where you are or where you are going, doubting your every move, and looking for a sign to catch you off guard.
This can make the other person feel threatened, so it is important that you share these feelings with your partner so they can help you let go of these unhealthy patterns.
Struggling with intimacy
Intimacy in any relationship is absolutely beautiful. However, people with insecure thoughts and patterns find it hard to form any kind of emotional or physical intimacy with their partner because of their past relationships or attachment styles.
If you feel you wish to be close to your partner, but your thoughts and body say otherwise, it is important to be vocal with them about it. Let them know how you actually feel and ask for help so it doesn’t hinder your mental and emotional well-being after a certain point.
When you go through feeling insecure in a relationship, random conversations can often lead to major fights. Any joke or conversation can set the insecure person off, as you do not know what might trigger what emotion inside them.
So it is important to tell your partner about these intricate details so they can help you tackle this pattern effectively and without harming the relationship.
Always deferring to the other person
Another common sign of insecurity in a relationship is always looking after the needs of your partner while neglecting your own. An insecure person might keep doing what their partner likes to do without giving in to their opinion or thoughts while ignoring their own. A person who is insecure usually does this to placate their partner and avoid picking fights or getting into unnecessary conflicts.
If you or your partner do this, it is important to talk about it before it turns into something major.
Jealousy and negativity
Unwanted feelings of jealousy and negativity can easily consume an insecure person. Their negative thoughts keep feeding them lies, and the present picture becomes blurred for them. They might ask you about your whereabouts and doubt you if they see you with the opposite gender. This can easily turn into possessiveness, so it is very important to tell your partner how you feel and work on these issues from the very root.
How to Overcome Insecurities in a Relationship
If you want to tackle these insecurities through a healthy medium, here are some ways to overcome insecurities in a relationship:
Get to the root cause
If you wish to understand your relationship insecurities and the reasons behind them, sit with yourself and introspect them. It is extremely important to know the cause of your insecurities before tackling them. There might be different reasons; some might come from your past relationships, and some might come from childhood conflicts.
Whatever the reason may be, ask yourself — how can you tackle them? Is it something that your current relationship deserves? Talk to your close ones, especially your partner, so that they are familiar with your patterns and are able to help you in whatever way they can.
Look for signs of security in your relationship
If you wish to tackle your relationship insecurities in an effective way, it has to be done with conscious effort. While your doubtful side may warn you or make you question everything about your relationship, you have to look into it consciously and see if there are any signs of security or not.
Ask yourself objective questions, like, Would you ever suggest the current relationship to your best friend? Or would you be okay with your best friend having the traits of your current partner? This way, you are able to remove the biases and see if you are actually in a healthy relationship or not.
Speak to your partner
The most crucial thing to do to help yourself out of your insecurities is to talk to your partner. Be radically honest with yourself and your partner so that even they understand your situation and are able to help you better.
It can be difficult to confront your partner or let them in on everything, especially when you are going through major trust issues. You can try telling them things in bits and pieces to see if they understand you and are able to help you in any way.
How can Relationship Counseling from Now&Me help deal with insecurities in a relationship?
Our platform, Now&Me, is a safe place that helps you feel light by writing out whatever is weighing you down and gives insights into dealing with insecurities in a relationship. It gives you a platform to engage with others and makes you look at things from a different perspective about yourself and your relationship. Become a part of the larger community and understand your insecurities with the help of relationship counseling .
When you do not know how to get to the bottom of your relationship insecurities, sign up on Now&Me and seek online counseling for it. Be a part of a non-judgmental, inclusive, and friendly community . A platform made for you to readily ask for help and let our therapists help you understand the root cause of your issues and make you aware of how to effectively tackle them.
Invest in your mental health and download Now&Me app for free!
In an emotionally secure relationship, you feel your partner understands you and your passions, desires, hopes, dreams, and fears. They help you navigate through any life difficulties by providing abundant love and care.
A certain amount of insecurity in any relationship is good and healthy, as that makes you work hard for your relationship and is a sign that you are only human. However, if you have a lot of relationship insecurities that might weigh the other person down, it is better to communicate this to them to see if they are ready to carry that weight along with you. It is okay to date if you are insecure, as long as you are working on those insecurities and are on the same page with your partner.
Building trust in your relationship while you have insecurities can be difficult, and it is definitely not an easy road. However, if you acknowledge the issue, talk with your partner, and work on yourself, slowly and steadily you can become good at dealing with insecurities in a relationship and build trust in your relationship.
It is extremely important to have boundaries in any relationship. When it comes to overcoming your insecurities in a relationship, you should let your partner know everything, yet maintain a boundary where they do not have to suffer or look after you all day long. There should not be any kind of unhealthy dependency, as that can lead to a relationship turning toxic and harmful.