Now&Me @nowandme
Ask Me Anything with Tanvi Jajoria on August 9, 2020
@tanvijajoria97 is a Psychologist in training, who is currently pursuing her Master’s in Applied Clinical Psychology. She is also the Founder of ‘The Artsy Cure’ - an initiative working towards building conversations about mental health with a practical approach and how expressive arts can be a way to introspect, reflect and heal oneself. She is an artist, too.
Feel free to take her opinion and advice on mental well-being, wellness, health, and art that has been bothering you. It is an open discussion!
You can post your questions below by August 8, 2020 (Saturday).
@tanvijajoria97 would be answering them right here on this thread on August 9, 2020 (Sunday).
Asking questions shows strength, not weakness.
🧡 Ask away and stay informed! 🧡
Hello, I’m going to summarize what happened so I can get to the point and not take an hour explaining my situation. Ok, so I have a boyfriend who left my hometown due to financial issues and went to live with his mom in North Dakota. Ever since then we have been drifting apart and he had been talking to me less and less. While there were moments where we talked for a long time it was rare. One day he told me that he just wanted us to be friends because long distance relationships don’t work out because the distance. I agreed and also agreed that we could patch things up in the next year when he came back. I ended up finding out that he had recently got a girlfriend at his job and they started living together. This destroyed me. This was my first relationship ever and I tried to stay calm and collected but I couldn’t. I broke down in tears and started to message him many things. Some were about him being a liar, others trying to understand why he didn’t love me anymore, and others talking about how he was still a good person and that I forgave him. Really all over the place. He is a really nice guy and I truly do forgive him for what he did but I just feel awful. Him and his girlfriend are having the times of their lives while I wallow in pain at the thought. I’m not in the state of wanting to hurt myself, I just feel angered and depressed. There is a hole in my heart now and I’m trying to get through it somehow. I just want to talk about it. I want to get it out of my mind. I want someone who can just listen to what I have to say. It’s just so hard to deal with these feelings but I do feel much of the weight being taken off my shoulders just talking about it here.
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hello!
I hope you felt a little better after sharing your feelings here. I understand that this situation has had an emotional impact on you. There are certain things which are not really in our control, but one thing that we can control is how we respond to the situation. All the feelings that you’re experiencing are a normal reaction to such a hard situation. Give yourself time to feel these emotions. Grieving over any kind of loss is a part of healing through it. Tell yourself that its okay to feel this way and that you will get better.
If you think that you feel better when you share your feelings with someone, look out for a reliable support system. Sharing and expressing your feelings can help you deal with those emotions better. It gives you a different perspective when you express yourself either by talking, writing, painting etc. This Support system could comprise of your friend, family member, colleague or a mental health professional.
Don’t be too harsh on yourself for feeling a certain way. Give yourself time, share how you feel and seek help! Take care!
How to love myself…i tried but just after few days again i would be hating myself…its so hard
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hello!
Thank you for sharing that. I would like you to think about this. What was it that you loved about yourself a few days ago? And what is it that is stopping you from loving yourself now?
We, as human, are conditioned to love ourselves very conditionally. We analyse ourselves as per the norms formed by the people around us. And if we don’t fall in those norms, we don’t like ourselves. What is that norm that is stopping you from loving yourself. Is that greater than your own self?
Think about things that you actually like about yourself, and even if there are some you don’t like, think- is there a need to change this? If YOU feel that yes I want to improve, think about how you can do it. And there will be some aspects that you just can’t control. Accept yourself as you are. Accepting yourself in your true sense is the first step to self love.
Think. Accept. And seek help if needed. Take care!
Can you help
I feel tired and very sensitive. I feel lonely. Even with the slightest arguments, I feel like dying. No one loves me. I feel like my family is forced to love me because I am their daughter. They do care about me but I don’t feel satisfied. When I think about it, nothing actually happened. But I can’t stop crying. My chest hurts. I feel insecure. I want to die. I feel like I am nothing but a burden to those around me. I am feeling guilty. I want someone to hold me. I want to feel their warmth. My fingers are shaking. If I am not their daughter, then I am sure they would hate me. They would feel disgusted. My mom got covid +ve. So I can’t even go hug her. I am going to get tested tomorrow with my family just in case. I want to get tested positive so that I can hug her. Then I want to die as a patient. Because me committing suicide would burden them even more. I don’t like this world. In fact I hate it. Because people around me don’t like me without a particular reason. I don’t understand. Why do they hate me so much? I haven’t done anything to them which could harm them. Then why? I feel cold. I thought getting addicted to fun things would make me forget the fact that I am alone. But that is not working anymore. By getting addicted to those things, I even disappointed my family. I feel like I am losing my reasoning. The common harsh words from dad and brother are piercing me now. I feel like they are right. I am waste, useless, pain in the ass, crazy and what not? Will I ever find a person who loves me for who I am? Will they let me feel their warmth? Will they let me hug them without feeling disgusted? Will they treat me like a special person? Will I be able bear all this pain till then? I am scared. Even though I am smiling and acting strong on the outside, I feel weak and vulnerable. I am getting all kinds scary and negative thoughts. In all of my recent imaginative stories, I always end up dying miserably without getting any love.
Do you know what I am supposed to do when I am feeling like this?
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hey! I can understand the pain that you’re going through. Its not easy to experience and manage such strong emotions. But I would like you to think about this in a different way, if possible. As hard it can be to see people behave a certain way around you and with you, ask yourself, how do you treat yourself as a person? Loving and respecting yourself first, is what forms the foundation of any of your relationships. If you ever find yourself perceiving yourself as a burden to others, what gives rise to that thought? Is it actually true? If you feel that people love you only when they need something, do you think this is a reflection of the type of person you are, or its the other way round?
Having said all of that. Reflecting and determining who are you and how you perceive yourself, can have a lot of impact on how people perceive you. But that might not be an easy processs to follow. I would suggest you to seek Professional help in order to manage this emotional turmoil better which will definitely help you in the long run.
You are not a burden. You are loved. Its all about perception and the moment you start loving yourself, and the way you are, you’ll see the difference.
Take care! :)
I don’t like myself. I always do useless things like getting myself addicted and don’t do my job properly. So is that why they hate me too? Despite knowing this, I am unable to change myself. What to do? There are too mes inside fighting and the bad one always wins. Even though my conscience tells me that its wrong but I still can’t change it! And I don’t think I can consult a professional about this because my parents would definitely think i am overacting and it will get better if i do things right. But anyways thank you. I came to an understanding why people around me hate me so much. Thanks a lot. I will definitely work on this
Girish @girish
Hello ma’am, about me I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 12. Now I’m 29. The medications are still going on. 5 years back anxiety disorder got triggered and that is also something I’m trying to get control on. Often I end up in depressive moods and panic attacks are something that’s bothering more especially in social and work situations. I have seen some therapists in all these years. I have had sessions on cbt some NLP techniques deep muscle relaxation but still struggling. Even tried some hypnotherapy to go back and find the root cause of my issues. Though it helped to find the root cause of my anxiety trigger but depression trigger is still a mystery. Can have some advice/guidance for my case please?
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hey!
Given the long years of the illness and the fact that you’ve explored different types of therapies, I would suggest you to go for Expressive Arts Based Therapy.
It is a form of therapy which uses different art forms to explore the sub conscious mind of the person. And you don’t need to be ‘good’ at any art form for that. Its for everyone.
Hope this helps you.
There is an emptiness in me which feels like it can never be removed. I feel like i cant be comforted. I dont even know the reason why i feel this way. The emptiness is killing me. Am i depressed or something? I dont think i am though.
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hello
This must have been hard for you. Thank you for sharing this with me.
If you’ve been feeling this way since a long time, I would suggest you to seek Professional help at the earliest. It need not be depression, but sometimes strong emotions like these need to be worked upon before it impacts your life even more.
sometimes i feel too sad but i dont know why. i think to write what i am feeling but no words i get… as of now i am tearing and theres lots to speak about but dont know what to ask…
how can i say this is all normal?
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hello
That is surely a difficult situation where we are feeling a certain way, but can’t put those feelings in words at the same time. But what if we choose a different way to express ourselves? If not words and writing, you can try indulging in different art based activities, try making art journals based on what you’re feeling.
When you make art, your sub conscious mind automatically projects your hidden emotions and experiences.
This might help you to certain extent. You can also explore Expressive Arts Based Therapy which will help you explore the underlying causes through various forms of art. You need not be good at any art form to do that.
Hope this helps you.
Hii… I’m going to summerize what happened so can i get to the point and u could give me better solution. So i am a girl who belongs to a simple joint family. I have 2brothers cum devils. The elder one has drinking problem he always drinks and abuse me my parents also brutally hits me… Always comment on me that “Tu chmar se sadi kregi bhag jaegi jha jaegi aag lgaegi etc”. And the another one tried to molest me. But my parents do nothing for their prestige. And ghr ki santi. I tried to commit sucide bt fail. I am preparing for government exam for 3 years bt didn’t pass a single exam. I feel very depressed. My parents want to get me marry but o don’t want to marry . Also I dont want to stay I this house with those rascals. What should I do
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hello!
Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m sure this must a really hard situation to handle, both emotionally and socially.
There are certain external situations that we can’t control, but there is always something that we can do to make our lives a little better. First of all, I would suggest you to make a reliable support system for yourself, for your personal safety and to make a safe space for yourself to share how you’re feeling. This support system could comprise of your friends, or colleagues and be in contact with them.
Second, managing suicidal thoughts needs some professional help. You can take certain steps on personal level, but I would strongly suggest you to seek professional help. This would not only help you manage your emotions in the present but will also help you in the long run. If there’s lack of family support for that, try and reach out to someone who would help you through this. There are certain services available at less charges or free of cost. There are resources that would help you.
Hope this helps you. Take care.
Hi there. Please give an advise on what shall I do with regards to my husband. I file a case against him bcoz of domestic violence. Physical abuse, mental abuse and emotional abuse. But for him its not important so he’s not alarmed. I already left him after his last attack. But since it’s pandemic I’m worrying of what might gonna happen. Is there a possibility that i might loose?
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hello!
Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m sure it must be really hard for you to experience all the violence. But I’m glad that now you’re in a safer place.
Talking about him not being alarmed, I think if we look at it practically, how he reacts to the situation doesn’t determine the outcome. If you’ve filed a case against him, first of all, praise yourself for taking a strong step against the wrong that was happening, and assure yourself that justice will be served, irrespective of how he reacts.
Pandemic sure has made things uncertain. But do not lose hope, and stay safe.
Hope this helps you. Take care.
Anandi @anandi09
Hi Tanvi, what would you suggest as a favourable way to channelise any negative thoughts/energy with the help of any form of art?
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
Hello!
There are a lot of specific techniques that are followed when it comes to exploring our ‘negative’ emotions.
In my view, emotions are not negative or positive, but a reflection of our own experiences. If we’re a certain way, its mostly because we have certain experiences that are giving rise to these emotions. And in order to channelise those ‘negative’ emotions, we need to understand those underlying experiences. Activities like art journaling or free hand doodling, if done while you’re experiencing those emotions, may help you project those sub conscious experiences. Once you know the ‘why’ of the condition, you can work on the ‘how’ better. This process is not as simple as it may seem, but can surely be of help if done regularly, and even better if done under professional supervision.
Hope this helps you. Take care.
1. How can one set boundaries when people keep violating them? I know I can’t change people, or force them to respect my boundaries. But I need to know how I can regulate myself during the situation when a person violates my boundaries.
2. What is your take on mental health of the lgbtq+ community?
3. What does it take to be a mental health advocate?
Tanvi Jajoria @tanvijajori...
1. Hi. I agree that’s a tough situation at times and can get you puzzled too. The key to set boundaries and make people respect those boundaries is ASSERTIVENESS. How assertive are you when you talk about your boundaries? How flexible do you get when people violate them? Until and unless you respect your own personal space, and boundaries, people may not respect them too. So if you find yourself next time in a similar situation, BE ASSERTIVE and clearly state what you want in that moment. When the expectation is clearly stated, chances of the boundaries not being respected may reduce.
2. Talking about the LGBTQ+ community mental health, I feel glad that a lot of dialogue and awareness has started in this significant area. There’s a long way to go. Given the struggles people from the LGBTQ+ Community face at present times, we as mental health Professionals need to be more mindful of what kind of practice we indulge into when it comes to working on the mental health issues faced by the LGBTQ+ community.
3. Mental health is a highly ‘trending’ topic these days, but along with that its one if the most sensitive issues and profession. In order to advocate for a cause like Mental health, a lot of patience is needed. Like any other profession, it comes with a lot of challenges- socially, emotionally, and economically as well. But above all that is the responsibility that you hold. Everything that you do or say, is impacting someone’s life, and therefore being mindful of your actions and words is very important. It does take a toll on the professional’s mental health as well, but we need to learn to maintain that balance as a skill, in order to sustain this role as a professional and as a concerned fellow human being.
mam i m always worried about my past. i had a worst past i can say due to my immatureness. at the age of 15 i had a boyfriend. he has taken some of pictures of us together. but then after 2 months my mom get to know about us. after 5 months he died in an accident. but mam his one frnd sometimes say that he has those private photos of us. three years are over but still this thought never allow me to focus on my work. after that i have understand that no one is ours except our parents. i m mature now and also keep distance from boys. but that thought still give me nightmares that what if he had really our photos or he has been posted them somewhere . i know its just a kind of veham i can say. but mam plzzzz help me to come out of this type of thoughts so that i can focus on my future and can live a peaceful life. i will be very thankful to you
Hey so I just want to share a certain thing it’s between me and my mother.
I really did like her but now! Idk
It’s just she is against what I want to do and is so selfish that she does what she likes for us.
I am in 11th grade now and after finishing 10th I thought I would take the science stream because I like it.
But I still didn’t know what to do after that. My mother wants me to become a doctor but I just don’t want to be one I really don’t know why. Now during lock down I researched looked into career guidance and all that and finally got really interested into the company secretary course with law llb. But when I told my mother about this she wasn’t even willing to listen it just made me really worried. She dissaproved my interests and what I needed. Next worst thing she did is got my admission in a neet entrance coaching place without me accepting!!. I had to join the classes online because she was really rude broke all the glasses and all that whenever we had this talk and I was scared to open up to her. My mother is very rude and doesn’t understand me and me being a teen can’t open up to her. Finally now things are going as per her wish . So as I wanted to do CS I thought of taking commerce just to make my career path better at that last moment but still I figured that out. Now it’s her life that I am living doing bio maths and going for entrance coaching.
I needed to open and speak about this.
I never thought I would say this but right now I don’t have the same love for my mother that I used to have now she is only my biological mother and just someone at home no deep feelings.
hey why dont you talk to your father regarding this… and as your mother is forcing you to be a doctor i dont think u can do anything without interest. you should say that mumma i m not interested in this field and even then if she doesn’t understand no need to worry u can do llb even after 12th medical or non medical. just keep calm. god bless you and keep trying its possible that she understands you some day. keep faith in god
