Ask Me Anything with Niyati Sharma on July 31, 2020
@niyati is the Founder and Executive Director of Pratisandhi Foundation, a youth-led non-profit organisation dedicated to the sexual health and education of Indian adolescents and youth. She holds an International Certificate of Knowledge in Sexual and Reproductive Healthcare by the Faculty of Sexual and Reproductive Healthcare (FSRH) of the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists along with being a certified sexuality educator by TARSHI.
Feel free to take her opinion and advice on mental well-being and sex owing to the pandemic that has been bothering you. It is an open discussion!
You can post your questions below by July 30, 2020 (Thursday).
@niyati would be answering them right here on this thread on July 31, 2020 (Friday)
Asking questions shows strength, not weakness.
🧡 Ask away and stay informed! 🧡
How can we ensure that womxn are mentally relaxed before they have sex for the first time? Because I have realised that the emotional and mental status of womxn really matters when they have sex, more so, for the first time.
Niyati Sharma @niyati
You are absolutely right, being mentally relaxed can have a huge impact on your sexual experiences, specially for womxn. Very often we underestimate the value of feeling comfortable and present in the moment not just during intercourse, but any kind of sexual activity.
Here are a few things you can do, or try to inculcate:
1. Try to find your own pace and comfort level and then communicate it with your partner(s)
Before indulging in any kind of sexual activity, you need to introspect a little and make sure that this is something that YOU want and aren’t doing it because you feel pressurised or obligated. It is important that you are one defining your own values and sexual boundaries.
Once you have figured this out, it is key that you communicate with your partner(s). If your partner(s) don’t know what makes you uncomfortable, they won’t be able to accommodate your needs which can be stressful when in the moment.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have a serious “we need to talk” conversation (which you totally can by the way) but it could also just take the form of “Hey, would you mind if we tried x?” or “I think if we did it this way instead of that it would be more fun” or “can we hold off on trying y until I am more comfortable” - communication doesn’t have to be a turnoff and there’s tons of ways to explore what you want while also prioritising your own pleasure.
2. F O R E P L A Y
In my opinion, we tend to treat foreplay like it isn’t important but it can make a lot of difference for a womxn. As you may know, when you are aroused the bartholin glands present inside your vagina self lubricate. The wetness in turn makes penetration easier. Foreplay can increase arousal and hasten this self-lubrication process making sex all the more pleasurable. It also plays a role in getting both partners in the mood and more comfortable before any kind of penetration occurs. Taking it slow will help you feel more in control of yourself and more at ease.
3. Try to reduce stressors
Based on my experiences with some people we have worked with, there tends to be a lot of stress that is external to the individual. This could include being worried that someone will find out, or your parents will barge into the room, or even a pending assignment that you haven’t gotten to. Depending on your situation, do what you can to reduce these external stressors because they tend to make us worry and overthink during sexual activity which is distracting, takes you away from being present, and is certainly not good for mental relaxation.
These are more general things you can try to focus on if you find yourself worried during sexual activity. It is helpful to look within and locate the source of what is stopping you from feeling relaxed. Most often we aren’t as worried about sex as we are about other things.
Hope that helps!
I am a 23 year old Indian girl. Recently got out of a toxic relationship and I am really sexually turned on at night I always end up masturbuting twice sometimes thrice in a night. How can I control that sexual energy? Also one strange thing I have noticed is that my monthly cycle is almost 40-45 days since a few months now and I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Is this normal?
Niyati Sharma @niyati
The first thing I want to note is that it is completely alright to experience a surge in your sex drive. There is no right or wrong, and no real limit on what is “normal” or “too much” masturbation. Regardless, if you feel like this sexual energy is getting in the way of your day to day life (e.g. it is becoming hard to control sexual urges when you are going about everyday work or in public spaces) then it may be worth speaking to a professional about. From the sound of it, it doesn’t seem to me like it is out of control.
The easiest way to release pent up sexual energy is masturbation and can also help you learn so much more about yourself and your body. If you want to wean off it then other forms of physical activity like exercising or even walks during the day can help. I don’t recommend trying to control your sexual desire unless you really really feel a need to and instead using it to understand that side of you better and embracing it. At the end of the day, it is about what you are comfortable with.
As for the second part of your question, a typical menstrual cycle is about 28 days (+/- 7 days) and so if you have noticed a recent shift in your cycle to 40-45 days (which is quite significantly diverting from the norm) then there may be an underlying cause for it. There is only so much I can say without more information but it isn’t necessarily a reason to worry. Menstrual cycles are impacted by stress, mental-wellbeing, lifestyle, eating habits, and so much more. A lot of these factors have been impacted due to COVID for many. It might also be an indicator of a menstrual disorder like PCOS.
I would recommend consulting a gynaecologist regarding this at the earliest so that based on your medical history and recent life changes it can be determined whether this is something that requires medical intervention.
Hope this helps!
Hey Niyati, Thanks a lot for replying back to me. It did made things clear for me.
nag reddy @nredddy9
I agree with this
I turned 18 recently. And talking about my sex life is something I really need to look at right now. I am not all interested in having sex, any kind of sex. But I do mastrubate sometimes. I have the feeling of romance in me surely but making love is something that really scares me sometimes. The thought of going intimate with my boyfriend doesn’t comfort me at all. Lossing the interest in having sex is completely different from being scared of having sex. Yes I am totally a freak in that I agree. Like there are some disturbing instances in past for me being like this. But I am not sure they are the cause or not. And when I mentioned this to my boyfriend he was terrified too and few days later I went through the phase of heartbreak too. Soo I am feeling like lost right now and worried about not only my sex life but also about my future relationships too.
Niyati Sharma @niyati
I think the first thing to clarify is the distinction between romantic and sexual attraction. Romantic attraction has to do with being emotionally attracted to someone whereas sexual attraction is concerned with the desire to engage in sexual activity. You can be both sexually and romantically attracted to someone, only sexually attracted, only romantically attracted, or experience no attraction at all. You might even feel more or less sexually attracted in comparison with romantic attraction or vice versa. All variations are normal and valid.
If you are not yet comfortable with the idea of being sexually intimate with someone for whatever reason, fear or negative past experiences, don’t push yourself. It DOES NOT make you a freak in any way. Some things can be hard to discuss with partner(s) but communicating our inner fears and concerns with our partner(s) can be cathartic and also ensure that you move forward at a pace that you are comfortable and ready for.
You may find yourself feeling ready for sex with someone who makes you feel comfortable, or you may even never feel like you want to have sex. Both are completely okay. Please do not pressurise yourself to engage in anything you are not sure about. Take it slow.
We also tend to feel very pressured about having an active sex life when it can seem like everyone around us is doing it. Navigating this feels challenging and can also make us feel like something is wrong with us. You feelings are completely valid but please remember, our insecurities don’t define us whether they are about sex or something else. Having sex is not a race, it is something you should do for your own pleasure and happiness.
Hope this helps!
Hello ma’am I need ur advice. Can I connect with u in Instagram.
It’s about depression
nag reddy @nredddy9
I am happy to help you