12th Jan 2020
Hey, so I am currently a high school student suffering from a load of pressure, as with A-levels coming up, it feels like the world has its eyes on me, everyone has different expectations for you, and I am scared of not being able to live up to the expectations with befall on me. I understand that this is a stage everyone goes through, but am suffering from anxiety and depressive symptoms. So, wrote the thing below to vent. Please do take the time to read it, as it would mean the world to me, and please leave comments on whether you personally or someone you know also has a problem like mine, as I want to find different ways to cope.
The solution to a problem will always be accepting that there is one, then working towards fixing it, whether it be step by step, leap by leap, or being guided all throughout the process. - J
What is life? What is the purpose of life? To succeed? To love? To develop as a person in mind, body and soul? These are the questions I keep asking myself every minute of the day. Will I be happy if I manage to be successful, find love and be rich? I think not. There has to be a deeper meaning to it all, to life, to love, to happiness. There has to be a reason I was born, do I have a purpose to fulfil? A role to play? Or am I just another chess piece, restricted by my shape, size, ethnicity, while waiting for it all to end, for the sweet nothingness when death comes to take me. Will I be able to be to live up to the expectations of everyone around me, become something I’m not, do things I’ve only ever dreamed of doing, or will I take the wheel and steer my fate with my own hands, and not let all the misfortune and mishappens weigh me down, let the world define who I am. No. To that, I say “fuck you world, and everything that is expected of me, I am who I am, and if you’re not happy with that, fuck you too. And to fear, fuck you too. Tomorrow you could be walking home from work or school, and a bus could hit you, ending it all”.Death. A state of nothingness, the eternal sleep, or the everlasting winter as mentioned by some. Oh, the sweet nothingness, how nice it must be, no not have worries, problems or expectations to weigh you down under the immense pressure, and slowly crush every single bone in your body, while mutilating your soul, so even in death, there won’t be peace. Oh how I long for that state of nothingness, the eternal sleep, the everlasting winter or whatever it may be, how nice it must be to not have a care in the world, to have no regrets and awkward situations. But what if death is only the starting line to life, as with death comes life, and with life comes death. As to live, one must die to be born again in body, mind and soul. What if the universe was made for you, but you just don’t know it, as though the process of dying and living, one gains experiences, and when the time comes, one will understand it all, and become another entity as a whole - “GOD”.“GOD”. An omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent being who made the universe and all life as we know it, who sacrificed his only son Jesus to wash away the sin of man. But what if God isn’t real, but just a figment of our imagination. A way to escape reality, a way to answer the unanswerable, a method to stay optimistic, a person who will love you no matter what will forgive as long as one repents, knows everything and makes the supernatural, natural, creates miracles for some and sends signs to others to do his bidding. Well, to me it just sounds fictitious and frankly, I just don’t believe that can be the case. As the argument that the universe cane to through a huge explosion which is come to be known as the ‘big bang’ is more prominent, and easier to believe, as there are facts and figures to back the theory. But recently, even though I said that I don’t believe in this so-called God. As in these dark times of my life, the period when all seems hopeless when nothing seems to be working, I think I partly understand why people turn to this imaginary being, this all-powerful being to help, and pray. It gives someone an outlet to express how they truly feel, how they have considered ending it all, how they just don’t know what to do. They feel shit, feel like they’ve hit rock bottom, if not, close to hitting it. And yet somehow a single confession every night helps relieve the pent up stress and pressure, clearing a load off the chest, even if just for a second. Yet in that brief second, one feels like they can breathe again, feels like they can live again, and have a more optimistic outlook at life. Maybe that’s why people pray to him, to God, as they feel reassured that whatever told to him, won’t get told to anyone. A form of stress relief, an outlet for pain, anger and sorrow, a therapist if you will, but one that doesn’t comfort you or give you ways to cope with the problem, but instead acknowledges you for who you are and doesn’t discriminate or judge, as like the bible says, man was made in the image of God. So god all in one and one in all, he represents everyone and we represent him. It shows that not everyone is perfect, not even god himself. So how are we supposed to be perfect if god isn’t? So, is the purpose of life to find perfection in imperfection, to find the missing piece to our puzzle, to make us whole, complete, ‘perfect’ in the eyes of our own as well as in the eyes of those around us.Perfection. Why is everybody obsessed with being perfect when everybody is special in their way? When everyone’s individuality is what makes them unique, what makes them who they are. Maybe that’s why people want to be perfect, or at least be perceived as perfect in the eyes of their peers. But some say perfection is in the eye of the beholder, but I say that perfection is found in symmetry, as if something looks symmetrical, it’s therefore aesthetically pleasing to look at, and so, perfect. But what if perfection isn’t found in symmetry or the eye of the beholder, but the heart of the individual, as we are attracted to people who perceive matter, form or beliefs just as we do, so making them perfect for us, like jigsaw pieces made to fit together, everyone has someone they were made for, someone with the same wavelength as them, someone they can resonate with and relate to. But what if we never find that person, or never have the opportunity to meet them? What then? To that I say, don’t worry. Destiny and fate will guide you together, just like they have for many others since the beginning of time.Self-obsession, narcissism, egotism. The story of Narcissus perfectly sets a precedent of the consequences which befall those who only have eyes for themselves, believes that the world revolves around them, believes that they are the pinnacle of mankind - the best, the ‘alpha’ or ‘apex’. Some may believe that it’s alright to be narcissistic to a certain extent, as long as it doesn’t hurt the people around you, and that at the end of the day, it’s just ‘egotistical individualism’. But I say no matter the extent to which the narcissistic characteristics manifest themselves in a person, it will always come with a price. Whether it be the shunning of those around you, or hurting those closest to you, one will always come to regret and remorse.
90% of what you said I agree with…Ive questioned the point of life and death…the belief in all things heaven and hell…being an atheist compared to someone who believes in some sort of religion…what happens after death…and would any of these questions actually get an answer after death…but I know we were born to live…that’s all…people are the ones who are at fault for making it a race for money…forcing pressure on someone to so called do something with their life before they die…ive imagined and told people the same thing about…going to school for years from the start of elementary…then high school…then college…then work and work and debt and bills…by the time you get to finally sit down and enjoy the fruits of your labor…youre so fuckin old you cant do anything but retire and death right around the corner after that…DIDNT GET TO LIVE AT ALL…and the other thing ive told them…you work and get a great apartment or house…you finally earned enough money to get a popular expensive car…you finally get that great position at some great company after working for all of those years…and before you can take a day off and peel a little money out of the bank for a fun relaxing vacation…youre hit by a bus or killed by a stray bullet…DIDNT GET TO LIVE AT ALL…it all goes back to…WHAT WAS THE FUCKIN POINT OF ALL OF THAT…ive heard stories of people quitting their jobs and becoming homeless on purpose…living off the grid…shit like that…just to get away from the problems people create for themselves…trying to finally LIVE before it’s too late…those are the smart ones…they dont want to deal with bills…or jobs…or bosses or rent or mortgage or expectations…they just want to live life.
Now the thing about God is what I feel was made up for adults to behave for the rest of their lives…just like santa claus was made up for kids to behave all year long…which means they behave every year as they grow old enough to find out santa aint real…that’s when it’s time to throw heaven and hell in their minds…time to behave again…but this time till you die.
Lots of people have an idea of what it will be like when they die…some say you are born again into another life…maybe your mind is reset to factory settings and you have no memory of the previous life…some people feel they get flashes of that previous or multiple previous lives…some say they have come close to death and see a white light and relatives and or friends that have died…sometimes telling them…“its not your time”…I dont know if they were just sleeping and dreaming this whole thing or if they actually saw the shit they claim…because when you dream…its what youve seen either on tv or while youre awake…its fears and worries…these things show up in your dreams…what happens in the dream is up to you as you dream it…so it could be a dream of what they see on tv or have experienced that they are seeing instead of a near death situation…but all everyone has to do is wait till they die to find out…to me its you have fresh parts in ya when youre young…as you get older so does those parts…sometimes people swap out those old parts for some factory made parts…not all parts can be upgraded or replaced…sometimes those parts clunk out…and sooner or later you completely clunk out…and to the trash heap you go…just like old cars…telly’s and refrigerators…if after life is true you get recycled and brought back…if not…thats it…just like an old computer.
Now when it comes to someone feeling pressured to be something they dont want to be…WHY?..its your life…you wouldnt be happy if you fake it…do what you feel you want to do…if blah blah wants a doctor or lawyer in the family…tell blah blah to become one…you like it so fuckin much…you be the doctor or lawyer…you dont get a package of lives…as to where ok this life is gonna be a doctor to make ma happy and this second life in the package is gonna be a lawyer to make dad happy…and good thing I have this 3 pack of lives because this third life is gonna come in handy for me to be a billion dollar company owner for my future gold diggin wife…so with your 1 life live it how you see fit…like too short said…“I live my life just how I please, satisfying one person,I know that’s me”…so out of all the pressures and all the thoughts and all of the beliefs…JUST BE YOU…just live.