Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

WEIRD FEELING

Hey! just a WEIRD feeling to share because that’s what I named my “feeling” since my childhood. I was in first standard when I got molested by a 42 years old man and almost for months in crèche. The man was the husband of the owner. He used to call me and often said ‘I will give you a candy’, I refused but was scared of him and his bloody eyes, if I decline again he used to pick me up and made me sit on his lap. He was smart enough to choose the time when aunty was not around and other kids as well and for the safe side he used to keep a toffee and always pretended that he loves children. After making me sit and he used to touch my private parts and most of the possible things that he could do within 20 minutes. This used to happened either in morning , or in afternoon. I did not know what was it but I abhor it that’s all. I sensed it was something that I didn’t want but also unknown to it. I was frightened. Since my parents were working. Both of them were having prominent jobs in government sector. After staying in crèche I started avoiding man who were looked like him or belongs to those age group even my dad! In nutshell I started avoiding uncles! That’s all.

My mom is a rational women she was the first one who noticed this alter in my behavior. On one of her holiday she asked my well-being. I just said a word crèche and in the moment she sensed something wrong, but her expressions of being worried made me feel like it’s a big thing that happened with me and I did not tell her. But being a caring mother she talked to owner of the crèche (aunty) and inform the change in my behavior she even mentioned to take care even when a male is around me. The owner accounted and shared this with uncle and on the very next day he picked me up , put me on his lap and asked why did I complain about him? I was silent and full of fear. I remember my lips didn’t even move. I was shaken to the core and on that day he touched me even more. I promised myself I will never even utter about him to anyone. After few months my parents got me off from the crèche and I started living with my relatives and with the time I tried to forgot those hellish moments. But this was not the end.

Those weird feelings returned when I got into a relationship for the first time in teenage. When the person I liked hugged me I started shivering and I was perplexed whenever there was any intimate moment. Every time when my boyfriend tried to get close to me I shivered. It was weird for him but he was understanding he asked me the reason but I didn’t tell him. He never forced and never get angry for my weird behavior, even his friends used to ask him about his kiss he tactfully handled them and never pressured me. He made me comfortable and gave me time to trust. It took me two years to hug him without getting shivered and after three years we had our kiss. I am blessed for having him. He is the only one who helped me to heal and cleared my weird feelings. He became the trustful place where I expressed my fear and everything. And a good note its been 6 years of us being together and by this October it’s going to be seven.

All I have learnt from this is if you ever feel bad or wrong about something whether its your past or present share it with someone on which you can count on, don’t try to forget because it leads you to nothing and at some point it comes backs to you and makes you suffer. Seek out for help, set boundaries and ameliorate your present. Because no one can take care of you better then yourself!