Vent/ Im confused and need others thoughts.
So I grew up with my siblings and mother who is a widow. Growing up my second oldest brother was the one that essentially took up the father role in my family, he always looked after us and tried to have a good relationship with us. Recently I feel we have been having a very strained relationship because in a sense I feel like he is toxic and says things that could be hurtful, I also do not have the best relationship with my sister in law so I feel very awkward when I am around them. We live in the same house for reference. Anyways, recently my boyfriend came to visit me and brought me flowers since it was our 1 year anniversary. I told my Mom and she said it was okay for home to come, I had planned on telling my brother but my Mom said it was okay and that she would tell him that I had a boyfriend and she had met their parents already, which she had. I told her okay and I didn’t really think much about it from there. Right when my boyfriend came, my brother had gotten home and I introduced them to each other. After I went out with him because my Mom had agreed to let us go out for a while. My brother tried talking to me later that day but I had fallen asleep when I got home, after both my mom and sister had called me so I talked to them on the phone. He then said he wanted to meet downstairs in the kitchen but I didn’t see why he didn’t want to talk in my room, I thought it would be more private that way but he wanted us to be “formal” about the situation. I also was afraid I would end up in tears and didn’t want to make a scene because it was past 8:00 pm and everyone else in the house had been in their rooms/sleeping. I thought I would end up in tears or making a scene because our talks usually end up with us getting heated and we both get mad at each other and that makes me cry because when I get really mad I cry. He took this action as me avoiding the situation and not wanting to confront him. The next day he takes to me and said he was very very disappointed in me because I had not told him I had a boyfriend and we had already been dating for a year. He said he would have liked a heads up at least. He also said that he knew where he stood in my life because I had not told him about my relationship and said he always tried to be very open about the things happening in his life. I did not tell him because I was being very private about my relationship only my Mom and sister knew, I didn’t tell anyone else because I wanted to make sure things were serious first and that we wouldn’t break up within a few months. But my brother thought otherwise, I felt very bad because he said he felt like he was nothing in our family because he wasn’t aware of me having a boyfriend. I didn’t think things would take such a big turn and end up in him not wanting to talk to me or even want a sister-brother relationship with me. I wish I would have done things differently and see that I made a big mistake. I don’t know if he’s right in how he’s acting towards me though? I’m only 17 and have so much to learn when he is 27. I feel like he expects too much of me because every time I commit mistakes (I have committed 2 other big mistakes in the last 4 year) he is about to cry and sounds very hurt. He also does not talk to me for a few days. I am unsure if he will ever forgive me or get over what happens. I am afraid he won’t forgive me and I am beating myself so much over it. I try to be a good sister, I take care of my younger siblings, have a good relationship with my mom, I cook/clean and I get good grades in school. I do not do any sort of drugs or go out without permission or even go out very often. I honestly don’t understand how or why I hurt him so much. I have begun to see him more and more as my brother and honestly never saw him as a fatherly figure, since my Mom played that role because she has been the only one who has stuck with me through the good and bad. I don’t know if he sees me as his daughter and that is why he is so hurt. All I know is I feel guilty about how things went down because I already don’t have a very good relationship with my other brother or sister-in-law’s. It hurts because I feel like I hurt him very very much but like I said I do not understand why he can’t just tell me he was hurt but tell me he will get over it and just needs time. I then feel like I would feel bad but learn from my mistake and try to communicate more with him. Instead I am starting to feel like it’s a good thing he won’t have such high expectations of me and so my failures/ mistakes will not make him so disappointed? Can someone please help me?? By giving me their thought, I know this has been a very long post but thank you to those who help.
Hey. Firstly, it’s a very tender age so you’re bound to feel millions of conflicting emotions at the same time. Don’t worry you’re not alone. We’re here for you. Now talking about your brother, he’ll come around eventually there’s nothing to worry about. He could’ve been hurt considering how everyone else in the family knew and he didn’t. But just like your ideology of privacy is important, similarly even you need to understand that there must be some reason why he didn’t tell you he was hurt. He realised how you’re already guilty, he didn’t want to add on. As you said, he’s your father figure and he loves you a lot so give him sometime I’m sure everything will fall into place. And from next time, try communicating more so that he doesn’t feel left out.
Hey, How are you doing now? and How is life in large?
