Trigger warning maybe. This is just me venting to myself.
I’m so scared. All my life has been an infinite loop, feeling like the world surrounding me and myself are doing the same things over and over. Long story but since my sisters and I reported our mom for psychological and almost physical abuse on december 31 last year I’ve never felt so free and alive. My thoughts were in peace, I finally felt like I wasn’t watched and pressed anymore. Until, 9 months later, situations made me come back to living at the same house. With my mom. This time alone.
She said things are better now. She understood that she’s mentally ill and that she’s taking her medication, her psychiatrist said she was fine too. And yeah I can notice the change, but this change was so sudden. 1 month since I’ve been here, my thoughts just suffocate me no matter what. I’m so scared that, she come backs to being the mother I knew. The mother I know. I’m scared that life comes backs to what was before, to that dull and painful loop that I felt like I couldn’t escape…
Christmas and new year’s eve is coming and idk if I can make it, everyone seems so fine by this and acting so normal I feel like a drama queen twisting facts but I can’t help but feel sad and anxious and scared. Just thinking I have to live this all again until I’m an adult feels like a long damn journey and I want to quit. Obviously I know myself enough to know that I would never do it or have the courage to do it, just the thought of it is pleasent enough.
I don’t want to live here. Living as a independent person is my only true dream now but I have no choice as a teenager. I need help, I really feel the strong need of talking to a therapist bc honestly it feels like I’m dying for these strong negative feelings
Heyyy…you’re not twisting facts or being dramatic. It’s completely alright for these feelings of anxiousness and doubt to emerge because of your past experience with her. Maybe others are trying to make things seem normal and are not truly talking about it, but I’m sure they must be feeling it too. Those impacted closely by her are probably feeling some of the feelings that you’re feeling too. And I can understand your need to live independently, especially in teenage years. And I don’t know how much longer it will take for that to happen. I’m also sure that you are trying your best to understand and cope with the situation, but it is just difficult for your mind to accept it. Don’t worry about it. Just breathe and maybe talk to your sisters about it if you’re the only one who’s left alone with her. They may be the closest ones to understand what you’re going through since they’ve been through some of it too. If they don’t understand either, then try to get in touch with a therapist with whom you can express yourself fully. What about your school counsellor? How are they? If they’re any good, you should give it a shot.Just remember that you are not creating this idea of the feelings that you are feeling. They are very much real, and right now you don’t know how to deal with them. That’s it. You just need to channel them through whichever medium that helps you. Be it writing about it here, talking to a close one, to a professional, writing your journal anything that helps you cope. Why that is important is because, in the long run, these feelings are not good for you, so you have to take care of yourself. And the good thing is…that you can! You can get through this. Just tackle one small feeling at a time. Try to exhale and free yourself of one negative feeling at a time. You’ll get there ❤️P.S. I’m here for you here in this thread if you need to discuss this :)