Today I’m not feeling great.
I should my daughter is finally getting better she’s had and illness for about a week the poor darling.
We have a house viewing, fingers crossed we get it.
I got a few hours sleep.
But I’m dredding my partner waking up and just seeing how the day plays out.
He admitted him self the night before but didn’t say nothing to me. So I’m sitting at my friend’s house (who is beyond a saint to house me, my husband & two daughters the oldest being 19mnths) until we get a place of our own. He blew up because I broke a window so to him that’s more stress the cost to replace the window, it not being our house ect. Straight away he tells me to call my friend and let her know so I do that he’s walking in and out saying shit about things and myself. And while I’m trying to let her know he’s saying all that then goes our yea her answer not me. Like fuck bro you told me to call so that’s what I’m doing this goes on for about 3-4min then he asks if I’m okay mind you we on the second level and tbh if I didn’t correct the way I fell I would have went straight thru while holding our 1mnth old. So then decides he’s going for a walk he needs to talk to someone. So im left sitting there after almost falling out a window, listening to his blow up I choose not to say nothing or even defend myself to save the hassle of an argument because it turns into me trying to start an argument or saying that he’s wrong some shit like that. So yea after all that I think I need a breather too but no I gotta nurse my baby to sleep and comfort my sick asf daughter. He then goes for this walk and admits himself. This happend roughly 9:00- 9:30. 1hr passes I’m thinking he shouldn’t be to far he doesn’t know the area. Another hour passes I start to worry we both are quite fucked up in the head so I hope he hasn’t done nothing to himself. Also there’s a big storm passing thru. Thinking he’s going to get sick, I hope he’s okay. My daughter is just crying & crying I can only do so much I’m still trying to settle our baby but she can’t because our oldest is upset. I missed his parents calls but then when I finally got bub asleep and the other settled until the Dr showed up, I called them back they asked me what’s going on explained to them what had happened. I feel as if they blame me for their son having a melt down. They’d use words like you guys this and Yous need to that. It sounded like you this and you that it really did so another thing to bring me down. Then I start calling police stations and hospitals to see if he is at either even left my unattended children to see if I can see him down the road or around the block. But nothing so now I’m starting to feel it all, to make things worse at one point the calls to the police stations weren’t being picked almost like they we’re denying the calls so that got me abit emotional because I can’t find him and I haven’t heard anything since he needed to go talk to someone. it’s now 1:00-1:30 police station answered finally listens to me and not long after that I found him they had picked him up and taken him to the hospital so he can talk to someone. He then stayed there a few hrs and came back home. All while I’m doing everything to make our daughters comfortable and look for him and keeping his parents upto date. I then go straight to I’m sorry and just feel really guilty like if only I didn’t lose the thermometer, I shouldn’t have lent on the window ect. Then I start to bum out abit more because in that while time no one was checking to see if I was okay. Especially when he blew up I had to listen to 3-4min of BS before I was asked if I’m okay. But yea crying and hugging him letting him know it’s okay and that I’m sorry. So the next day I’m just trying not to bite back even when he is says something along the lines of your not doing anything or why isn’t this done yet. Then after all day of basically being numb he has a issue with that. So I’m ment to be all happy and cheery after a day like today & last night. Then later on I have a tone and I spoke to him angerly because I was putting the baby down to sleep he wakes her. I love the man deeply he’s my first love but he Carries on like he’s only one going thru shit.
So year kind of not looking forward to today