This is quite long I just want to share my thoughts. Confusing thought I think.
Middle of the night I am crying. I cried for the first time this year. I don’t know why or maybe because I was thinking that I want to be dead. I want to cease existing but the thing is I am not a suicidal person, I do not want to kill myself I am not like that. I’m only 23 y/o. Ever since I was in high school or I think even before I enter High school, I have always thought that. Like I don’t want to live anymore I want to die and yes till now I’m still alive and well. I’ve always imagine myself getting shot by a stray bullet or get hit by a car accidentally but I stop thinking about it before I finish high school because obviously I’m not dying. And then I finished college. I even had a job which I eventually resigned ‘cuz I needed to review to pass the boards and yeah I passed the boards but unemployed because of pandemic. But then this night in which I may not ever forget this is the first time I cried while thinking I want to die. The thought of wanting to die came over. I’m apologizing to Lord God, Lord Jesus Christ because of my thoughts of wanting to die and then Tears just keeps coming. I’m not unfortunate, whatever I have is what most people want, people who don’t have anything like a house to live, a bed, a food. But Don’t get me wrong we’re not rich. I’m just an ordinary person like everybody. But just a person who wants to die. I know I said I stop thinking about wanting to die but in my thoughts it never left. So this night the thought came out open I blurted put that I want to die. I want to die but I repeat I am not suicidal I will not take my own life. ( I actually hate that act , doing suicidal stuff I don’t hate the person doing it but I hate the act of killing yourself ) I know there is still much to see in this beautiful yet cruel world but it’s just that I don’t know why I have to live, truth to be told I do not know what I want I don’t want anything except to cease my existence. I just don’t have a reason to live. I want to die but I don’t need to. I just have to go on. Ever since I was a kid I’ve always have insomnia I still have it now I’m not actually thinking I’m just staring at our ceiling trying to get myself sleep but i just can’t sleep. I’m not sad, I’m happy. I’m happy when I see my family being happy I am happy when my friends are happy. I love hearing our dogs barking playing. I’m not sad I actually laughed a lot. But I don’t know why this thought never left me It’s just always there. I’m still alive I should be happy about it but I don’t know why I want to die badly. But I don’t need to die but I want to die. But what I do know is, that I need to cross this out of my mind. Wants and needs are really different. I am so confused. I guess ages 20-25 are really hard. I apologized for my shared thoughts. If you read this. Thank you and I apologize for wasting your time. But if you have any advice I will gladly appreciate it. 🙂
I get it… im one who self harms and want to be dead all the time. I always ask myself why i feel this way… i self harm because of feeling like im nothing. im 17 y/o my family was never there for me. they abandoned me. it wasnt easy.
I have no words that will soothe or pacify you or even show you the way. I used to harm myself because it was the only way i could express what i was feeling without lashing out at other people. I have insomnia and i take cold medicine to fall asleep. But the thing is, i have a great life. That’s why i dont understand what the problem is.
