Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

This is my first story. It’s rare for me to share anything to anyone before especially in public, this one is special though and this website as well. But, here it goes (I don’t even know what to feel and the category of this story). March 24th 2020, second week of quarantine, was just a regular quarantine day for me. I wake up around 7 in the morning, sometimes 5. Play games until 9:15, to start online learning and finish around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. After the online learning, I would start playing video games. On this day, I was playing League of Legends winning matches left and right, with a streak of 8 wins in a row! Then I got tired 😛 It was break time, and I decided to just (out of curiosity) stroll to my friends list - just to find someone who I could brag about my 8 wins streak. But, I realized that one of my friends is a fan of Star Wars (I love Star Wars), I did not know that I had a Star Wars fan friend. The name goes: Darth (for privacy reasons). I got excited and with no hesitation messaged this mysterious friend. Instead of saying hi, I sent a question, “Is your name masculine or feminine? Not that it mattered at all. I just want to know if it’s a male’s or a female’s name”. Then, this mysterious person in my friends list replied, “It is a feminine name, and yes I am female. Bi to be exact”. But, I don’t remember playing with someone that is a female. Long story short, I discovered that she let someone borrow her account, and that was the person that I remember playing with (which was around 2015 or 2016, long time ago). With that exchange, it led to more questions and answering. Then, this person got an interest of me, asking questions about me and my life. And as a lonely and a hybrid between introvert and extrovert person, I was happy to answer all her questions. Then few days later of talking, she fell in love to me. And my reaction was blush, shacking, sweating, and mind-processor going faster than quantum computer able to attain. She said that I have an interesting personality, a philosophical mind she says. We exchanged stories of our lives of how we came to be today. Our conversations lasted us overnight! The only way I could describe our conversation is like if Yin and Yang, or light and dark, talk to each other. Our lives were completely opposite of each other which fed our conversations even more, sprinkled with curious minds. Then on Thursday, she confessed that she had feelings for me, this time it was for real for real, this was like too good to be true for me AHHH! Girls rarely feel in love to me, especially when we never seen our faces before. As idiotic and innocent as I am at love experiences, I was ignorant at what my feelings were towards her and said to her that I also had feelings towards her also (note this part). Which then led to my very first sexting, which went well if I do say so myself. Friday night came, both of us felt comfortable enough to share pictures of us, of our private parts not faces. Which then led to a roller coaster of emotions, emotions where she felt that her body wasn’t able to please me, and she was right, which I didn’t lie about (I just hate lying). At this point, no matter what I say to her, our world has shattered to pieces. Saturday: We manage to talk to each other enough to at least glue up all the pieces together and enjoy our time by playing video games. Later on, we then started talking about our feelings to one another again, which went positively, our love to one another was still there. Sunday morning and afternoon, we played video games together again. When the night came, we started to talk about our feelings to one another again which lead to us not talking to each other on Monday, and out of idiocy I called her body horrible. Thinking to myself that if she hates me, she would not hate herself and her body. On Tuesday, we reconnected to each other and talk about how we could fix things, which we did. But, as idiotic as I am, when asked if I still have feelings for her, I couldn’t lie, I tried, but I just couldn’t lie. After she discovered my feelings for her were gone, both of us ended it. Both of us agreed to not connect to each other ever again. And on that night, both of us said our good byes, saying of how crazy our week went… As ironic as it is, we have discovered that when I announced my feelings for her, it was a lie, a lie that I did not take noticed. We discovered that my feelings for her wasn’t love but a fake one, a feeling where I wanted a person to fill up my loneliness, that could also be love but it was the question of pleasure over happiness. A feeling that only last for a moment, a feeling where it doesn’t pursued you to take a scary step to with that someone but makes you hesitant, that is pleasure and we both don’t want that. And both of us understand this, that the feeling I had wasn’t love that she was looking for, knowing that my feelings for her was just me wanting a friend; and since she had dug down so deeply into me, she couldn’t accept my friendship to her, and so she had to let me go. And I understand it. From that, it gave her great pain to know.Now heard me out on this, correct me if I’m wrong. Me and my special particular other defined love as someone that accepts you, body and soul, good and bad of you, the 100% of you no matter what they still want you, to be with you for the rest of their life - Is it wrong to think love is that? And foolish me, I came to realize during our departure from one another that I only loved parts of her - her soul and personality but not her body. I know I know, I’m a dick for not sucking it up and whatnot, but understand this my feelings for her wasn’t a lie but a real one, but me not accepting her fully means that my love for her would just deteriorates causing more pain and suffering in the future and I don’t want that, I want her to be happy. And her love to me was full 100%, and it pains me that I couldn’t give her the full 100% back to her, if not 110%. We both know this. That is why we have let our relationship go. But, it was a good and meaningful ending, leaving me crying for days even now…And I know what your about to say reader! “But, dude. You’ve only talked to her for about a week” . I know I know, but with our conversation lasting about a week, it felt like I’ve known her for the entirety of my life! It’s crazy I know. And she taught the same thing. Even though our lives are completely opposite, we’re able to talk our differences and discover things that ourselves never thought of.So why put this story in gratitude category? Well, first of all, thank you for reading my random and long story. Thank you for your time! I putted this story in gratitude category because I was grateful to meet such an amazing person, even just talking to her in the internet, it was an amazing experience as if I was talking to her in person and talked to her for all my life. I am also grateful that a person like me is able to discover at least a fraction of what the meaning of love is - I know it may just be the tip of the iceberg and it may be hard to find someone that I desired. But, if you know what you desire, you might get it one day so think about it. And this is my desire to love someone 100% and so does she/he, I believe this will give me happiness, and to discover if our theory/explanation about love is a plusable way of thinking what love is.So please, don’t be scared to tell me what you think, good or bad. I just want to know if I’m crazy or not. If not as a bonus, give some advice.I’m gonna end this with a quote:“When you’re in love, you’re capable of learning everything and knowing things you had never dared even to think, because love is the key to understanding of all the mysteries” - Paulo Coelho