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Suicidal IdeationThought

If you or somebody you know is currently struggling, please take deep breaths and reach out to somebody. Here are few resources that may help.
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Ana Banach @johnthejohn

There’s this band I listen to called My Chemical Romance. If you’ve never heard of them, then I recommend you look them up. Uh, so, they’re an emo rock band…and their songs are very beautiful. OH I JUST THOUGHT OF A WAY THAT YOU MAY KNOW THEM: The lead singer, Gerard Way, wrote the comics of Umbrella Academy. It’s a Netflix show now.
Anyway, I love these guys, but there’s this one song that makes me want to stab myself. I turned it off, but I keep going back to these angels. Some of their songs are really heavy. Like, for example, Brother. It’s a song Gerard wrote for his brother Mikey after he attempted suicide. It’s not necassarily heavy, but I can’t think of anything with too many metaphors that people who aren’t fans of them would understand.

This happened with a different song by a singer (or band, I don’t know) called AJJ. He/they write songs that are more blunt. They/he wrote a song called People II 2: Still Peoplein’. In it, he/they talk about how terrible life is. I mindlessly made a Google Doc titled Reasons I Should Die. On it, I forced myself to list all of the people who love me. I was so scared. I typed it so that I couldn’t say Cousins, Friends, Mom and Dad…I wrote everyone’s names individually, including some friends I met online.
This is mostly where it began, my whole suicidal thing. Every time I hold a knife, I wonder what it would feel like to be stabbed. I wonder if it would hurt? I wonder if I could just…try it. Without dying.

Isn’t it absurd I reach out to strangers that I for some reason trust more than my own parents to tell this? I’ve never felt this way before, I guess I just think they’re going to make me do therapy or get upset and cry. I don’t want that.
I’ve become shaky, self concious, quieter, weaker, and less trusting. I honestly think I have trust issues. I carry sticks with me, if not rocks. I throw the rocks at the feet of this kid in my class who is a jerk. I don’t hit him, but…this is not good. So I’m seeking guidance from a load of strangers who I have given advice to and who have helped me with my own problems in the past. GRR! 😖

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7 replies
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Simran @st1199

You are turning your life for a band/song you heard, right?
He/they made a song because it happened (you mentioned it). You don’t have to do the same to feel the pain. It’s nowhere said that and obviously not meant in that way.

Try to be less cold with yourself and other people. They are human being like you and you will get no pleasure in hurting them, I suppose?
I too would recommend to get a therapy session since they will be best to guide you and understand your thinking process.

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Ana Banach @johnthejohn

Thank you.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @someoneintheworld93

Hey, maybe I’m late but there are a lot of things i’d like to tell you, sorry if i don’t express it good enough.
BTW yes I know MCR, but i haven’t actually listened to them. This is gonna be so random, sorry, mmm i can’t focus on having an structure cause i’m in online class XD. Anyways, first:
If you made a doc called ‘Reasons I Should Die’ and wrote all the persons you love and that love you, I think that are reasons to live, there are reasons to engage with people and live new experiences or even just hang out with them or knowing people care about you.
Trigger Warning!!!:
I used to have the same feeling, two years ago, i would grab a knife and just start having a lot of confusing thoughts and messed up feelings, its like i wanted to feel something, and i actually wanted to die, not like you. I thought would this be a good way to end with this? And, I would put it against my chest even, just…I don’t know why… Maybe i was just seeking for help, hoping my parents or something saw me so i could tell someone what i was going through. The thing is that i would just freeze there, though in my mind i knew i would not be able to do it, i just thought all the people that would get hurt, and also i thought all the things that could happen to me that would make me be ok. Maybe this helps, I thought of how i would be in five years, or even just two. And eight know I’m better than two years ago (not exactly ok but well).
And no, it’s not absurd, I actually used this platform exactly to reach out to strangers. It’s the thing of chatting online, it’s not the same thing.
I also don’t tell my parents so that they don’t get worried and upset, cause i feel that i’ve hurt them enough. But that’s not true, if you’re not good, your parents are going to find out someday and will feel bad they couldn’t help you. I think it’d be better to tell them so that they feel like they’re helping, even if it makes them feel helpless or really worried (anyway don’t listen to me, i’m not exactly following my advice)
Also, a proffesional, that’s actually focused on you (not like this platform) is always helpful, it may make you see thing in a different way. i wanna go to therapy, it’s not a bad thing, just like when you go to the doctor when you feel bad phisically. People think therapy is for crazy people. I just thing the crazy people are the ‘sane ones’ honestly. We live in this world in which no one can show their emotions and we get locked inside ourselves…

Anyways, i hope it helped. I get messed up with my words and never actually express myself like i want to.
Oh also, i’ve kinda stalk you (jk. I just saw your question in the q&a) And I’m gay too so, if you wanna ask me about it.

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Btw merry christmas (if you celebrate it, if not is great anyway)

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Ana Banach @johnthejohn

I do, thank you.
Stay strong! My parents forced a therapist on me, so I’m taken care of. I do have a small question about coming out…how?

Profile picture for Now&Me member @someoneintheworld93

Happy to hear that!
There’s not actually a how to…it all depends on what kind of parents you have. If you know for sure how they’ll react. Well actually you’d never know, there are people that seem to be homophobic but they aren’t and viceversa.
I think the best way is just to be honest.
I mean everyone knows how to say ‘i’m lesbian’, other thing is actually saying it. Maybe first prepare them saying stuff like when i was little i’ve always known that…or whatever (it doesn’t have to be that obviously).
It’s also a good idea to prepare a letter or email so that you can send it to them first or read it out loud so that you don’t get freezed.

The seconds before you say it is terrifying, but once it’s being said there’s no turn back so you’ve got to be sure there’s no danger for you physically or in other ways. If you know they’re not radical just tell them ,if you want, right away. It will be probably a sock for them so let them process it for a while.

I hope it goes well. You can do it whenever you feel ready.

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Ana Banach @johnthejohn

It did, thank you so much.


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