Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

The trigger warning is for talking about past trauma, health issues, abuse, suicidal behavior (someone I know), stressful situations. I don’t really know how trigger warnings work but… just in case i put one.
I wanted to find a place to just… let off some of the stress. I understand I’m too young to begin to know the stress of the world, but the world that I have been exposed to within the four walls has been enough for me. I’ve been inside a majority of my life being homeschooled, most of my relationships are online aside from my sister and mother. I think for this my mother will be the main focus and reason behind the problems. I endlessly worry, you know? She had headaches for years, then suddenly she told me she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Especially when laying down. My thought was that maybe it was from anxiety. There was a lot going on, I experienced a several week long panic attack brought on by hypochondria, funnily enough. I got a lot better about staying calm after realizing what it was. But I tried everything to bring her anxiety down. I made her tea every night. I would sit in her bed for hours brushing her hair, days of running on only a couple hours of sleep. I didn’t care though. Anything to try not to keep finding her sobbing on the floor. We got her a new bed that adjusts so she could sit up, we tried walking during the cool nights of July. I slept on her floor a lot of nights, and heard her awake in the middle of the night. Suddenly just jolting awake and gasping. I watched her sleep for hours seeing if maybe it was sleep apnea. But no give. Nothing helped, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Until she finally went to the doctor again when she felt something wrong with her heart and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I won’t ever forget when she told me. After a long day of babysitting my sister’s kids so she could be with her at the doctor’s. She got home with this look on her face and I just knew it wasn’t good. We all sobbed so much. I didn’t sleep for weeks. I remember waking myself up sobbing in my sleep. Things felt so… static. So god awfully still. I didn’t talk to friends for weeks. I just didn’t have the energy to. She god on blood pressure medications and there was so much struggle with that, and struggle with finding a doctor that would listen to us. And in the thick of this happening my girlfriend’s depression and anxiety were getting worse. The way she talked about how she would… disappear. It just felt so wrong. I couldn’t understand how someone could just… not care about themselves so much that they could talk about how they would die like it was the weather. She would tell me that if she ever tried to breakup with me to not let it happen if I didn’t want to breakup. That she didn’t ever mean it, and it was the last thing stopping her. I know that sounds bad, it always sounds so bad when I talk about it but she wasn’t abusive with it. She tried to ask her father about therapy and he blew up at her. “You’re not one of those people” he told her. It took months to work her up to asking her mom to go to therapy and she finally did, and the same day she went the therapist called the abuse hotline and her father was removed. She’s gotten so much better now, I can’t even begin to express my relief. My mom lost a bunch of weight on a new diet and her blood pressure has gotten so much better. She’s trying to all together erase it if she can. And I can’t believe her strength. The issue that I’m having in all of this is… I’m still suffering from the trauma. And my mom doesn’t seem to understand. I really wish I could convince her I need therapy, and I’ll keep trying in hopes that I can get her to just take me to at least an assessment of some kind. I can’t begin to explain how not okay I am after all of that. Yes, maybe it started a year ago. But 6 months isn’t long enough to recover and be magically okay again. No I wasn’t the one that almost died, mom. But I had to sit there and helplessly watch the one I loved refuse to get help and slowly wither away. She looked like death. She was withering away to nothing. I can’t just be okay after that. I’m only 17, there’s only so much I can do and handle. I did everything I could and it still wasn’t enough, every moment I was alone I couldn’t stop the tears. I cried as soon as I was out of her sight. Even if it was to run and fetch something for her. I hated that I couldn’t control it. Goddamnit, I cried myself to sleep every night. This isn’t trauma I can magically bounce back from. I wish she would just put her distrust for therapists aside just this once. It was a lot of stress wondering if two people you love could suddenly just be dead when you wake up. I still don’t sleep solidly and shoot up out of bed as soon as my mom walks in the room. My anxiety has been tearing me apart since that and I’ve been so tired all the time. To add to it I’ve had a migraine for the past two or three weeks and now I’m trying to convince her to schedule a virtual appointment so I can at least get something to manage it. It’s been fairly painless but I’m so dizzy and confused all the time. I just want it to go away. I’m aware her behavior is toxic, She’s a fantastic mom but has her moments. I can’t do much about it so I’ve gotten some advice and better ways to cope but good god do I need a nap. I feel better after putting all of that out there though. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. It means a lot to me.