The pills, the criticism,the taunts,the fear
Everything hurts 
Hearing people say things about me
People judging me
I am done with this
I can't 
I am not strong enough
😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔

3am Thoughts

I feel like there is something wrong with me. I am too sensitive. I get hurt for the dumbest things and I overthink about them so much. I hate myself. I cannot cook, I cannot clean, I cannot study, I cannot be organized, I am not good at anything. I have no talents, I am not good at math or economics or history or art. I have no ideal job or life that I want to have. I love fantasizing that I do but I don't. I imagine that I am the coolest person on earth but I am not. I am not even confident. I get scared to take risks. I am lazy. I am such a big procastinator. I want the easy way out. I always think I am lesser than a lot of my friends. A lot of my friends seem like they liked me a lot and maybe they do but whenever I am with them I feel like I am useless. They're supportive, nice and helpful but I never feel like I am good enough. I waste money too. I try so hard to plan and be organized but It always fails because I am an inconsistent idiot. I try to bring discipline into my life but I always give up.  Sometimes I feel like my mother should not have given birth to me - I don't know, is this also overthinking? I don't know. I just want to be normal. 

Failure

There are so many people out there who’re going through something or the other. It makes me feel numb, knowing that there are so many broken hearts that are just, struggling to beat. Struggling to heal, struggling to move on in life. Some days are harder than others to power through, so if you’ve been doing that, even if it’s as simple as just getting through a tough day, applaud yourself and give yourself a pat on the back. We have to celebrate these achievements, even if you think they’re small. Time goes by, life goes on, and once again, you’ll find yourself opening new doors in your journey. It may not be all fine at the moment, but eventually, life will fall in place and what’s meant for you will find you. Battling your vulnerable emotions isn’t easy, but you don’t have to be so hard on yourself. You’re doing just fine, and you’re deserving of so much more. You’re deserving of peace and happiness. 💗

Compassion

Feeling broken. Beyond point of repair smh 

Anyone!??? I thought I will get an option where I can talk to someone about the things I am dealing with!!

Bipolar Disorder

I’m really depressed today. Saw my ex’s male friends’ story. They are dating now with pouts in their insta story. She always told me that he is just a close friend nothing more. But today after seeing the guy’s insta story I am completely heavy hearted. 
Life is so unfair. It feels like I would never be able to trust and love anyone again 😔

Breakup

Sorry, this is quite long, I do get to the point later. Also, excuse my english if theres any mistakes. This was very rushed and english is my second language. Okay, so theres this girl in my school, she's about my age. Honestly, she's very cute and I did have a little crush on her that never really escalated to anything more because we just haven't talked and stuff. Well, Valentines day came around and our school decided to do a mail thingy where you cold put your letters into a box and they would get delivered to the person. I wrote a letter to her, admitting that I had a bit of a "hallway crush" on her and basically told her what I like about her. I didn't sign with my name, but I did sign with my lockers number in case she wanted to write me smth back. She didn't. That's cool, didn't expect much. Well, the Friday before spring break, our P.E classes got joined, the boys stayed inside and played football and the teacher let us girls go outside and walk laps around the stadium. Me and my friends decided to just play with a ball, while the girl I like walked laps. I had candy so I of course offered some to my friend and then decided that I should give the girl I like some of my candy too, but she refused. Towards the end of the lesson, I saw some pretty flowers, picked them and went inside. There I gave the flowers to the girl. Fast forward to after the spring break (1 week later), I unlock my locker and there I saw a note, asking if I gave her the flowers and she signed with her locker number too. And then we started talking through notes, and my crush got pretty big. I get excited everytime going to school, can barely fall asleep at night because i'm just thinking about her and actually am looking forward to going to school even when I know were writing some quiz/test. I have learned she likes eclairs so I made it my mission to get her some on Friday (the only day that I'm able to). I also decided to give her a little bouquet of wild flowers I could find in my schools backyard. Unfortunately, she left with career consultant before I could giver her. No biggie, she should come back and i'll just give her then. Well, she came back when I had a lesson, and around that time the teacher has cancelled her lesson so she just left before I could give it to her. Super sad, I'm planning to get to school earlier on Monday tho so I could make another bouquet with my friend and give her the eclairs then (I'll buy a few new ones on Sunday). My problem is, tho, that before leaving school on Thursday after lessons I left a note for her and she hasn't replied to it at all, and It's not the first time really. Sometimes she takes a bit long to reply, which is driving me nuts because I have quite a wild imagination. Also, at the hallways, I seem to be the only excited to see her (unless she has quite a good poker face, which I don't. Can't hide emotions to save my life.). So now I'm wondering if she's just not that interested in me as I thought and if I should do anything about it. Next year were going to seperate schools, so we will practically never see each other. Should I try to be blunt about it and just ask her? Or wait a bit longer and see what happens?

Crush

Valentines day, a cheerful, colourful and most cherished day, celebrated by most people across the world with their loved one's.
Every year this day makes me feel the empty ness of my life. It's the day that creates anxiousness, fear, insecurity, low self esteem, angry, hatred, disgusting and much more. All these emotions gushes out and creates an havoc. I mean it's all fu*ked up. Especially today, I can't calm myself down. I have been single my whole life. Thoughts like turning 25, haven't had a chance to celebrate valentines day yet builds up an anxiety that I can't even explain. I feel that I'm an abomination, a cursed one. There is no one in my life to share my feelings with. For I'm a product of bad parenting and vicious dominant friends. I'm feeling lonely than ever. 

Is there something wrong with me?
What if I end up being alone for the rest of my life? 
What if this loneliness kills me instead? 
What if there is no one to love/understand me? 

These questions are making me paranoid. 
I used to think that Love is a kind of blessing. Now, I've started to think that the concept of 'Love' is delusional. I think it's very overrated in today's world. 




Lonely

Not getting invited to plans sucks but watching Netflix is better than being disrespected 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts