Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Summer. This season is the worst for me.
Apart from the obvious nuisances, I have what I assume it’s seasonal depression. Ever since I have memory, when this time of year starts my mental health goes more south than ever. All sweaty, always crying, stuck to my computer or phone without sleeping… I still recall vividly my summer in 2016, where I was so sad I didn’t bath for a month. Imagine. Not bathing for a month, in summer of all the seasons. My family had to drag me to the shower to actually get myself bathed and wash my hair. One of the reasons I was reluctant to do so was because I didn’t think it was worth the time or effort for myself, didn’t want to confront reality neither go through the obvious pain of brushing my 1 month dirty hair. So stuck in the moment couldn’t even think of the consequences of all this and didn’t care either, which is so far apart from me.
As expected, my hair was all stuck together and my big sis and my mother had to brush it for me. I never looked back in this situation ever again, never thinked too much of it; maybe the fact I barely remember that period of my life influences it. I mentioned a couple of times, but never sitted back and said to anyone or myself: this was so WRONG. And no one ever thought anything about it, how? How people close to me couldn’t see my obvious pain? This aggravates my resentment like nothing else. Neglected. The impact this moment had in my life and never took the time to think about it. It makes me pissed, frustrated but always… sad.
I’m in summer season now. This year I had a lot of time to work on myself and I did more progress than ever. I’m going through it better compared to other years, yet my sadness and pain lingers. I think I can manage better now since I feel more conscious, definetely I’m more lucid than ever despite the circunstances I find myself in. I’ve been through a lot these days, today finally getting some tears out of me; I’ve been frenetic yet tired, trying to figure myself out and taking my time.
I’ve been asking myself why. Why do I cry? Why do I feel so sad, intense burn in my chest? I have no strong particular reason for it yet I sob as if the world was ending. Maybe situations are difficult and now my mind has started to realize it emotionally, maybe is because I’m still working out with my past and my emotions trying to understand myself better. Maybe. Maybe it just… is.
I think this is the perfect time to test myself and see how far my strength can go (without pushing myself too far of course), since when I feel at my worst yet my mind is good in a way I can see myself capable of learning even more about who I am in these times. I’m a person who avoids adversity at all costs; slight annoying obstacle can make me go away unless I’m obligated to act which is… something I need to work hard to unlearn otherwise I won’t be able to make it out there in the world. Destroying bad habits is my current goal, trying to tune in with my emotions; surrender and not fight, yet find the vitality and strength to get back up more myself as ever. Strong mentality, change the way I talk to myself and the subliminal messages I repeat to myself matters a lot.
Basically, in my seasonal depression try not be too hard on myself when my emotions are already doing so. Keeping my mind active in a good and positive way, stretching every morning so I start in a good pace is doing wonders to me. This is a time where I’m stepping in knowing more, preparing myself to heal through it with God and all the spirits and angels who I know take care and listen to me. It will be difficult I always repeat this, more knowing my feelings are at peak and I will probably have some emotional crisis in the way (hopefully not), but trying is the best tool that’s always at the disposal and I’m going to use it all the times I need to.