Stop it stop it stop me stop this stop stop stop stop stop you always do this, holding onto false hope and when you don’t get that thing you get depressed. 
Stop! 

3am Thoughts

I still like my teacher. He is wayyy older than me. It's gotten worse and I'm having dreams/, how the hell can I go to class now?? My favourite teacher/mentor (different one) left because she's badly sick and idk what's wrong. I'm scared. One of my friends that I share with my sister is so toxic that my sister has spoken to teachers at school about her being nasty. So we just lost more friends. I lost a lot of people this week, no to death, but just gone. To make it all worse I might like my friend who will never see me as more than a friend. I hate myself. 

Depression

I get it when two people are together they depend each other a lot. Its nice to them helping each other out. But it also gets toxic when they cannot work things out by themselves. They need to learn that a person should not depend on their other halves for every little thing. 

Relationships

Good morning lovely people out there!
I hope you all have a nice Sunday. 
Blessings and power to you all 

Exercise

Kya sach m koi peso k bdle gf bn skti hai?

It didnt let me post my first thought and i dont know why, but just wanted to say hi and that even though im not feeling great i think ill get through it

Lonely

It was kinda okayish day yesterday. I didn’t get anything done again but atleast I made some art and whenever I do art, it feels like my life has some purpose, be it for those 15 minutes. I feel like I’m creating something and putting it out in the world to see. Lately, I was not feeling like doing anything but yesterday I just picked up my supplies and drew for about 30-40 mins, at that time, my whole family was around me but their voices seemed all blurred out to me. It was like I’m in some other world of my own. I felt like that after a long time. That’s my only way to not think about all the mess in my life. Although idk why suddenly but I’m getting flashbacks of me getting beaten up as a child. I mean it’s not like I never thought about it earlier but now these flashbacks are quite frequent. Those marks on my body don’t hurt anymore physically but it feels like they are still hurting. Every time I get these flashbacks, I go into anxiety episode. I start hyperventilating and there’s this constant pain in my chest and legs feel so week like someone bashed them out. 
I remember the day when my parents found out I have Facebook account in 10th standard and they casually called me for lunch, and I could pick up a vibe at that time, that something is not right. And as soon as we were done with lunch. My father confronted me if I have a FB account. Ofcourse as a scared child, I denied it. But apparently they showed me pics and all and just started beating me. His face, that angry face filled with disgust that he has a characterless daughter, I still remember that. Slapping, punching, kicking me wasn’t enough, he brought out a long wooden stick, it was almost as long as my height at that time, he started beating me up with that, and he did that till that stick broke into two pieces. I had few guy friends added from my school in that Fb account. And it was mostly casual conversations with every single person added, be it a guy or a girl. But there was also my crush, and chats were sort of flirty (not exactly though) and that was the proof for my family to label me as characterless. My mother and brother were just watching me getting traumatised, that wasn’t enough for them, my brother said to me (in front of my parents) that ‘you are behaving like a slut, if you continue doing this you’ll get labelled as a whore by society and the way you behave, I believe you can sleep with anyone’ 
Those were the exact words, I still remember. Getting labelled characterless by my own family at the age of 14. 
Within a week they found out my personal dairy and then they confronted me again. Read every single page of that and humiliated me. Started following me to my tutions and asking my Tution teacher and other kids if there was actually a tution class in the morning or did I just make it up.. 
in that dairy, I wrote a lot of things, me getting bullied in school, feeling bad, or that I need somebody to understand me, just listen to me once..they ignored all that like it was never there and only focused on the ‘boy’ part. 

And now after almost 7 years of this happening, I still get scared of them. They tell me they love me, and I really believe them but there’s still that doubt that if I ever do even a little thing wrong, they’ll just start beating me again. 
At that age, I needed someone to listen to me, that someone close to our family is sexually assaulting me for years. But how could I tell them after knowing how much they’ll support me. I know I’d have been blamed. How do I tell them it happend again, two years ago. I know I’m their child and they love me. But do they trust me or support me? I highly doubt that.
I just wanna be heard, just once I wanna tell them I wasn’t wrong. 
I feel like ending my life, but I’m scared what if i won’t be successful, and end up alive. They’ll be disappointed again. But for now, night is all I have to cry it out.

Suicidal Ideation

Kisiko doremon chahiye😛

Affirmations

Anybody up for talk?Want some advice but on personal chat so text with ur id not anonymously so i can add back please.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts