Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Sometime i feel like something wrong with me like i am defected or idk i don’t feel panic in situation which i should be panicking it’s like feel nothing at times like this and people around be like u are way too careless u don’t care about anything ur life is perfect. Perfect. What is perfect about of me is it that there were days when i feel like drowning or that there were nights where i just cry hate myself so much to choke,cut even burn myself to just feel better thinking physical pain can help me not to think about emotional pain, those long showers with blasting music were not just me vibing bt rather controlling my scream or maybe it is the random pain i feel in my chest when there so many people around and it scares me so much like everyone is looking, laughing at me. So this is me perfectly happy.