I don’t know how people get through break up pains. It has been 3 weeks since i broke up with my gf. But it still hurts. I just cry randomly. I feel like my love meant nothing. We broke up because we won’t get accepted by our families. She n me still in love. But she started taking her space now. To get through this pain.she is not someone vocal bout what she going through like me. She has different ways of dealing with it. But her ways hurt me. It makes me feel like i am a useless person which i know i am not. I know my worth. But it’s funny how in an instance you can lose your confidence, and make you hate yourself.
My world turned upside down. I don’t know what i should do. Everytime i think i am over it, i realize i really am not. I am just convincing myself that i am fine. I stopped telling her how i feel also coz i don’t want to look like a child. A clingy person. I don’t want to burden herself with the pain my heart feels.
I am trying to fight my own demons. I thought i was a strong person. But looking at me yearning for a love which won’t come back to me i am ashamed at myself. I try not to feel this way. But i am helpless.
I can not talk to my family about this nor my friends. So i am simply faking everything is fine and smile and hide it. Stuck at home with this pandemic and i don’t know how to let the stress out.
I don’t wanna let her go. It is also painful to hold onto her. The biggest mistake i made is investing my feelings for a relationship with uncertainty. I can not stop blaming myself for that. My world is broken. I am not the kind and sweet person i used to be before anymore. I feel like i am changing.
Today is her birthday. I called her at 12 at night to wish her. She didn’t pick up. She said she was in family group call. But for that moment i waited all day. I counted every single minute. And when she didn’t pick up, i broke into tears. I understand bout what happened. I shouldn’t feel sad, she was prioritizing her family. She called me back a little while after. But i didn’t pick up since i was crying. I feel like a bad person for getting angry and the worst part is i no longer have a right to get angry. And i never ever got angry at her before also. But i didn’t show her that n messaged her normally. I didn’t wanna ruin her birthday. But that moment i won’t forget till i die. I felt so unimportant to the person i love the most.
I wish i could escape from how devastated i am feeling right now. If only i could…
Holding onto her is painful. But i see no other choice. She is too precious for me to let go or to be forgotten. Simply trying to deal with the pain n get through it.