Not sure if this is emotional abuse, but I think it is.

I’m writing here to try and get some new perspectives on a problem my girlfriend is encountering. We are a happy couple in our mid twenties, pretty social people, we get along with everyone, and we have a lot of friends. Some of her friends, however, have a tendency to forget about my girlfriend in situations where she should obviously be included.

The concrete example at hand is a facebook group that she and 8 other girls are part of. It is a book-club sort of thing, and my girlfriend has attended a couple of them, and also held a meeting at our appartment (we made amazing food). One of the girls (A) just posted an invitation (in form of a post in the group) to a new event, more like a party this time. And in the comments beneath A tries to trigger a response by tagging the names of all the girls that hadn’t responded except for my GFs.

- My GF is not super close with this group as a friend, but enjoy being invited to things and feeling like a part of something.
- Two of her very closest friends from childhood are in this group, and they were tagged in this comment.
- It is not the first time my GF’s been left out by this group of people. They arranged a trip to a cabin where there simply wasn’t enough room; it hurts being the one left behind.

? how do I help in this situation? I get so pissed off on her behalf, because my GF is the most caring and kind and interesting person I know (she has a tendency to put other people before her in conversations, being very active in listening, and thus not coming very forward with her personality.) And I think some of these girls appear to have very shallow values, or I don’t know, but some of them have this coolness that screams high-school hierarchy, if you know what I mean. My GF is so much more grown up than that, so why does she have to deal with this?

? Why the hell isn’t her close friends stepping up? At least one them (B) is actually really lovely, and I think it’s a matter of “not making a big deal out of things, I’m sure they just forgot”, but I think it’s messing with my GF, and I really want to call B and shake her.


1 reply

This reminds me of the classic high school cliques. But I’d like to address the pain point. Your ultimate motive is how your girlfriend feels. And you want her to feel good, and probably hang out with people who appreciate her worth. From the sound of it, she sounds like a lovely, sunshiney soul. I feel horrible that she’d get neglected like that. But from experience, I have seen the nicest, sweetest people get sidelined just because people test their limits because they feel that they would never act out. You can’t change her nature, and she is who she is. It’s what makes her unique. But what you can do is ask her how it affects her, and you can tell her how it affects you to see her being treated this way. The facebook group girls just sound downright immature and there’s no point in engaging with them at all, they’re not worth it. You should ask your girlfriend why these set of friends matter to her when clearly she doesn’t matter to them as much. I’m sure (B) is also caught up in the same drama and is perhaps lacking better judgement. So, your best option is to keep communication between you and your girlfriend open so that she knows she can confide in you. She should know that you’re there for her and that if she feels upset, she can freely share with you. Try to listen and understand what she’s saying without inferring too much, or keeping your own opinions first. Try to understand what she’s doing and why she’s doing it if it does not give her joy. I think that will really help. All this while, keep in mind that most of the world stopped growing after high school, and continued the clique culture for God alone know what reason. It is futile and shallow and their opinions on friendships are literally squat. So, don’t worry about that. There isn’t any real friendship between any of those facebook friends. It’s all about the image and toying with people’s emotions for fun.

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