Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

My self esteem is really fucking low. I’m pissed. Really fucking pissed. I don’t know what to do. I usually write very formally here but I don’t really feel like anymore. Now I’m just blabbing. But I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m good at things. I’m good at dancing, writing, art. But somehow I’m not able to prove that people because people are fucking ?bullshit. They will always form opinions and thoughts about you. Judge you. But who am I to say, I judge people like crazy. Because of my previous bitchy friend group, I always thought that judging and forming opinions on people was normal. But, IT’S NOT. And now it’s like I have become that person I never wanted to be. That goofy, geeky, awkward, overly conscious person that everyone judges and most probably doesn’t like. And I also regret and overthink so much. I wish I could just fuck it and move on. But I can’t. I overthink to the point where I only blame myself for things. I’ve started hating myself. I’m the exact person I never wanted to be. And deep down I know that a better, smarter, maturer side of me exists. It’s just that I’m not able to bring that out. Only because I’m so fucking underconfident and sacred of the fact that people are going to judge me. They’ll think of me as a dumb, awkward, good for nothing person. A weird negative character. Sometimes, I tell myself that people are stupid and that I don’t have to meet their expectations or their standards, I rather exceed their standards. But other times, I give in and feel like I’m a total loser. A mess. And I overthink and overthink and fucking overthink all the fucking time. Like I still remember the time I messed up a senior’s slambook. I wrote horribly, in pathetic handwriting. And she clearly did not want me to write so much, as much as I had. And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t remember or care about it anymore, but I still do. Still. And occasionally, these thoughts and regrets pop into my mind and I start crying. And it’s crazy how they affect me. As if it’s the end of the fucking world. I’m always just trying to prove to all the bloody people around me that I’m capable and I’m smart, and fun and cool. But I’ll never be able to do that. Instead, I’ll just make a fucking fool out of myself and regret it later. I don’t know what’ll