Thought

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Anonymous

My father confuses anger with kindness. Growing up, I’ve always been closer to my mother as my father has always had a bad and short temper. I started to realize how talking to him about my feelings became extremely difficult as a teenager. He will never understand - I repeat to myself everytime I think about blurting everything out to him. I know this is bad, but I’ve bottled up my thoughts about him and our relationship for so long.

The way he treats me, I don’t feel loved. Unlike most girls who see their father as a role model or seek for a man like him - I don’t and I never have. In fact, I don’t want to be like my father - toxic and abusive. He doesn’t realise what he says or does really hurts me , even the littlest most pettiest things. I don’t know how to talk to him because we’ve never had that equation from the beginning. At times, he can be very affectionate and nice - when he gets mad - he doesn’t realise what he says like most people. But the damage is already done, and the next day he pretends like a fight/argument never happened - I don’t know how to act because no matter how much I want to hold a grudge against him for being mad at me, I cant. So I move on too. He says to me that he yells at me out of love, for my own wellbeing, he wants to see me do well, etc but I feel that he is confusing his anger with kindness and using that as a justification as the emotional abuse I’ve had to deal with for years. I know its normal to have fights with your parents but recently, I feel that I have reached my limit with my father. I feel happy when he’s not around in the house, more than when he is. This is an unconscious feeling, I don’t want to feel like this.I want to love him like all children love their father. I don’t feel like talking to him at all nowadays and even he is starting to realise that. Infact today, he came into my room to ask about my day and how my studies are going - but it feels like a burden to me when he does. I want to amend our relationship before I leave to university…but how…

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Profile picture for Now&Me member @melody
@melody

i know how hard this is for you likewise my father is also same i have never accept the fact he loved me cause every-time i try to remember only i remember is hitting while my mistakes were so innocence i know he did that for me my future but all i did was to hate him up-to now i want to love the way like others like my friends love their parents a lot i also wanted to but all i get was insulted anger and that even make me more hate other than love now i am putting my efforts for what i feel and tell them even if they don’t like i just open up myself no lies nothing as they are parents they will understand us clearly more than anyone else even though they wont understand about my love relation with someone out of my caste well its not the matter so just try to motivate urself and speak up say what u feel just dont make it burden to urself open up whatever is bothering u if u hide it now u wont be able to comfort urself with ur parents

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