Hi diary, I am back with my weird thoughts, I am gonna share my journey of experiencing selfless love. Love is a great feeling, your emotions depending on somebody else’s emotions, your feelings getting reciprocated by someone else.
But what is loving selflessly? I feel or what I have experienced is, when you love someone selflessly, it means that you are willing to love them even if they don’t love you back the way you expect or treat you the way that other people do. You should be willing to put your feelings aside and ignore any discomfort you feel because love is something we give freely, not selfishly.
But diary, it takes a lot of strength to love someone if you feel you are going to love selflessly. It drains your mind and you need to put more energy to focus on things and to remind yourself the reason behind loving selflessly.
It makes me feel so confused sometimes, I think a lot I believe, I talk to myself a lot about my emotions, I somehow manage to stay strong in front of all.
You know, I know everything, my side, the other side, I understand everything, my side and the other side, I have accepted all the realities, and when it struck me again, I am again fine with it. If I talk about my problem, I don’t have any problem, it’s just my insecurity that I or my love might get taken for granted but still I want to go over it and keep loving, I do sometime express what I feel but I cannot do that 100%, I restrict myself by sharing only the half because of feeling of getting judged.
Yes, indeed this feeling of possibility of being taken for granted, discomfort. The feeling, ki agar meri jagah wo hoti toh kya wo bhi ese hi treat hoti? Kya usko kuch special milta? Kya wo hmesha special feel karti? Whether the other person would have been the same with her? Kya wo relationship bhi esa hi hota jesa mera hai? But it is so harmful for me to think all this, coz it gives me chest pain, makes me feel uneasy, but anyways I just pause it after saying to myself let it be, but again after sometime I start thinking the same, I want to get rid of these insecurities.
I try to do my best to make him feel special and to get his love all the time, to be in his mind all the time, to make him love me the way I love him. Being madly in love with me. But what if whatever I do has been already experienced by him with someone else, maybe nothing is new in my efforts and he has already got those special efforts and he might not notice what I do. Also, because I cannot communicate it all, I struggle a lot on my own.
This insecurity is taking my sleep, I fear every night about losing him to somebody else, that someone is taking him away from me or he is leaving me for someone else, how do I get rid of this? The dreams are very painful. I struggle a lot to keep him mine, I respect him a lot, I respect his situation, what do I do with myself, even after all this confusion, the more I look at him, the more I fall in love, the more I fall in love the more my fear increases.