Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

life is terrible. i cant imagine how bad it is for others and thats why i tend to keep things to myself. but sometimes it hurts - scratch that, it hurts all the time. a lot of times when i meet people and be myself (i.e. giving them stuff and treating them to cards and food and just being really nice), they always step over me and use me because i have money and expect me to keep doing and i can’t handle it. because of that i dont really have much friends and the ones i did have i moved away from. i moved away cause i couldn’t take living in that house full of people who i always had to wonder about my worth to them. the house full of someone who thought it was okay to touch you while you were asleep and touch you when they were drunk and watch you from your window while you changed. it wasn’t all too bad but my life was getting nowhere. i was feeling so trapped. i couldnt even be comfortable in my own house without someone watching. another part was the toxic relationship i had. he used me for my body and my money and my love. in turn i barely got anything back. it wasnt all that bad but i never got the same treatment. it really hurt for 4 years of going back and forth on that. although i forgive him, the trauma i get because of my body being used against me… it always gets me. im not a big fan of sex because of that. because of that trauma i cant even look at myself. standards in life is so high. people will always judge you for what you have and what you wear but never for who you are. financially struggling and constantly worrying if your family can make ends meet is also very stressful. because of constant overtimes and spending time with others more than you, you feel left out of the picture. like you’re the only one in your family. i had my mom leave me when i just turned 8. i never knew my father and so i lived with my grandma (god bless her). it was a hard life not getting anything you want. because they constantly were gone and never was home, you feel neglected, worthless, and unloved. because of those developed feelings, it turned against me in my relationships. i was always too clingy and overprotective… i cared and asked about you. i would spam always. i checked up on you and i spoiled you. i do have bad tempers only during gaming tho (who doesn’t). i guess just being like that is too much for someone. but i dont really need much. i just want your love and attention and for you to genuinely talk and care about me. because of my past, my relationship now is crumbling. i know they love me yet i constantly need reassurance. they work hard and they have priorities and im sure they get tired because of that and i understand. but sometimes i dont wanna always have to understand why im being put second or third or last on their agenda. i wanna be a priority to someone while they do their own things sometimes. i wanna be important for once yenno? and lately i haven’t been getting that and its starting to trigger my major depression i had a while back. im always getting suicidal thoughts now and feelings of not being important or it would be better for everyone if i werent here and you know what? it’s starting to weigh heavily on me (which would explain why im even writing this paragraph anonymously on this site and others. i just want someone to vent to that gets it. and for once i wanna cry on someone’s shoulders and be held so tightly it’ll fix all the crumbling shattered pieces of me. just maybe…