It’s kinda amazing to see now that I’m finally working on myself to be better and change my mind patterns, how comfortable I feel in my negative space of mind due to my accomodation in it. I’ve been there for so long I made a home I shouldn’t have. Trying to get out of it it’s so difficult because I don’t think it’s right, it makes me feel weak and embarrassed and uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I self-sabotage myself by feeling guilty and shame for trying to get out and change, for trying to not live miserable for once. It’s so hard it makes me want to give up, and that’s why I feel lucky that I found myself, my true self and can grab into it so I have the enough strength to get out.
I always thought that those bad feelings, self-sabotaging thoughts and miserability was part of myself. That was me, there was no point of getting out because that it’s what it makes me. I couldn’t escape myself after all because I’m me, and that all together made my life a living hell. From outside and inside. It made me pity myself, bitter, sad and angry. I took years of trying, giving up, and all over again. The painful cycle. But I want to believe I did it… I found pieces of myself in all that dark water. None of that bad shit defined me, I’m not the exaggeration of evil that my mind created of myself. I’m so much more than that, I’m capable of a lot… I’m believing. I’m healing. It’s beautiful.
Of course, this is life. My cycle of healing is just beginning, and I’m sure my path will be difficult, but I finally found the strength to begin. A strength to keep going. To break the cycle to change my patterns of mind.
Healing is a process that I never thought I could reach but I’m starting and I’m happy for it. I’m believing, which is important too. I got something to hold on, and that’s me. It’s painful, uncomfortable, embarrassing. But it’s beautiful. And if I have to go through that journey no matter how long it takes to reach my best self, then heck yeah I will go through all of that to reach it.