I was tested positive for covid-19 along with my grandparents 3 days back and being quarantined to my room gave me time to think about the hellhole I call home and life. My parents are making an effort to provide everything we require for our comfort but sometimes I feel that if my grandparents weren’t positive for covid then they wouldn’t have been doing half the things they are doing. I am responsible to check regular temperatures and oxygen level of my grandparents ( keep in mind that I was never close to them as they only ever treated my brother as their grandkid and remembered me only when they needed to get some work done) so my father always acts like even when I will get better I have continue these responsibilities not paying attention to my health. I basically have no friends as we moved to a new place last year and all the people I know are just from my online class who I am not friends with as I am not really social and have social anxiety. My old friends are busy with lives and I don’t blame them for not keeping in contact with me.
For me my dad used to be the most important person who actually treated me like I mattered. My mom used to physically abuse me when I was younger ( I am 16 now) cause she suspected my dad of having an affair with my friend’s mom and claimed it was my fault. This abuse turned verbal over the years but last year she finally treated me like her daughter. This some days made me realise that I always thought of my mom as a villian bit is she as bad as my dad who disguises as an angel in front of me but is real player of the game and my mother was just a pawn. The brother always warned me about this but I guess I was blind to his toxicity due to the love and respect in my heart for him which is now down the drain. My brother only cares our father’s money which I don’t want a single penny of but he had admitted that he could even kill me to keep the money.
I never really had a love life.Crushes? yes but serious boyfriend?NO. I acted that love is waste of time and I love my single life in front of my commited friends who came to me with their love issues but in reality I am just afraid of getting my heart broken into pieces. I don’t want to be more emotionless than I already am and my ‘i-don’t-give-a-fuck’ doesn’t help.
I don’t know what I will do after recovery bit i know after my mental breakdown today some things won’t be the same for some period of time. I don’t even know if I wanna live anymore cause who is there to live for when I resent everybody out there and the person I hate the most is myself.
I know exactly how you feel. I almost killed myself a few days ago. Because of similar feelings. But I didn’t. Because the reason why I live is people out there like you. I live to help other people and the good karma goes around. I don’t know what to say, chances are I’m saying the wrong thing, so I’m sorry. But please look after yourself. You matter, so so much and I know what it’s like to feel hate, especially hating yourself. It helps to just sit outside and breath. Just know that you’re not the villain you or other people think you are. In fact, you can be whatever you chose to be. You just gotta live to see it :) I’m here for you if you wanna talk.
jay @jay12
Hey calm down everything things will get better
I wish things get better for you.
Just remember HE (god) is always with you. His grace will help you pass this as well, just have faith in him.
May god bless you
