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Anonymous

I want to share an incident.

I had a boyfriend whom I love . We went through some rough patches past 1&half a year,and I did some horrible mistakes,so our relationship got strained. So we broke up . After 2days of breakup, I went out with a friend,he was the same guy who was kinda responsible for my breakup. During dating,I used to text with this guy a lot and we became very close. We even started flirting with each other which was very wrong I accept. We even discussed about fantasies of each other,all of this which I couldnt take the guilt so I told my boyfriend.He got very furious…and it let to a lot of heartbreaking fights,but we somehow sorted it out and were doing good. But that guy entered my life again.and this time I had to finally breakup with my boyfriend cause of him.
Now the thing is when I went out with this guy,something happened,and Im not sure of whether it was an assault or not.
He asked me out for a movie,me being lonely in nature,thought I could use someone ,so I agreed. We went to watch a horror movie,and I could tell he was trying to make a move,but I didnt resist,I sat simply. But the atmosphere felt wrong. Even before the movie could start,he pulled me towards him and started kissing,and oh god I felt terrorized. I didnt like him kissing me at all. I felt I just got stuck in some bad horrible atmosphere and I wanted to run. A group of boys sitting beside us saw that and started passing comments like”aye put flash…lets see the fun too”. And by this I felt very uncomfortable and I just wanted to get up and go. He continued doing stuff…he was staring at my cleavage the whole time…and he put his hands in between my thighs and started squeezing my genitals. I guess he thought I was finding it pleasurable, but I didnt know how to tell him to stop,I thought I would seem rude or like a total idiot,so I just sat there horrified,but after sometime…I finally did push away his hand and told him I wanted to get out of the theatre. We did so and went to my car…where he pulled me again to kiss and while doing so he tried to rip my top to fondle my breasts,and I had to push him away. But the thing is he stopped when I asked him to. That day I got home,I felt completely disgusted and filthy. The next day I cried(just a bit) hugging my friend. Now the thing is ,even though we had talked about such stuff, but when he actually started doing it, I felt very uncomfortable, and the environment just felt very unsafe. Now idk if I felt bad and uncomfortable because of the guilt that I was hurting my boyfriend or because I felt kinda violated. I started regretting breaking up with my boyfriend cause I felt very safe with him,but did not so with this guy. After 2days of that me and my boyfriend reached out to each other coincidentally, and no lies now,I had to tell him everything. The moment I started telling stuff,without even letting me complete…he started crying and shouting,and it went to a hurtful level.He called me all kinds of cheap stuff,slut-shamed me(which I deserve i guess) and spoke some horrible stuff, but I dont blame him,he has all rights to do that.he refused to get back with me,but when I told him the whole stuff,he took some time and got back with me. He also apologized for all the harsh words he had spoken. He even offered to thrash that guy for doing that to me, but I refused and pleaded him a lot to not do that,as it would just make my life worse. But his words left a very deep scar in me,I used to think about it all time and induce more shame and guilt in me. I started shutting down emotionally,I couldnt express anything to people even though I wanted to. I felt numb and empty and hopeless. I used to get irritated and trigerred at small stuff and started arguing with my boyfriend everyday,but he kept his patience. I did not like the version that I had become, I didnt like to constantly argue with my boyfriend,make him apologize all the time. I felt completely detached from the world and started forgetting a lot of stuff.Whenever my boyfriend used to touch me physically, i used to avoid it. We were once the couple who couldnt keep their hands of each other, but now his mere touch started making me uncomfortable. I stopped desiring sex completely and even the mere thought of it made me feel disgusted. I felt very bad for avoiding my boyfriend,as any of this was not his fault,and he didnt deserve the treatment I had to give him. I always had issues accepting his physical flaws(he’s very chubby),but I used to really try and never make him feel bad about that,for a while I did started accepting it,but i dont know what happened,whenever my boyfriend used to kiss me, I used to feel very uncomfortable and push him away. We lost all emotional connection and intmacy, and I started doubting whether all of this was happening cause of that incident or cause I was not able to accept my boyfriend’s physical flaws. Its been 4months since the incident ,and I still dont know whether I was assaulted or not.I just want to know was it an assault,or am I exaggerating. Im done crying in confusion. Anyone please help

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3 replies
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Anonymous

After read this i felt u r the one who make things wrost im not judging you but there is honestly in every relationship and when u cross that line u make things wrose and u did and about that assault i think someone use force on you and ofcourse it is kind of assault and also u never protest about it and that is another thing that make your situation worst and now u need to accept your situation that u crossed lines and make things quite messy after that first u need to clear things with your bf and also about anyone other because it is somehow problematic for u and ur bf because of your actions and u r still in shock due to that incident accept it and move on

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Anonymous

We did clear things.But I dont feel like doing anything physical with him,which is causing all intimacy problems

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