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@ewspurts

i want to cut myself. i wanted to when my mom married my abusive ex stepdad but i didnt. i wanted to kill him, run away, or die. but i cant leave my mom or god. and i hate when people say killing yourself is pathetic it makes me want to do it even more. i mean i wont just because i care about god so much. and ive also masterbated which i feel terrible about. idc if people say it’s natural. for me i hate it. and now i wish i didnt do it and i feel bad for god. and i know i can be forgiven but im in a state where i cant get it out of my head. i only masterbated cuz some girl when i was little made me watch her. and then i got curious. i barely did it tho. but recently i met a guy and i got excited and bought a dildo and used it and now i hate myself. i dont want to talk to him anymore either. idk how i feel about him. hes addictive. its not like hes an abuser. but like he bribes me with “ill only say i love you tomorrow if you sleep rn.” idk. and he bought me things. so now im like tied to him. but its not even that. i dont want to talk to ANYBODY. and my boss is nice but he always wants us to be cleaning. and it makes me nervous when i want a break to eat. so then i scarf my food down and get back to scrubbing walls if there r no customers bit i feel like puking. im tired of constantly thinking about “i wonder if ive stood too long, maybe i shpuld do this…” idk how to explain it. i just dont wanna think and be paranoid at work. and i hate my moms new bf. there just isnt a connection between me and him. and my moms choice of men is terrible which is making me hate men. WHICH IS STUPID. now i want to be lesbian but i dont want to cuz of my religion. and i hate when people say its a lie that being lesbian is sinful. like i respect their opinions but they try to convince me which is annoying. and ugh i absolutely hate my math teacher. he acts all high and mighty and is intimidating. says like “you think i dont have problems either?” like bruh i didnt say that sk dont put down others feelings when u feel bad too. its okay to feel bad. i just hate math. for some reason math teachers r highly aggressive. anyway back to cutting. ive tried through the 7 years my mom was married to my ex step dad. but i just cried instead. but this year it feels different. its not soley one person whos making me feel sad. do i even feel sad? idk. lost? idk. i feel like nothing. idc anymore. i wanted success but quarantine makes it hard to do anything. ive started to over eat. ive gone from like 108 lbs to 140. and im 4’11. people say i dont look fat tho. i hate when people say that. its about how i feel not how they feel about me. losers. jk they arent. but i want to call them that rn. you know i think of all the times ive accidentally been cut. how it was so easy and painless. but when i try to take the kitchen knives to my arm i cant press hard enough. so then i took my nail clippers instead and have just been roughly scratching myself quickly. but i just have the urge to feel and watch the soothing cut across my soft skin. itd be so relieving. ik it would. ik it would make me relieved. i have the feeling. i want to. i wish i had sharper knives. too bad. i feel bad for god too since im sinning rn just thinking about it. i really want to cut myself. to watch the blood run run down my white forearm. to feel the sting. it sounds so pleasing. wow this is long and ive only talked about how i feel during one week of quarantine.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @st1199
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Profile picture for Now&Me member @johnthejohn
4 replies
Profile picture for Now&Me member @st1199

Simran @st1199

Hi again!
Please don’t do this to yourself. Cutting your arms will ONLY and ONLY harm you and nobody else who is demotivating you or with whom you are angry.
I strongly urge you to have a chat with a therapist as cutting hands and feeling good about it, is not right at all. And after having one to one with an expert, you’ll feel better and have a better perspective. There are numbers provided on this Website as well, you can have a conversation :)

Talk to your mother, tell her how you feel, she will try to understand your point of view and maybe then it will become better. Wanting to become a Lesbian is not wrong, it should be a choice as to how we feel for someone and how to proceed with it. I am with you. Be whatever and whoever you want to be.
Gaining weight will lead to health issues, so exercise a little bit (30min to start with) and your mind and body will feel much better, I promise. You can workout through finding videos on Instagram/YouTube.

Anonymous

as you already know slicing any part of your body is wrong and whatever reasons you feel it’s wrong up to you. SO,DON’T DO IT.
I’m writing this message to only educate you on few things. honest to god , I don’t want to mock you.
1. sexuality should be celebrated. you masturbated using a dildo or a carrot, nobody cares. what you should care about is, did you as the person experiencing it have enjoyed it or not. God is not the only important thing in 2020.
2.It is not a choice or an option to become a lesbian. if you are genuinely attracted to a girl, then sure you might be a lesbian but keeping it as a choice is wrong.
3.your gaining weight should not mean anything to your self esteem. you are literally body shaming yourself. 2020 has been a tough year so it is okay to gain weight. try to love yourself more and I mean in every way.
I wish you find all the happiness in the world

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Anonymous

There are a lot of issues you’ve listed here, it’s very hard to unpack them all. So I’ll just try to touch on a few things you mentioned.

1. Don’t feel bad for wanting to cut. Feeling bad about the urge won’t help! The tension this creates might make you feel worse. Lots of people have the urge to cut, it’s totally understandable. It’s not healthy to cut, but it’s understandable WHY you’d want to. There are plenty of resources online for people who cut to get help specifically for that. Try doing some research when you’re feeling a little better.

2. Killing yourself isn’t pathetic. It’s entirely understandable to want to escape suffering and unhappiness. It sounds like you’re Christian. In the story of ‘Job’ in the Old Testament, Job is suffering terribly and at times says openly that he wishes he could just die or even never have been born at all. Ultimately God answers Job and defends Job as having maintained righteousness, God UNDERSTANDS everything and everyone, so God did not condemn or yell at Job for wanting to die. That said, I don’t think killing yourself is necessarily the solution. It’s ultimately your choice, but especially at your age you don’t yet know what the future has in store for you, it could open out, you could gain more freedom in time and find great happiness. In other words, killing yourself may be understandable but it doesn’t solve the problems in the world you’re facing.

3. Ask yourself - what makes you believe masturbation is a ‘sin’? What teaching is this based on? In my own religious belief - there is nothing inherently wrong with masturbation. Is it ideal? Is it healthy? These are complex questions, but feeling bad or shameful or feeling as if you’ve upset or hurt God by masturbating is wrong-headed. God created us to experience love INCLUDING the pleasure that comes from sex, masturbation is just a sort of incomplete expression of that. In my understanding, God does not want you to feel bad about masturbating.

4. When it comes to your work and boss, here’s something everyone in life has to learn - BE ASSERTIVE OF YOUR BASIC RIGHTS, and taking lunch breaks or toilet breaks is entirely legitimate, and there is nothing saying you can’t eat during a toilet break. This is an opportunity for you to start asserting your basic rights. Take your food breaks, take your toilet breaks, and don’t apologise for it. If your boss starts getting on your back about it, explain calmly that you’ve been genuinely keeping to within your breaks, you work when you’re supposed to work, etc. If your boss is still unreasonable - then the situation is bad and you should if possible leave and find a job elsewhere, if it won’t drop you into sudden poverty.

5. It’s totally okay to sometimes lapse into hating men or hating another race or something like that because of bad experiences, so long as you don’t then express that too much by hurting innocent people. It’s just the way our brains work, by association. Ultimately you don’t have much control over who your mum dates, you should protect yourself first of all, try to avoid them if they’re abusive, be prepared to seek help from anyone you know if you’re ever abused. At the end of the day there are plenty of terrible evil women too, but every human was once an innocent child at the pressures of the world have shaped them into who they are, so try your best to be patient and as accepting as you can be without letting other people oppress or hurt you.

6. Nothing wrong with liking the same gender. God transcends gender. If you believe in gender essentialism because of the Bible, you’re getting the wrong teachings from people who don’t know what tf they are talking about. Adam and Eve is not about physical gender. Nor are there such things as talking snakes! It’s a symbolic message about God’s love and ideal. In reality most people at one point or another are attracted to people of the same sex. God is not angry at this. The other parts of scripture that HUMANS have INTERPRETED to be anti-gay are just there to trip up those people who are too quick to judge others. Ultimately you’ll decide for yourself, God created feminine beauty and sexiness just as God created male beauty and sexiness, and ultimately it’s all just a continuum. Our bodies react to triggers and ‘signals’ from other people’s bodies, and these are genderless. Don’t feel bad. Yes I have just tried to convince you, the very thing you complain about, but this is an important point. God does not condemn people for their attraction, believing so will only harm you.

7. The ‘pleasure’ or sensations you get from cutting might feel good and might relax you, but ultimately it damages your body and poses serious risk of causing you even more unhappiness, so you should probably try to find OTHER things you can do to manage stress and feel good (that aren’t drugs or reckless sex or harming people etc). There are strenuous exercises and stretching that can give you SOMEWHAT of a good feeling without damaging you badly. There’s rigorous controlled exercise. There are way to slowly manage your stress and not allow yourself to get overwhelmed to the point of needing to cut. I’m no expert on cutting though so look around for answers.

These are all just suggestions, hope something helps a little.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @johnthejohn

Ana Banach @johnthejohn

Dear ewspurts,
Okay, so I know you don’t like it when people saying being lesbian isn’t sinful. I’ll try and work around that. In the Bible, it mentions a MAN being with a man being bad. I believe, I’ve never read it. But it never says anything about a woman and a woman. Have you told your boss how you feel? He may be able to help. Or your mother? Does she know how much pain you’re in? I know blood pleases some people, but what happens when there’s none left in you to watch seep out because you’ve cut yourself so much? I don’t know if this is okay for me to say, but I don’t know how else to try and get to you. If God really loves you, then He will let you be who you need to be. He will allow you to fall in love with whomever you want. He will take away the urge to cut yourself. He will help you. And God will always be there to say, “Lift your head up, dear. Everything’s going to be okay.”
Stay safe.

Best of luck.

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