I just realised how inactive my life became when I tried to exercise - climb our 10-steps stair for a couple of times - for hiking this weekend ugggghh 

Physical Health

Pain continues....

I don't know how people get through break up pains. It has been 3 weeks since i broke up with my gf. But it still hurts. I just cry randomly. I feel like my love meant nothing. We broke up because we won't get accepted by our families. She n me still in love. But she started taking her space now. To get through this pain.she is not someone vocal bout what she going through like me. She has different ways of dealing with it. But her ways hurt me. It makes me feel like i am a useless person which i know i am not. I know my worth. But it's funny how in an instance you can lose your confidence, and make you hate yourself.


My world turned upside down. I don't know what i should do. Everytime i think i am over it, i realize i really am not. I am just convincing myself that i am fine. I stopped telling her how i feel also coz i don't want to look like a child. A clingy person. I don't want to burden herself with the pain my heart feels. 

I am trying to fight my own demons. I thought i was a strong person. But looking at me yearning for a love which won't come back to me i am ashamed at myself. I try not to feel this way. But i am helpless.

I can not talk to my family about this nor my friends. So i am simply faking everything is fine and smile and hide it. Stuck at home with this pandemic and i don't know how to let the stress out.

I don't wanna let her go. It is also painful to hold onto her. The biggest mistake i made  is investing my feelings for a relationship with uncertainty. I can not stop blaming myself for that. My world is broken. I am not the kind and sweet person i used to be before anymore. I feel like i am changing. 

Today is her birthday. I called her at 12 at night to wish her. She didn't pick up. She said she was in family group call. But for that moment i waited all day. I counted every single minute. And when she didn't pick up, i broke into tears. I understand bout what happened. I shouldn't feel sad, she was prioritizing her family. She called me back a little while after. But i didn't pick up since i was crying. I feel like a bad person  for getting angry and the worst part is i no longer have a right to get angry. And i never ever got angry at her before also. But i didn't show her that n messaged her normally. I didn't wanna ruin her birthday. But that moment i won't forget till i die. I felt so unimportant to the person i love the most.

I wish i could escape from how devastated i am feeling right now. If only i could...

Holding onto her is painful. But i see no other choice. She is too precious for me to let go or to be forgotten. Simply trying to deal with the pain n get through it.



Breakup

It kinda sucks when no one replies to your posts :(

Lonely

If you are agreeing to help someone or to talk to them that doesn't mean it will end up in some relation or the person you helped with things should kept on talking to you. This app is for help. And I feel no regret in letting go off people who helped me once but I can't talk to them forever. 

3am Thoughts

It's been a while i post a message there , but I want to say something to someone but can't say. I realised the hard reality that ki sb yhn pe apne mtlb ke hote h , jb unka mn krenge tb bolenge , jb nhi krega tb nhi bolenge 

Anxiety

In your parents asking you to unpack and double check if you've kept everything, as you pick up your bags to leave for another city. In a chat box at 12AM, seeing the other person type even after you've said goodnight. At a friend's birthday dinner, when you're ready to leave and they call for round two of desserts. At a cousin's place, where you're ready to go but your aunt insists that you charge your phone first.

The most lovable thing about love really, is the fact that it always finds a way to ask you to stay, just a little longer.

Affirmations

The doctor who lived in room next to me , she had been asking for holiday for last two days as her father was sick but ..she finally got off from covid duties and same day she got a call that her father passed away. Her father had liver disease and covid. She called me I went to her room and I hugged her. She first stood still and then began shaking so bad and cried so badly that I got teared up and began crying with her. It's very very painful and she was Screaming "BEING A DOCTOR I COULDN'T SAVE MY OWN DAD",  she said that she couldn't even see him once.... and to be honest most people don't realise this but yes we sacrifice so much for our duties. This is just one example. Yet news of assault on doctors like it happened in Assam recently breaks our morale. My all family got positive last year in first wave.and I was here doing covid duties. I was dead worried and yet I didn't get a day off. I was told to find a replacement first which I couldn't get. Then I would only instruct my dad on phone about what to do. And when my covid duty finally ended my dad had already recovered. I missed my nephew's first birthday. On my own 26th birthday last year I was doing night duty and my friends got a cake and I cut that in ward and distributed rest to patients admitted. 
I just feel like people of this country should visit government hospitals if they haven't already and see how we work . It's hard. I don't want any praise or be like you guys are hero.
No I don't want that!
I just want .. ALL MY FELLOW INDIANS to ask more part of GDP to be spent on healthcare.
More money to be spent on better infrastructure for hospitals.
In covid duty one of my patients fever won't go down. So I thought about changing antibiotic. The antibiotic he was on was ceftriaxone and sulbactam , I tried changing it to piptaz the nurse said piptaz is not available(NA) , I asked for clindamycin again NA , I asked for meropenam she said doctor only ceftriaxone is there. Nothing else. I felt so helpless. I kne meropenam two vials come for 800 rs so I asked the patients husband to buy it from outside he came after 30minites saying it's being sold for 5000 outside. So after my shift u drove to medical shop and asked for it and he gave it to me for 800 and then I got so mad at him and I said if I send my patients family members here don't you charge extra! 
Then finally meropenam was available at third floor icu not at my floor so I would send a ward boy to steal it from there for my patients.
Doctors in india go beyong limits for their patients it's not just me. Especially resident doctors in government hospitals. We don't like to be called godS but just please if you see a doctor getting assaulted step in , save them before it's too late. ! Many are planning to leave India and settle abroad and trust me without doctors and health care india would be nothing but gobar and gaumutra. 


COVID-19

New to a place feels odd at first. Waiting for a hand to help through the way.....

I an finding a special one but still on i can't find i will find him 😔

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts