Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I have been on a “cut” or let’s say a “diet” since quite some time now. And there have been times where I just go all out, binge 5000 calories in one go and regret it later. Earlier, I used to just live with it, the guilt of eating over my calorie intake and that was fine. I would go back to my normal intake the next day. But since the past few weeks another sort of guilt has taken over me. I have started to purge my food out, intentionally. It’s happened with me 3 times now. After the first 2 times, I promised myself that I would not do it again. But I did. And the worst part is that the 3rd time, it was pre-planned. While I was binge eating desserts and what not, the thought “oh i’ll just vomit this out later” came to my mind. That is where it got tricky. I did not vomit because I was feeling sick. But I had pre-planned it that Yes I would stuff myself with food and then just simply go and vomit it. I got these feelings only because I have been feeling extremely lean since the past 2 weeks. I wake up in the morning and see myself in the mirror, leaner than the day before, no bloating. So, when i was eating, this “fear” took over me that oh god I will not feel lean tomorrow morning and that i’d gain weight. But I still needed to eat the food I was eating. I couldn’t stop myself from eating, it was like my mind knew i should stop but my hands just kept feeding me, even though I was completely full. That’s when, when i was stuffing my face, I planned that okay i’ll just vomit it out. And I did. I am not proud of it at all and I hope that I live upto the promise I made to myself this time.