I don’t really know where to start from about my problems, probably blaming others would be the best it always is, probably because we don’t need to change ourselves when we blame others for the grim in our lives. My friends love to tell me things about myself that I kind of know but never feel like changing, mostly because of my lazy attitude, when I was in school I never thought it in a way that they should accept me like I am, it never bothered me, maybe for like 2 minutes or even less, eventually I started feeling they said those things to shut me up but obviously that never happened for more than 2 minutes, now when I think about it, it’s almost like I was trying to invade their group. I never really knew how to make friends in school and even now I don’t, we generally share moments with people, feeling the same thing as they do, when we do that unknowingly that’s when we make real good friends and bond to some level, I was more like a person who knew the situation if it was sad, bad, happy (I actually hate being happy when everyone has a smile on their face just a default I guess) or whatever but always wanted to be a bit extra just to be cool I guess, I believe that was wrong by me to do, everyone felt the same way and I didn’t let them share this moment, I find these things really cringy to be honest, sometimes I did it just to make them think I was different. Sometimes I feel I wasn’t around people who were like me maybe I didn’t know them very well and I didn’t bother asking them when I noticed something about them, sometimes it was because I didn’t want to bother them and other because I had this habit of hiding things because I lied, it’s an easy answer to pass the question, eventually this lying became a habit because everyone sees it when you’re hiding something, yeah so I was kind of a loner in their eyes. It’s not like I don’t talk to them now but I feel they should’ve told me that we know “you’re hiding” or “you’re clearly lying” to my face maybe not that you’re hiding part because insecurities, but about lying. This really fucks with your mind, you start believing in those lies and create a person in your head, this just pushes you away from your friends and stops you from growing, to become a better version of yourself, now that I think about it I could have been so much better today if someone told me that and maybe help me change myself even a bit I would definitely have been less lazy and know how to deal with situations better, in which you’re supposed to work and not give yourself excuses. That is the biggest problem in life today, being lazy and not doing something you’re supposed to do and then later on getting depressed that you didn’t do it, and then feel lonely because of all those things, that is definitely the wrong way to think about it but you get sick of yourself, it’s like a vicious cycle that breaks you everyday from morning to night. I can tell these things to my friends who are around me now and I don’t think they’ll find it gay because if someone says it to me I’ll definitely find it gay, maybe I need to show more empathy to people around me to get some but this empathy changes everything. At this point of time when I’m in my b.tech third year with a cgpa of 5.4 I don’t think empathy is what I need from this world where people show empathy to people who don’t have an unshakable will and purpose. I talk to some of my school friends sometimes so that helps and we have now and me obviously :)
I can really relate to what you have shared. Often times we dont really understand a situation when we are involved in it. Sometimes it takes time and experience to see a situation for what it really was. Though your feelings of cringe or blaming others or yourself are a instinctive response, I personally would advice you to just observe the situation that has passed and be thankful that younow gain the wisdom u have bcz of that.Also, i am getting a sense that you might have problem starting and maintaining healthy habits for your wellbeing. I would suggest giving the holistic psychologist, Dr Nicole Lepera a chance. Her videos are available on youtube, instagram and her own blog by the same name. Empathizing and self worth have nothing to do with your habits or what you accomplish in life. You are worthy because you are. I hope this made sense and i could be of some help.