Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am from India. I am in a crisis now and I need help. I dont like the life i am leading right now. A life which my parents chose for me, my father precisely. But my father is a good person. But he led a terrible life. His wife, his work atmosphere, his old parents everyone is kind of troubling him. So he thinks he wants me to lead a life of his choice. I have a boyfriend. He is kind of possessive and sensitive yet he loves me a lot. My father doesn’t approve my relationship and wants me to marry someone of his choice. I dont wanna go against him I just wanna tell him about my dreams and boyfriend. I just wanna tell him that his choice of is not something I desire. I love my father a lot. I am afraid that he will get hurt I am afraid that he will see me as a problem. I am really afraid to talk to him. He is judgemental and he has in his mind a way of leading life and he thinks that is right. He is not able to understand the fact that everyone thinks different. Everyone will be different. I just want the courage to talk to my father about my dreams and want him to stop his plans for my marriage. I’m just 21. I have been over protected by my family. I have not seen the outer world. I wanna explore it. And my boyfriend, he too is a good boyfriend. He takes care of me a lot. Loves me very genuinely. But he fails to understand me. I accept that I am partly responsible. Though being in love for 4 years we never had a meeting, meaning we meet daily in college. But in our college girls and boys should not talk. There is no mobile phones allowed. So I have not met him and spoke to him other than college. Our love was only over phone calls and chats. But yet he is a very genuine lover. Only problem he is possessive and takes up my space. He is madly in love with me. He doesn’t think anything other than me. I love him but i am not that “mad”. I tried to explain him he didn’t understand it. Finally I got frustrated and I wanna breakup coz I didn’t find peace in it. That doesn’t mean I dont love him but at the same time i can’t give up myself to be in a relationship. When I said I wanna breakup he went reckless i understand that it is because of love. I have made mistakes in my relationship. It is really common. Now he said he will try to understand me but ultimately blamed me that I only saw his negatives not his love. I really did saw his love. But I didn’t have the peace I felt like I was losing myself. He told me that he will rectify his mistakes and understand me. But ended up blaming me I am the reason for everything. I accept it but now people talk only about my mistakes. Not theirs. My family forced me to talk to the groom of their choice. I told my boyfriend initially about this. He seemed understood but then during a fight he pointed it out and talked ill of me. I was just waiting for a opportunity to talk to my father coz I was leaving away from him until then I have no other choice but to talk to the groom. I wanna say this to my boyfriend and make him understand all this but he never understood and took it on me. I could understand his frustration. I never meant to cheat on him. But he misunderstood it. I never had the intention to cheat him. Talking to the groom they chose was not a very soothing thing for me to do. I was devastated inside doing it. I wanted to die for doing it. He just saw my action not my intention. I just was waiting for a opportunity to talk in a private chamber with my dad so that he could understand. Coz I was in a joint family people would brainwash my dad. And when I got the opportunity I was not able to because of the reasons I told u in the beginning. I really wanna get out of all these things and lead a happy life. But I dont know how to do it. I don’t wanna hurt anybody. I want them to understand my choices of life. When I am willing to understand their situations and sacrificed for it. They could do it too right. Sometimes I just wanna disappear into an oblivion. I dont wanna die. But I feel like doing it.
I wanna scream at my heart and yell at this world my problems and my heart out. I dont even cry or show my worries in my face. Only my bedroom fan and bathroom mirror know all my tears. Nobody wanna ask me how I am feeling. All are concerned about their problems. Their hurt. That’s it.
My boyfriend he knew I am hurt he knew I am suffering but he stresses the fact how much he loves me and took care of me. He fails to think of the part where he did a mistake. Now he is even turning his mistakes into a lot easier one and blames me. Will true love and genuineness cancel of all the other problems a person did uh. And the fact that I am not a expressive person is an issue. People think very low of me. He is kind of thinking that he wants to be with me and marry me in spite of me being doing bad things including wanting to breakup with him.
He thinks that to be a great thing. He says see u did so many mistakes still I wanna be with u love u something which nobody in this 2020 does. That is so sweet of him to do. I appreciate it. But in turn naming me a bad person indirectly is not so cool. The worst part is all these problems happen to me at the same time. Which makes me go insane.
My mom she is affected from schizophrenia for almost 10 years. Even before that she was not a great mom. She had a extra marital affair. She never bothered about me and dad.
She has become so violent now and we are making her take medications for it. She being in this state was a very important reason in me sacrificing a lot of things in my life. My entire college life is damaged as I studied in an insane college. I feel so messed up.
I want help. Please someone help me out of my situation.
Thank you.