I am angry because nothing goes my way, I can't have anything I want, I am starting to lose desire to hang out with anyone, I don't feel like a real person, I could easily be nothing , since I don't have anything

I just posted a huge post. I wasnt up to nor I had an answer yesterfay . I guess here it is 

Anger Issues

Hey! I don’t know how this is gonna help me or if this is gonna help me..but surely it’s worth a try. Past few years have been rough, and I haven’t had a good sleep now for almost a decade. It feels like I’m living a nightmare when I’m awake and when I’m asleep the nightmares get worse. I  can’t talk to anyone about this because for them I’m probably the happiest and chirpy girl around and whenever I tried telling about my feelings to someone..they made me feel like I’m too much. I’ve tried ending it all in the past few times but somehow failed in that too (that’s for good, I guess) I don’t want to end my life but I also got no good reason to stay. It’s just kinda difficult to go through things alone without having even basic interaction with anyone 

Social Anxiety

What I'm scared or afraid of relationship? 
Because nothing remains same. The Voice which excites me, will not someday. The way I'm exciting to get texts from them, someday it will just be Like normal. Whyyy?? I don't want that to happen. I crave for those emotions to feel  excited for someone, whom I feel so attracted that I wanna spend my life with them, I wanna wake up with them, I wanna sleep with them. The smile. The words. The texts. I crave for myself. How I feel. I crave for emotions. 

And I know hitting the Plateu is Part of relationship. Ek saturation aa hi jata hai. And that's what I'm afraid of, idk whyy. I know Pyaar krna aasan hai, but krte rhna tough, and that's what they mean. It becomes much more like Okay she is. And that's it. People just don't feel enough then. 

Relationships

I don't know who needs to hear this but,
LET IT GO...
The more u will keep holding it the more it will hurt and honestly nothing on earth is going to get u that person back cause if he wanted the same he would have never left in the first place.

Someone who knows exactly how it feels to be broken in million pieces and is trying hardest to find those pieces back.


Affirmations

self love?
what is self love?

3am Thoughts

i love kali uchis 

Music

Need to get a job. Don’t want to get a job. 😔

Anxiety

I've always been a quiet person, just me and the mess that sometimes is able to suffocate me. Everyone thinks I'm quiet but I always smile and talk away to the closest people. I'm always talking lately and smiling when I'm in classes with nice teachers or with my teacher who cares about me.

Everything's great around people but when I'm on my own then things turn the other way. Thoughts suffocate me slowly, thoughts about what I shouldn't have said, shouldn't have did, that I should have done this not that, that I looked like a fool. Following that, I'm not happy. I'm always thinking, I am never at peace in my mind because I just keep thinking and thinking. I'm always falling into this, I don't know, I don't smile or feel sad or angry.

I want to be noticed. I've always been quiet in class, never spoke but I have these days where I speak and smile more than I am controlling myself. Everyone thinks I'm happy that everythings great when I think about how tiring this all is and how I just want it all to stop. How I'm just so tired, I barely get through the school week.

I feel disappointed when my teacher thinks I am doing better. Opening up more. Which I have but it always falls back to me and my thoughts when I'm alone or ignored. I want to be noticed. I want attention I've never got from the people I want. But when I get attention I try to run from it or regret it, feeling like I made a fool of myself.

I'm just so tired mentally, I don't know how to not be. 

Exhausted

I live with my parents and today i got scolded  by my dad cause I spent a night at a friend’s house.  I decided to move out and i told my mom wanna move out. She supported me. While we were discussing this my mom told me she doesn’t wanna live here with my dad after i leave. She would wanna go and live in a old age home and take care of the elderly instead. 
It felt like i am the one who is holding my mom back. I don’t know how to feel about this. In one hand my mom would be happy and on the other hand it hurts thats my family won’t be the same.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts