HI! I came out right before the Corona Quarantine (YAY), but I have found that I am still hiding with my parents it feels. I do not know how to be myself with them because I’m scared that I am overwhelming them and it feels like me being gay is still a secret because my mom even said that not everyone needs to know. At first I thought I agreed, but i do not. It sounds silly to say, but I want to be able to do something as little as use the gay hashtag on social media or go to pride without any anxiety surrounding whether people who don’t know, primarily at church and extended family to find out. It feels so tricky and I just don’t want it to always feel like this and I feel like now is me setting the stage for the rest of my life. Honestly I don’t care about what they think myself, but what will happen to their relationships if their friends/fam know i’m gay since i don’t know how they will react. I just want some advice pls
Bani Singh @banisinghvasir
Don’t know if I’m the right person to be advising you, because I’m a cisgender, straight female. However, perhaps I can shed some light on how your mom might be reacting to it. It may be premature to assume that the way I’m thinking, or trying to decipher how she (or the rest of your family, your dad perhaps) feels is accurate, but maybe it gives a little more clarity.First up, congratulations on being able to come out, especially to the people that matter the most. That in itself, I’m sure, is a huge thing lifted off of your chest.
Now, since this might be very new for your parents too, it will take some amount of time and getting used to, for them to be able to completely and wholly accept it and to be able to understand your challenges. So, you will need to give it some time. However, I also agree with the part where you say that this is like setting the stage for the rest of your life, so you cannot just be silent. It’s a tricky balance.
I feel, that perhaps your mother is letting you explore the territory to get used to this new equation where she and your dad are privy to your preference as well. So maybe she wants to make sure that she is able to fully grasp it so that if there is any sort of unpleasantness from other people, she feels capable enough to handle it. There is also the part where they perhaps are not too pleased, at the moment, and so are coming to terms with it. This means that they may seem annoyed or passive-aggressive like that when you’re approaching topics that involve any gayness. It’s alright. As long as there is an honest effort from their side, you have to constantly be bridging the gap too. And that might mean a few unpleasantries in the beginning, but they’ll eventually come around. I’m sure that all they want is to know that their child will be happy, will have a family and be loved, for which their notions or ideas may have been very very different up until now. So, you have to reassure them that you’ll live a good life, be a good person and that this does not change any of that. Ultimately, if I were to summarise, my point is to be persistent, but in small increments. Gauging how much is too much for them, and learning how to put your point across and not get affected by their response, because it is likely that it might be less than satisfactory for quite some time. And I can understand that you wish to show solidarity and be a part of the community, but you’ll have to take each day as it comes and think about taking baby steps. If your parents have gotten this far, they will definitely reach the finish line with you. They’re there for you, they care, and that’s wonderful. You will make it work ❤️
I do not know exactly what situation you are in, but I am from a conservative country and my parents are homophobic. They kind of feel I am gay and even ask me “Are you gay” with a ‘sick’ look (high school~around college. 2-3 times), even though I look ‘straight’. I struggle a lot and it took me 10 years to figure out I might be gay and another 4 years to accept myself. But I haven’t come out to them. Plus I do not dare to hashtag LGBTQ too, since I am still not fully accept myself & I am afraid my parents will know if I post it.
I suggest you to first come out to your close friends, and some open-minded cousin/aunt, those who you trust. I do not suggest you come out to your parents if you are not completely financially independent with them. I am now financially independent, but I will come out to them when I completely accept who I am and after having a girlfriend.
Good Luck to both of us!