Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hi, I am an medical student from Bangladesh. I have been studying medicine in china since 2016. Last time I came from china in 2020 in winter vacation. But due to pandemic and closed border, I couldn’t go back to study that time. So the rest of the 1.5 years of my semester, I had to do online. So apparently from 2020, I was at home. I was totally depressed for not going back to china and to do my medical study online. My relatives used to ask me when I will go back to china. I had no answer for that. Because china was literally on zero covid policy and I don’t know what to reply my relatives about my going back there. This way I had to pass 2020 and 2021. In the middle of 2021, my online 5th year semester is finished. Then I thought at least in September, the border will open and I can at least go back for my internship. I waited till November,2021. But china didn’t open the border for international students. Then I gave up hope of china taking me back. Then I had to think about other option like doing internship in other countries. So I didn’t wait for china opening boarder anymore. So finally, I had decided to go for internship in india on January,2022. After coming to india, I thought I would learn so many things in internship. But unfortunately the hospital lost it’s licence and from then the hospital got closed. And there wasn’t a single patient to practice. But the hospital told us, they will provide us certificate at the end of the year on time. As the hospital is closed , I had to stay at home this whole year. I lied to my parents every day that I am doing my duty in hospital where I am sitting at my home doing nothing. Now it’s December. I passed 2022 without doing nothing in internship. On the other side, the students who have waited for china since 2020, they are now going back to china. And everything is pretty good there. They will start their internship in china from this December.But I am now in trap. Though this India journey will end soon on January,2023. I will take my internship certificate and go back to Bangladeshi and will take my graduation online.But I am feeling really depressed for taking the decision of coming to india instead of waiting for china. I am feeling like my luck is so bad that I don’t deserve to be happy. From 2020 to 2023 , not a single day I passed without anxiety. Each and everyday I wake up with a big burden on my heart thinking that if I can make it till end or not. Even I won’t get the convocation in my china university. The convocation will also held online. I am feeling like my life is full of failure. I don’t know how to stay positive with this traumatising last 3years. Please don’t judge me for the situation I have gone through. I know my story is not pretty good but I had to share with you. I don’t know how to shape my mind positively for my future. I have no confidence to be a good doctor. Every day I feel really disappoint about myself. My next goal is Bangladesh medical license exam and I am preparing for that. If I pass in this exam, I can at least prove myself to be a good doctor.