Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hi everyone or maybe noone
I came across this website on instagram just a minute ago and I wanted to share something that I don’t know if I can share with anyone or not.
So, I am 21 and I had one relationship till now. He is from my college and we just knew each other and started talking through chats. I don’t even know anything about how I felt then or what I am even feeling now. It was all good in the starting. He is a really good guy and takes care of a lot of stuff. But, even after I had everything I felt I do not have something that I am looking for.
It was all fine in the starting I felt I am in the seventh heaven but I felt it was all too stagnant for me. I felt I didn’t grow in the way I would have wanted to. Maybe that’s because I wasn’t so mature back then, but idk, something just doesn’t feel right in place about this whole thing to me.
I never realised this before but I felt there was something somewhere inside me that I was not acknowledging. There was something that told me that this relationship is becoming very one sided and I am on the other side. He is a good person and I didn’t want to hurt him in any way but even after trying I figured that the happiness that I was getting out of it was very much temporary. I felt lonely as if I do not have anyone who can really understand me without me having to spell everything out every single time, it is just so exhausting trying to translate everything inside my mind but same cycle just repeating every time. It was almost like we speak different languages.
I came across all this when I came back home and had some time alone. I felt very bad because at one end I have this guy who is very attached to me but is not mature enough to understand me,(he says he will but I am tired of the same cycle repeating, plus he asks me to help him get emotionally mature and he asks me a lot of things that I don’t think are possible for anyone from same age group, I really do not believe it is someone else’s responsibility or duty to make someone or change anyone, everyone has their journey and everyone is responsible for themselves. Asking this everytime just feels so selfish or maybe ignorant, idk) and on the other hand I have me. I have me who can understand myself and want to become the best version of myself. So I took a break then, told him everything in every possible detail about how I was feeling but as usual he didn’t understand anything. Rather, after some days as he was insisting alot, I felt bad and started talking with him once again in the hope that everything would be fine. But no. What happened was rather worse. It seems after some days he ghosted me out completely after an Instagram message that was very stupid and wasn’t even serious. Instead of telling me, he actually ghosted me out and didn’t message. Had I been in college or had I been the old me, I would have went after him even if I didn’t do anything wrong. But this time, I was done ignoring myself and I felt let’s take a step back and see what happens. Guess what, I never got any message. And mind you, this was a one and a half year relationship that was actually termed as forever and different.
What hurt me the most was that he didn’t speak my language(philosophically). I had to translate my soul, my thoughts in a language that he could understand and that too ended in him never understanding it.
He tried to talk after four months. (I actually tried to reach him out three times in between in the hope of atleast sorting things out as friends but he was willing to listen words from old me like some apology or maybe taking all the blame on myself but I didn’t do, that’s why he didn’t talk I think). After he reached out, we called and it was not nice because all I could here was him saying how much he is hurt and how much everything was happening as if I wasn’t even affected and I was the one who did all this with sole responsibility, but that’s not the point.
The point is after I gave him a chance again, I still didn’t like it. He told he will change himself and he asked me after every message to make him change. I mean how tf that works. I am looking for a partner and not a child. I cannot absorb the emotional responsibility of anyone and especially if the person expects me and only me to help this relationship run. This is not a mature relationship at all. This is just puppy love. And the kind of pressure he put on me with so many things like please a hundred times and 100 long paragraphs, I had to say yes, definitely not willingly tho. But I hoped, what if it actually works this time.
But no, it all started again, me starting to feel lonely and having to message him 24 7 like nothing happened. The point is, he still didn’t get it and I think he never will. So I had to cut it off because he was not giving me any happiness. I broke up over a small issue because that’s what he understands.
I don’t know how I feel because sometimes I feel bad because I should have done things differently from starting so that the ending won’t be so bad but I wasn’t so mature back then. But I feel happy sometimes too because I got me which I longed for through the years.
I still do not know if I am a terrible person with terrible relationships but that’s how my story is. I hope I find clarity someday and get things in order around and inside me.