I wanna share something.
I’m a closeted gay guy for 21 years, ever since I was born. I’m Asian and I live with my conservative and very traditional family. I’ve known who I am since I was around 7 years old. I noticed it when I realized I act differently compared to others. I find guys attractive. I got bullied because of who I am in school. It was not a pretty childhood for me, I had to embrace it. I had to wear a mask and hide who I am inside since then.
This effects me in my skills of conversation and society skills. Since I’m not able to express how I feel, I’m always left out. I don’t really know how to talk to people. I’m not able to show my talents in dancing and other stuffs because they are not manly. I’m being cut off from things that I really like to do.
As I grow older I thought to myself ‘Am I 100% gay? Is it just a phase?’. I came out to my parents last year. They’re not really supportive. They say it’s just how I’m feeling right now, that I’ll grow over it. My siblings suggested to date a girl.
So I tried online dating a few weeks ago and found a match. It was a girl and she was perfect. Our personality match, our favorite food, favorite movies, hobbies, and everything. She has beautiful body with a pretty face and sparking eyes. But I had no attraction towards her, whatsoever. I feel guilty dating her of course. It brakes my heart to hurt her. I had to tell her the truth before things get any further. We weren’t official bf and gf.
It made me sure I’m 100% homosexual. But I don’t know how to overcome this. As you may know, Asian parents expects great things form their child. I’m the 2nd oldest and the first son in the family. They use phrases like ‘As an oldest son, you should make this family proud! You should bring this whole family success! You have a responsibility as an oldest son! Bla Bla Bla!!!’ I can’t take it to be honest. All these stress put on me and I can’t even be myself. I’m tired of wearing a mask. I wanna live my life. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna abandon my family. They’re all I have. I don’t want to upset them either.
All I want is to hold someone in my arms like others do. Have romantic dates. Comforting me when there’re bad times. Right now I’m all by myself while my friends are having grate time with their significant others. I’ve been single for my whole life. I wanna know what love is. I wanna feel love. I wanna have a supportive family who understands me.
Right now, all I feel is pain and depression. My parents don’t really know how to read me because I can just act nothing is wrong (Been wearing the mask for so long, I don’t even know how to take it off). I feel jealous because when I see other people I can’t help but feel happy for them but at the same time, it really hurts me. All I can do is hope one day I can find someone and make my life a better place to live in.
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