Thought

Kavya @kavya

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved food - any type of food, I didn’t have favorites, all of em were favorites. For the past one month, I’d been wondering if I’ve been binge eating. Binge eating is a psychological disorder where, as the name suggests, you binge eat. This eating goes on even when you feel physically uncomfortable in your stomach because of all the food. I eat whenever I study, and that accounts for 10 hours a day. While my doubts were in its infancy, my knees started hurting mildly, so did my ankles, thighs and shin. I went to a doctor and got a full workup. The tests revealed that I had cholesterol, not chronically high, but at a level that I should be concerned about at this age. I’m 17 years old. I’m 5’3" and I weigh 77 kgs. The pain in my leg was also because of my weight.

To be honest, I’m scared. I’m really really scared. My self esteem was down the drain even before this revelation, and this has just brought me down further. I hate how I look, I genuinely dislike my genetics. Every time I’m naked in front of the mirror, I can just see this ugly, malformed piece of flesh that’s difficult for anyone to love. THIS, this isn’t helping it.

What I’m truly scared of isn’t binge eating. It’s becoming anorexic. Having known myself for the past 17 years, I know that I’m extremes. The fact that I’m already considering appetite suppressants just proves my point. I’m hoping that I’m get to stash them away so that no one will ever find it. Maybe then, I’ll be happy with myself.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @banisinghvasir
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5 replies
Profile picture for Now&Me member @banisinghvasir

Bani Singh @banisinghvasir

Dear Kavya,
I wish I had more expertise on the subject matter to give you better guidance but all I know is what you feel is very very valid. In fact, as I’ve gained a little bit of weight I find myself in a similar confusion where I don’t want to reduce what I’m eating but I don’t want to gain weight either. Except what you’re going through isn’t just that, so I’m probably in no position to even compare my issues with yours but that was just to let you know that a part of me understands how a part of you feels. And I don’t know if it is society’s standards of ideal body types that are to blame or my own sense of what is ideal or not that forces me to think a certain way about how my body should look/be. And I’m going to save you the whole nonsense about feel comfortable in your own skin, feel beautiful, size does not matter mumbo jumbo. Because at the end of the day when one doesn’t feel fit or in their best shape, it impacts the self confidence at some level. I just feel that If I could take out some time in a day to exercise rigorously, I know that I’ll feel better instantly. So maybe if you try to identify what it is that’s going to make you feel better about yourself and take out some time in the day to do just that. Having said that, under no circumstances does that mean that you undermine the power of the mind. Given that you’re studying 10 hours a day, is no joke. And there really aren’t a lot of people who can say that, forget doing that. I’m not saying shift your focus and your life will become better. But I think something as awesome as this needed to be pointed out. However, If you continually feel like this struggle is taking over your mind, you should definitely consider taking professional help because at that end of the day, our mental health matters the most. Hope I have been able to share a new perspective. Know that I am always there to hear you out.
Let me know how you’re doing ! Lots of love xx

Sebastian @sebastian

Kavya, first off let me congratulate you for your bravery in sharing your story. I have done a lot of research regarding mental disorders - I suffer from Bipolar II Disorder - and I made it my personal mission to reach out to the community and try to spread awareness as much as possible. Binge Eating Disorder is an actual diagnosis in the DSM V - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual For Mental Disorders. What you describe about how you see yourself is commonly referred to as body image distortion or body dysmorphia. I highly recommend that you seek out a licensed medical professional and seek out psychotherapy in order to get to the root of the issue that is causing your behavior. If you ever feel the need to reach out for help, by all means please feel free to do so. You are not alone in this; there are many of us out there willing to help. You are brave, you are strong, and you will get through this. It’s ok to be afraid - what’s not ok is to not do something healthy about it.

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Anonymous

I completely understand

Rashmi @rashmimalhotra

I can relate.

@straykidsstan

I relate to you. I also have BED and I hate my body when I look at it. It doesn’t help that I was anorexic before I developed BED so my body image is horrible. I’m so glad you are watching out to not develop anorexia as best you can. It is a horrible mental illness and cost me a lot of my health and happiness when I was younger. Thank you for sharing your story and I’m rooting for you girl.

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